marriage

June 30, 2009 by Tricia Goyer 23 Comments

I have to admit I was (am) a fan of Jon and Kate.

I have to admit I was (am) a fan of Jon and Kate. I didn’t start watching it until last year, but I love the idea of big families, I was interested in how you “do life” with eight kids … and (the #1 reason) those kids are just so darn cute.

I also have to admit that I’ve read numerous interviews with Jon and Kate and my heart is broken. I’m praying that they get back together and that their reconciliation will be a testimony to God. I think it’s something we should all pray for.

On top of that, I have to say I’m not surprised. When I watched that family interacting on TV I did two things. 1. Cringe and 2. See Gen X. They are Gen Xers and nearly everything they do displays that. Their life, and their divorce in progress, displays that.

Gen Xers want to do it all and be the best at it. Viewers were often awed by how Kate held her world together. (I was.) Gen Xers need this gold star. They bask in the kudos. We were the little kids that tried to show our busy parents how smart, and talented, and wonderful we were. We often didn’t get enough applause. The attention Jon and Kate got was a testimony to their Gen X-ness. Too bad they couldn’t be perfect in the spotlight and under the pressure. I don’t think anyone would be perfect under those circumstances. Watching the fall is hard. My heart hurts.

I was thinking all of these things over the last couple of weeks, and then this week’s cover story on People Magazine proved my notion was true. (See – I need my gold stars too!) What does it say? “Kate Tells People: It Feels Like I Failed.” Kate’s heart is aching because her family is broken, but more than that she didn’t get a gold star. Instead, she got a big, red check mark. Wrong. F. You flunked. FAILURE.

I talk about my own battles with my imperfections and my feelings of failure, in Blue Like Play Dough. For many years I tried to lead the perfect life. I cared for my husband and my kids. I homeschooled. I wrote parenting articles for goodness sake. My house was spotless. My smile was bright … and I did it not for the joy those things brought me, but in fear that my imperfections would be found out … that I’d miss the gold star. That someone would think I flunked out of the things that were the most important.

I wish I could go to coffee with Kate. The first thing I’d talk about is her need to respect Jon. (It’s something I learned too and wrote about … I’m not always right, but I often acted like I was. And when I forced my way without listening, I was showing disrespect–something he doesn’t deserve.) The second thing I’d talk about is this deeper issue. It’s the one involving Kate’s heart.

Kate you are beautiful because God made you beautiful.

You won’t reach perfection until heaven, no matter how hard you try.

Don’t see yourself as a failure. See yourself as someone in need of God’s shaping. We all need His shaping.

Place yourself in God’s hands, He has something beautiful in mind.

99.9% of other women face the same struggles, worries, pain you do. You’re not alone.
Love covers a multitude of sin.

Faith is believing in what’s unseen. Even if you see no way for this marriage to be saved God does. Turn to Him.

And finally, from one Gen Xer to another … I understand. I’m praying.

June 25, 2009 by Tricia Goyer 3 Comments

Do something AMAZING for your marriage!

Want to do something AMAZING for your marriage? Pray … together.

John and I started praying together about 4 years ago. We thought we were doing fine as a couple until my old boyfriend contacted me over the Internet. I really struggled with all the emotions over that past relationship, and I asked my husband to pray for me. He did. Aloud. Holding my hands. Is face next to mine. It was intimate, beautiful.

Right away I felt the power of those prayers. I felt peace and comfort. I felt empowered to do the right thing. More than that, I felt my husband’s love as I heard him lifting my needs before God.

Over the next couple of weeks John prayed for me every morning before he left for work. Soon, I joined in and started praying for him. It’s something we still do each morning.

As I hold John’s hands and rest my cheek on his shoulder, I pray for his safety as he drives for work, for his work day, for his interaction with this co-workers. I also pray that God will strengthen our marriage. He prays for my needs, too.

Our praying lasts 3-4 minutes, but it really sets us off in a good place for the day. It’s one of my day’s highlights!

Praying together is also a good way to communicate, not only to God … but with each other. After all, that one question, “What can I pray for you about” opens up all types of hidden worries, fears, and concerns. These are things we continue to talk about, and pray about, through the week. Together.

June 17, 2009 by Tricia Goyer 1 Comment

Quoted in Redbook

A great way to build your author/speaking platform is to be quoted in articles…like this short piece from Redbook.

