divorce

September 13, 2016 by Tricia Goyer 27 Comments

When You’re a Child of Divorce

I remember the first time I heard that a friend’s parents were divorcing. I must have been 7 at the time, and I didn’t understand. Was that possible? People were allowed to do that?

It didn’t seem right. More than that, it seemed wrong.

Growing up, I didn’t know my biological dad, and my mom married my stepdad when I was 4 so I remember little before him. They had a fine marriage, but there were always issues. Even as a kid I was aware of that. Money, church, friends, attitudes, other attractions, the chore of children … these things weighed on my parents. There were times I thought their marriage was over, but then they’d come back together again—until the time they didn’t.

I remember the moment my stepdad told me that he had filed divorce papers. My parent’s divorce wasn’t unexpected, but my heart ached all the same.

Being a child of #divorce hurts. Read about @TriciaGoyer’s experience:

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He’d been waiting to tell me because I was planning my own wedding. But the day he chose to tell me was my wedding day. Yes, my wedding day. He didn’t want me to be surprised, when I returned from my honeymoon, that he was living someplace else.

I can picture your dropped jaw . . . and I felt the same shock and disbelief as I drove away later that day with my new husband. I was 18 years old and newly married, but something still felt wrong about my parents getting a divorce. I felt like a hurt kid inside.

For a child, things never seem “right” again after your parents divorce. It was weird to see my mom without my dad there. It seemed weird to have to go to two Christmas gatherings, two Thanksgivings. It’s the most unnatural thing in the world.

Another thing you can’t shake as a child of divorce is the feeling that it’s partly your fault. I went through some very rocky years as a teenager, and I caused a lot of stress for my parents. During my junior year of high school, when my mom wondered if she should leave my stepdad and get her own apartment, I told her I thought she should. Even though my input had very little effect on their decision, I still feel guilt. It’ll always be there. There’s always a feeling that if I’d been a better kid it would have been easier for my parents to work it out.

The truth about being a child of divorce is that it hurts no matter how old you are. This is not how God created things. A commitment is a commitment, especially one made before God.

Being a child of divorce hurts no matter how old you are. @TriciaGoyer

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I’ve been thinking about this lately because if my generation has anything in common, it is our universal exposure to divorce—not only with our parents, but in our marriages. If you’re alive today, divorce has had a profound effect on you—financially, emotionally, morally, spiritually. Our lives are different because of what has happened in our country’s marriages.

And where does that leave us? As people who understand the pain and struggle, it’s our job to help strengthen marriages—those around us and our own. Sure, you might think your friend has a good excuse for divorce, but don’t encourage it. Encourage forgiveness, grace, and reconciliation. Pray. Pray hard.

Pray for the couples out there, and pray for their children. We’ve seen enough hurting kids grow into hurting adults.

And if you’re considering a divorce yourself . . . I beg you to reconsider. The grass is not greener. Happiness is not found in someone else. Love can be rekindled.

The best thing you can do for yourself and for your children is to give your marriage a second chance. Don’t think that walking away from your commitment will come without consequences. Don’t think you’re not going to break your children’s hearts.

If you don’t want to try again, take your hurt and pain to God. Tell Him that the love is gone and seek His help. Love can sprout where you think there is only dead, dry ground. God can do miracles, and He wants to start in your heart.

I promise.

God promises.

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. John 10:10

Steps You can Take

Strengthen the marriages around you.
Encourage forgiveness.
Pray for couples and their kids.
Reconsider your own divorce.

Daily Prayer

Dear Heavenly Father,

Thank you for families and for marriage. Being married is a calling, and it’s hard work. Help my spouse and me to work through our differences and to show each other love and forgiveness. May our marriage encourage those around us who might be considering divorce.

In Jesus’ name, amen.

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June 23, 2016 by Tricia Goyer 1 Comment

5 Ways to Help a Mom Who is Suddenly Single

I was a single mom when I first had my son at 17-years-old, and I mentor teenage mothers in a weekly support group, most of which are single. And every month my husband travels out of town for 7-10 days (sometimes more!), making me single for a time. Yet I am thankful I am married to an amazing man who is a wonderful companion and huge support. When he is away I realize how hard it is for single moms all the time, and I find myself wanting to reach out as much as I can.

