Can You Be “Just Friends”?

I’m just saying… I love you.”

Whoah. Hold up. Rewind – fast forward – anything to get me out of this awkward moment. Did Joe really just say he loved me? How did we go from football-talk to romance-talk in 3.5 seconds? How did he seriously think I was interested?

He was, after all, three years older than I was. Yeah, we talked a lot. Yeah, we spent all our time together. Yeah, we gave occasional hugs and other public displays of affection. But they were older-brother types of P.D.A. You know, the You’re so cute I think I’ll pat you on the head type. Or so I thought.

I was stunned.

“BJ?” Joe asked, “Are you okay?”

“I’m only 17,” I said. “I have my whole life ahead of me.”

His eyes opened wide.

“I didn’t diagnose you with cancer,” he said. “I just told you I loved you.”

HOW DID WE GET HERE?

My conversation with Joe left me reeling. What was wrong with me? How did I not see this coming? And most importantly – how could I keep this from ever happening again?

I felt like the villain in a horror movie. I’d just murdered a perfectly good friendship, and there was a bloody mess of emotions on the floor. I was the first person this had ever happened to.Or so I thought– until I talked it over with my girlfriends.

They shared the same story again and again: Girl hangs out with guy. Girl treats guy like friend. Guy reads into it. Girl feels terrible.

My girlfriends and I knew we needed to figure this thing out. What better way than to hear it straight from the source? Our guy-friends Jamin Goeker and Derek Hanisch agreed to give us a peek into what Jamin calls “the hardest material on earth: a guy’s skull”.

HOW GUYS THINK

BJ: What happens in a guy’s mind when a girl spends excessive time with him?

Jamin: Generally we guys read into things too much and see a green light where none exists. It’s a sad fact, but a guy has a hard time keeping his relationships from shifting to the romantic side, and eventually he might talk to you about it.

Derek: We have this habit (in general) of falling for our good female friends.  If we spend a lot of time with you girls, hang out with you a lot, there is this good chance that feelings are going to blossom.

BJ: Yikes. So what does an uninterested girl do when a guy mentions blossoming feelings?

Jamin: If you’re not interested in him, be 100% honest.

BJ: Are you kidding me? And feel like the horror movie villain again?

Jamin: This is not the time to spare feelings. He should have known before he got into this deal that there was a chance of getting hurt. You’re saving him an enormous amount of pain by not leading him on and
then telling him the truth.

BJ: But how can you tell him without being cruel?

Jamin: You may have to give him the cold shoulder for a while. Sometimes it is the most humane thing to do and let me tell you why: Until it’s been firmly established in the guy’s mind that you’re just
friends, he might interpret things you do (going out for a movie, working on a school project together) as a way of saying you like him.

BJ: Is there a way to avoid him thinking I like him in the first place?

Derek: I would strongly encourage you not to spend very much alone time with one specific guy.  A lot of times that’s when the signals get crossed.  Hanging out with a group of friends is a good idea.

BJ: If it’s too late to avoid the miscommunication, can we ever get our friendship back?

Jamin: Let me say that some guys really won’t try to push the relationship. You might be able to be friends, depending on the guy and the contents of his character. But keeping the relationship in the right context is a hard fight for a guy, one he probably doesn’t want to win.

Derek: Even when the feelings aren’t mutual the friendship can continue, as long as communication takes place. Girls, if you don’t like a guy make sure he knows – otherwise he’ll felt led on and hurt more in the end.

So there you have it – straight from the skulls of two real, live guys. Something tells me I should have had this conversation with them before Joe used the “L” word on me. It probably would have saved us a lot of heartache one very awkward moment.

Girls everywhere: we can now step away from the fast-forward button.

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B.J. and her husband, Ethan, are the editors of www.realteenfaith.com, and the Bare Naked Truth project. You can e-mail them at real[teen]faith[at]gmail[dot]com.

This article is reprinted from Susie Magazine.