Click the link below to read the rest of the article.

What You Can Learn from Your Parents’ Marriage(s)

“Take a team approach.” Before they divorced, my mom and stepdad rarely spent time together, and they didn’t have a united front. As a kid, I knew that every time my dad told me no, I could go to my mom for a yes. So in our marriage, John and I hang out a lot together. We even go to bed at the same time so we can spend more time with each other. We always decide on things together. —Tricia Goyer, 37

“Take one for the team.” Right now, my mom works outside the house and my dad stays home. Seeing how they reversed their jobs taught me to be okay with working around the house. Now, Tricia and I have flexible roles. We do whatever needs to be done — whether it’s professional work or housework — because no matter what the job is, we both benefit. —John Goyer, 41

Tricia and John have been married for 19 years. Tricia’s mom and stepdad divorced after 13 years of marriage; John’s parents have been married for 45 years.

Read the whole article here!

June 11, 2009 by Tricia Goyer 3 Comments

Having a Blockbuster Family: Action!

See below for part 1 and 2 of this discussion!

My life changed because of my thoughts. As my thoughts turned around my life turned around. As I fixed my thoughts on God and God’s Word my actions changed.

It is the same for you, too. The dialogue—the thoughts—you think and rethink in your mind will come out in your actions. What you think affects EVERY part of your life.

Consider your life? What does your current, internal dialogue include? Is your thinking based on God’s Word? Or is your thinking what you come up with on your own?

Just like me, your thoughts will control your beliefs. And you beliefs, in turn, will control your actions. Your thoughts will control your actions with your friends AND your family.

Just like a main character in a movie, you are the Star Performer in your life story. You can write the script.

Being the Star Performer of your world doesn’t mean you’re the center of the universe, but rather you understand that God—who IS the center of the universe—created you with a role to play.

Our lives in our families … and even with our friends … are radically changed when we replace our own internal dialogue with the truth of God’s Word. In your everyday life, the best way to check your internal dialogue is to see if it matches up with God’s truth.

Here are a few questions. Consider writing them down:

Where has your thinking got you lately?

What areas of your thinking need to be changed?

How will changing your thinking change your life?

Of course even if you change your thinking, there are others in your family that affect how your life is lived. A movie is not made up of one character. Or lives aren’t either.

Every television sitcom and movie has the main “stars.” They are the ones who get their photo on the DVD and have names that everyone recognizes. Yet these stars would be nowhere without a supporting cast.

In our own lives this cast is built one relationship at a time. And our closest supporting cast should start at home. And just we want these family members to support us in our lives, we need to be there for our family members. We need to have good input into their lives and their stories.

Here are a few ways to do that:

1. Be a good support. When it comes to families, the best way to have a good family is to be a good family member. Treat all family members with the same respect and appreciation that you’d like to receive.

Consider our words. Consider if we make people smile or take away their joy. Think about if we are helping the people in our family to be the best they can be. Also, help them follow their dreams.

2. Communicate. I would guess that most family problems are caused by lack of communication. If you sense something is wrong with a member of your family, ask. Also, if you have something you’re struggling with don’t be afraid to share. And … if a family member shares a part of their heart with you, treat their words with care—like a fragile piece of crystal. Like special crystal, trust takes a long time to create, and only one slip can shatter it into a thousand pieces.

Instead of letting things get to the point where they blow up and shatter, try to talk about your issues on a daily basis. Get them out in the open. Pray about these problems. Talk them through. And look for ways to come to a resoluation together. Then, once you come to a resolution . . . you will come back together better and stronger than before.

3. Expect change. Families don’t stay the same. As the years pass, family members grow and change emotionally and physically. Don’t take these changes personally. Instead continue to care for your family members. Some changes you may like. Others you may not.

In our lives, John didn’t marry and author and a speaker. But he has given me room to grow. As I sought God and dreamt of what good plans God had for me, John supported those things. Likewise, I have supported John as he has grown and changed.

In your family, again don’t take these changes personally. Just like a child grows stronger and taller, we should all grow into the people God created us to be.

Support positive changes. But also talk to your family members if the changes aren’t good for that person or the family as a whole. Check to see if the growth and changes line up with God’s Word, the Bible. If it does then encourage it—even if it’s different than you first thought.