Our family invites single moms to dinner, and we babysit. I’ve been knowing to go shopping in my pantry for food to send home, and I try to offer a listening ear. Still, I wondered if I was doing enough–or doing it right. My friend Jeanette found herself single after many years of marriage, and she wrote a wonderful book. I asked Jeanette to write a guest post for my blog to share five things each of us can do to help single moms. I love her advice! And if you know a single mom I highly recommend Jeanette’s book!)

When I wrote Suddenly Single Mom, I wanted to use all that God had done during a painful time to offer hope to other overwhelmed, hurting women. It was my way of saying, “See, I survived. You can do this!” The more I wrote, the more I recognized that I also had something to say to friends and family members of single moms.

If you know a mom who has suddenly found herself single, here are a few suggestions:

Know a suddenly single mom? @JHanscomeWriter shares 5 ways you can help:

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1. Offer to help.

It can be hard for a newly-single mom to reach out. Sometimes she’s too overwhelmed to know what she needs. Let her know you are available. Be specific. (“I’m going to the store today. Do you need anything?” “Call me if you need a babysitter this weekend.”) Only offer what you can really do. Help your friend create a network of support, including other single moms who are further down the road than she is.

2. Listen.

I treasure the friends who let me talk and be a wreck. Be willing to sit quietly and hear her, or just give her a hug. Let her feel what she feels even if it doesn’t make sense to you. Only give advice if she asks for it. Trust me; she’s getting it from all directions. Avoid platitudes like “Everything is going to be okay” (our system is way too broken to predict that). Leave the legal advice to her attorney. If you want to give her a Bible verse, wait until after you’ve earned the privilege by listening, and stick to those you’ve had to apply yourself.

3. Prove yourself trustworthy.

Many newly-single moms are reeling from shattered trust. Be that friend who shows her there are still trustworthy people in her life. Keep her confidences. No matter how much you know of her story, let her be the one to share details with others. Stand up for her and her kids when you hear gossip or judgmental comments. (My fallback is, “We don’t know what’s going on in someone else’s life/home/day.”) If you offer to do something, follow through. If an emergency forces you to cancel, help her come up with a Plan B that she feels comfortable with. Be nice to her children.

4. Watch your words.

It took a long time for me to figure out why it hurt when friends said, “I don’t know what you ever saw in him.” Here’s the thing: every once in a while I remembered what I saw in him. Those comments translated as, “You chose wrong.” Keep in mind that the man who made her a single mom is the man she once loved and the father of her kids—even if he was all wrong for her—even if he was all wrong for anybody. Depending on her situation, she still has to see him and is trying to figure out how to make their changed relationship work.

5. Encourage her.

Tell her what a good job she’s doing. Point it out when her kids excel and thrive. Let her know when she looks pretty. Tell her she’s a beautiful, amazing woman. Send her little pampering gifts (lotion, chocolate, a bracelet, a gift card). If you see God working in a particular area of her life, make her aware of it. Encourage her to serve so she feels like she’s giving back. Support her efforts to heal. Help her discover benefits in singleness so she is less likely to date too soon. Invite her to your get-togethers. Include her kids in play dates. Sit with her at church.

Show her through your kindness that, though becoming a single mom is painful and difficult, she is going to survive, and will always have support.

Order a copy of Suddenly Single today!

{Jeanette Hanscome}

Jeanette Hanscome is an author, writing teacher, speaker, and busy mom. Her work has been featured by Focus on the Family, Standard Publishing, Walk Thru the Bible, and Lifeway. She enjoys cooking, knitting, reading, studying the Bible, and spending time with her two incredible sons. Jeanette was born with a rare vision disorder called Achromatopsia, which means she has no color vision, is extremely light sensitive, and has visual acuity in the legally blind range. Jeanette lives in the San Francisco Bay Area.

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September 15, 2014 by Tricia Goyer 90 Comments

Messy Beautiful Love: Book Giveaway & Author Interview

Messy Beautiful Love: Interview & Book Giveaway

You may be familiar with one of my favorite bloggers, Darlene Schacht, also known as the TimeWarpWife. I’m happy to announce that Darlene’s book is releasing tomorrow!

To celebrate, I’m giving away 3 copies of her books and letting you know a little more about why I’m so excited about this book. She answered the following questions for us…

Yay! @TriciaGoyer is celebrating @timewarpwife’s book release with a giveaway!

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Your book is called, Messy Beautiful Love. Can you tell us why you chose that name?