4. Consider the members of your family as unique individuals. Some family members might enjoy one-on-one time with you. Other family members might appreciate small gifts—even something as simple as a candy bar—as a sign of your care for them.

Don’t assume that the communication style and ways of interaction that you use for one family will work for all others. People relate differently, yet we benefit from the unique color these people bring into our lives.

5. Remember there is only one perfect family member and that is Jesus. Family relationships are some of the hardest ones to deal with. Why? Well, the old saying is true, “You can pick your friends but you’re stuck with your family members.” People with all different personality types are related—personalities we’d never choose to interact with if they weren’t our flesh and blood.

Jesus understands you better than anyone. He will always be there for you. Not only does He know your heart best. He knows your family member’s hearts best too. Turn to Him when you have questions and doubts, not only concerning yourself but your family members, too.

6. Be Respectful. Parents appreciate respect, especially the men in our families. They live in a world where adults (for the most part) act in respectful ways. Sometimes it’s hard to be respectful if you don’t feel like anyone is listening to your point-of-view, but the more respect you give, the more you’ll get in return.

7. Give Encouragement. It’s tough being pare of a family. Take time to consider our family members. Think about all they deal with on a daily basis? Take time to encourage your family members when you see them tired or worn out. It may seem like something simple, but encouragement will go a long way.

8. Seek Forgiveness. If you’ve done something wrong, admit it. Hiding the truth only makes matters worse.

Another good thing about seeking forgiveness is that it’s humbling. Sometimes I’ll consider doing something I shouldn’t, and if I know I’ll most likely confess later, it keeps me from being disobedient in the first place. Humbling oneself and asking for forgiveness is a great hindrance for doing the wrong thing in the first place.

All the above works for husband and wifes, brothers, sisters and other family members, too. In fact, who wouldn’t like to be treated this way?

Take time to think about all your family relationships.

Which ones do you enjoy the most?

What do you like about them?

What can you do to make them even better?

Also, consider which ones need work.

How can you change in an effort to help the relationship?

What types of changes would you pray for in the other person?

In what ways would these changes honor God?

June 8, 2009 by Tricia Goyer Leave a Comment

Having a Blockbuster Family: My Script

This is the second post in a series. Read part one below.

Unfortunately, during my teen years, I didn’t have any idea it was possible to script my thoughts. Looking back I see that I thought, was what I believed. And what I believed was how I lived. I put myself first always. And I lived my emotions just millimeters from the surface. This didn’t make a pretty picture.

I’ve shared my story on this blog before, and as some of you know, my life is an example of what not to do.

I was raised in a Christian church, and I believed in God, but the message didn’t move from my head to my heart. When I became a teenager I didn’t think about how God wanted me to live. I concerned myself with how I wanted to live. I didn’t go to church often. I didn’t read my Bible. I was mostly concerned with doing my own thing.

At age seventeen I found myself pregnant. I dropped out of regular school and I attended special classes. My boyfriend broke up with me. My friends went on with their own lives. I was no fun any more and they moved on.

During these teen years, I had lived my life unscripted, going along with every emotion. When I found myself in a hard situation, and I also found myself in deep depression.

Yet it was during that time when people I discovered a group of people who cared for me. Women from my mom’s church reached out to me. They invited me to study the Bible with them. They invited me to church. When I was pregnant, they gave me things for my baby.

I saw the love of Jesus through them. They reminded me that God loved me no matter what I had done.

Then, when I was 6-months pregnant I knew I needed to live God’s way and not my way. One morning I prayed, “Dear Jesus, I have messed up my life big time. If you can do anything with my life, please do. I want to do things your way.”

After that I started scripting my thoughts. I did this by reading God’s Word and meeting with other Christians in church. I learned that I didn’t just need to let my thoughts run away, but I could plan for a good future. I could think through good responses. I could read God’s Word, the Bible, and then make good decisions.

I realized that God loved me more than anyone else. He had a good plan for my life. He created the world. He was wiser than anyone. And God had given me His thoughts in the Bible. I had only one job, to read those thoughts and to obey them. So I tried doing that.

My life changed because of my thoughts. As my thoughts turned around my life turned around. As I fixed my thoughts on God and God’s Word my actions changed.

Later this week, I’ll share a few actions you can take to manage your own script.