We all have expectations when we’re stepping into marriage. And if you’re like most women, those expectations are high, but the reality is that life gets messy. Whether it’s financial problems, sickness, aging parents, or an unhappy spouse, sooner or later we’ll have a mess to clean up.

But when we surrender our relationship to God in obedience to His will, we experience the blessings of marriage as He intended. That’s a beautiful thing.

How is Messy Beautiful Love different from other books on marriage and relationships?

Because I’ve been through a lot in my own marriage, I understand the importance of grace and forgiveness. I offer hope to women where hope would be otherwise lost. Can a broken marriage be repaired? Can a stale relationship be revived? Messy Beautiful Love answers those questions with a resounding “Yes!”

What is the main piece of advice you would give women in today’s world, who want to approach their marriage differently?

Women in today’s world are exposed to temptation on a constant basis. The Internet is a way of life for most people.

Our ancestors never experienced anything remotely close to what we are living with today. The outside world—along with its opinions, temptations, and distractions—has made its way into our homes.

I can’t tell you the number of times that women have confided in me about the struggles they’re facing online. It can mess with your mind when a seemingly perfect man (and I do mean seemingly) is paying attention to you, or waiting to chat.

We need to be on guard more than ever before, protecting our thoughts, our children, our faith, and our marriages.

In Chapter 4, you say that marriage isn’t 50/50. Can you explain what you mean by that?

It’s a beautiful thing when two people love as they should love. When each person is putting into the marriage more than they’re hoping to gain. But we all have days, weeks–and for some it’s been years–when we feel that we’re not being loved as we should be. What then? The truth of the matter is that the return on our investment doesn’t always come from our husband, but it always comes from the Lord. We have that promise. When we put our hope in Him we have a guarantee that He rewards those who are faithful.

Love is a gift, not a swap of emotions. If we hand over a gift with one hand open while the other is closed, the gift is lost in exchange, therefore the best thing we can do for our marriage is offer each other 100%.

Our lives are so full of distractions… careers, children, reality TV! What are some ways couples can prioritize each other, and keep their love alive over the years?

We all have seasons, which require more from us than others. Raising a family, starting a business, planting a church, moving across country, or taking care of aging parents are just a few of the things that can distract us and pull us apart. The important thing is to communicate with each other during these times, and to assure each other that each season will pass.

Depending on just how busy you are, intimacy may slow down a bit. But keep in mind, slowing down and eliminating that part of your relationship are two different things. Never ignore the marriage bed, and don’t place it on the back shelf where you forget about it. Just like anything else that’s a priority in your life, you may need to examine your schedule to see what you can cut and what you must keep.

In chapter seven you say “Dig into God and if you’re feeling let down and discouraged, dig deeper yet.” I agree. Do you have any practical suggestions for personal Bible study?

The Internet offers us so many tools for Bible study that it easier than ever to dig deep. I remember the old days when I would lug a giant concordance to the table and spend hours flipping through it to find the Greek meaning behind the words. Today we literally have this information at our fingertips.

One of my favorite ways to study is to read through a book like Romans. I pull out all of the key words while I’m reading and I look them up in the Strong’s Concordance. I’ll also flip over to Matthew Henry’s commentary every once in a while to get his take on things.

I’m currently using Logos Bible software which makes all of this easy for me since it’s all in one program. I can read my Bible with these resources side by side.

For someone who is looking for something a little lighter, I’d suggest trying the SOAP method. I first learned about it through Good Morning Girls, although I’m not sure if my version is exactly the same. It calls for a little journaling as you record the following:

S – Scripture: Highlight the scripture that you want to meditate on.
O – Observation: Journal your thoughts. What are some personal observations?
A – Application: How can you apply this to your life? Are there changes you’d like to make? Is God prompting you to focus on something?
P – Prayer: Pray before you start reading and again at the end.

We’ve all heard the saying, “It takes two to make a marriage work.” What would you say to the woman (or in many cases the man) who feels like they are doing all of the work in the marriage?

Absolutely. And if you are praying for your marriage than you can be certain without a doubt that you aren’t the only one doing the work. God plus you equals two. You’re not in this alone.

I’m not saying that it’s a good place to be. Absolutely not. But the reality is that some marriages are that way. Some people keep giving and giving without getting anything from their spouse in return, which is why it’s so important that while we’re down on our knees praying, our hope is steadfast on the Lord.

All good things come through Him and by Him. He is the one who rewards our faith.

God doesn’t expect us to do all of the work. He just wants us to be there beside Him while He’s doing His.

Prayer

God, Thank you. I’m a cracked vessel held together by grace. I desire for my marriage to be encouraged. I don’t have it all figured out, and I doubt that I ever will, but I’m willing to learn to lean on the One who does. I’m willing to learn that when I follow His wisdom in lieu of my own, I’m walking in peace. Let that peace overflow into all areas of my life.

I’m giving away 3 copies of Darlene’s book to 3 lucky winners!

Enter to win below. Winners will be announced next Monday September 22nd. Only those in the U.S. are eligible to win.

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July 10, 2012 by Tricia Goyer 9 Comments

The Truth about Being a Child of Divorce | It Hurts

Image: FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I remember the first time I heard a friend’s parents were divorcing. I must have been seven at the time, and I didn’t understand. Was that possible? I mean people were allowed to do that? It didn’t seem right. More than that, it seemed wrong.

Growing up I didn’t know my biological dad, and my mom married my stepdad when I was four, so I remember little before him. They had a fine marriage, but there were always issues. Even as a kid I was aware of that. Money, church, friends, attitudes, other attractions, the chore of children—these things weighed on my parents. I thought their marriage was over at times, but then they’d come back together again—until the time they didn’t.

I remember the moment my stepdad told me that he’d filed divorce papers. My parent’s divorce wasn’t unexpected, but my heart ached all the same. He’d been waiting to tell me because I’d had a lot on my mind. You see, I’d been planning my own wedding. And the day he chose to tell me was my wedding day. Yes, my wedding day. He didn’t want me to be surprised that when I returned from my honeymoon, he’d be living someplace else.

I can picture your dropped jaw . . . and I felt the same shock and disbelief as I drove away with my new husband. I was eighteen years old and newly married, but something still felt wrong about my parents getting a divorce. I felt like a hurt kid inside.

Another truth is that after divorce, things never seem “right” again. Seeing my mom without my dad at home was weird. To have to go to two Christmases and two Thanksgivings was weird, as well. Affections are split, and it’s the most unnatural thing in the world.

Speaking of truths, no matter how old you are, the divorce still seems partly your fault. I had very rocky teen years and caused my parents stress. During my junior year of high school when my mom wondered if she should get her own apartment, I told her I thought she should. Even though my input had very little effect on their decision, the guilt is still there. It’ll always be there. I always feel that if I’d been a better kid, it would have been easier for my parents to work it out (even though as someone who’s been married for twenty-three years, I know that their decision was their decision).

Yes, during my growing up years, many parents divorced, but the statistics don’t matter. Having my parents make that choice hurt. I would hurt the same if I was the only one on the planet or if it was common (like it was). Just because a million other kids were feeling the same pain didn’t lessen it for me.

The truth about being a child of divorce is that it hurts no matter how old you are. This is not how God created things. A commitment is a commitment, especially one made before God.I’ve been thinking about this lately because if my generation has anything in common, it is our universal exposure to divorce—not only with our parents, but in our marriages. If you’re alive today, divorce has had a profound effect on you financially, emotionally, morally, and spiritually. Our lives are different because of what happened in our country’s marriages.

And where does that leave us? As people who understand the pain and struggle, our job is to help strengthen marriages—those around us and our own. Sure, you might think your friend has a good excuse for divorce, but don’t encourage it. Encourage forgiveness, grace, and reconciliation. Pray. Pray hard.

Pray for the couples out there, and pray for their children. We’ve seen enough hurting kids grow into hurting adults.

And if you’re considering a divorce yourself, I beg you to reconsider. The grass is not greener. Happiness is not found in someone else. Love can be rekindled.

If you don’t want to try again, take your hurt and pain to God. Tell Him that the love is gone and seek His help. Love can sprout where you think only dead, dry ground exists. God can do miracles, and He wants to start in your heart.

I promise.

God promises.
The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion, to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor. Instead of their shame my people will receive a double portion, and instead of disgrace they will rejoice in their inheritance; and so they will inherit a double portion in their land, and everlasting joy will be theirs. Isaiah 61:1-3,7 (NIV)

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. John 10:10 (NIV)

Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. Hebrews 11:1 (KJV)