June 4, 2009 by Tricia Goyer Leave a Comment

Having a Blockbuster Family

Sometimes our families resemble a movie. There is a little romance. A little drama. A little humor. And a little (or a lot) of conflict. Of course every movie needs conflict. That’s what keeps us interested. We enjoy seeing the characters of the movie get into and out of trouble.

Of course, in reality not every situation had a happy ending in 30 minutes or less. Real life is different, but it’s also better.

Dialogue
Every day there are words coming out of our mouths. They can either build people up. Or they can tear them down. In the United States we having a saying, “Sticks and stones will break my bones, but names will never hurt me.” This is a false saying. Every word that comes out of our mouths will either hurt or help. It will either bring family members closer or push them apart. This is something we need to consider when we are speaking—to our children, to our spouse, to other family members.

But this is not the only dialogue happening in our families. Whether we know it or not, there is another continual dialogue going through our minds. It’s our internal dialogue. The dialogue occurs in two ways. “Thorough and organized” dialogue or dialogue that “bounces around like a little rubber ball in your mind.”

Let’s consider the “through and organized” thinking. I like to think of this as similar to a movie script.

A script is something the writer uses to put the movie on paper. It provides direction for the producer, the actors, and even the set directions.

The script isn’t the movie. The script is direction for the action. The script guides everything. Without the script there is no order and the action has no meaning.

Can you imagine a movie without a script? It would jump around. Nothing would make sense. And sometimes, because we don’t organize our thoughts in our mind, (like a script) our actions are the same. Our actions, our lives, seem to be without meaning and order.

Can you, as a member of your family, say you have a plan and purpose for your life? Or, as a member of a family, do you find your thoughts just running around in your mind, with no plan or purpose? I’m not talking about organizing daily activities. We all somehow manage to organize our days. I’m taking about BIGGER thinking, such as:
Where do I want to be in the future?
Where would I like to see my family in the future?
What would I like my marriage to look at five years from now?
What kind of adults do I want my children to be?

Yet, too often, instead of thinking and planning we let our minds get carried away with concerns. We think about things that happened ten years ago. Or maybe we consider worries we have about tomorrow.

We also find our thoughts are full of emotions. Happy thoughts, sad thoughts, excited thoughts, or scared thoughts. Our thoughts are focus on whatever is going on that moment. One day things are good. The next day things are not so good. Our actions then follow our emotions, which we know can lead to all types of trouble.

Instead of just allowing our thoughts and what is happening around us be in control, as a family member we need to start organizing our thoughts. This, in turn, will lead to good plans for our lives.

Developing a Script for our thoughts is coming up with a solid plan. We make plans in our mind of where we’d like to go, and then work to make sure our actions follow.

A script for your life is something YOU create after thinking through situations. You consider possible paths and choose one that will lead you in the direction you want to go.

Of course, while it is good to think and to plan, it is not our job to do it alone. Just as one character in a movie without a script affects every other part of the movie, if we do not have a script (a plan) for our lives it will affect every part of our family.

Yet if we do have a good script and a good plan it can benefit our family. What we do will ALWAYS affect the people around us.

Join me next week as I share my own script and some “actions” I took in my script.

May 13, 2009 by Tricia Goyer 2 Comments

Expectations are a strange thing.

I used to expect certain things out of life. I imagined the small house with the white picket fence like everyone does. I expected that when I tried to please someone they’d be pleased. I thought kindness would be returned. I thought my hard work would always result in adequate rewards. Then I woke up. Like Sleeping Beauty awakened by a kiss, I was a princess, a daughter of the king, but there was still a big, world filled with wanna-be spell-casters and dragons who wanted to insure I didn’t live happily-ever-after with my prince.

Expectations are a strange thing. We have an inner desire for perfection. We long for heaven from the very beginning—no sorrows, no tears, no pain, no death, every long fulfilled, every need satisfied, every moment magical.
Expectations are even stranger because they have a way of hanging out and hovering in the corners without us even thinking about them. If we were to put into words what we hope for/expect we would laugh-out-loud, but expectations are felt more than thought or verbalized, and that’s the problems.

I had (still have) huge expectations about three specific areas of my life: my marriage, my parenting, my service for God.

When I married there were many things I expected that I totally laugh about now. For example, when I was dating John he was always very neat. His apartment was clean. His items were tidy. He did his own laundry and cooked for himself. I don’t know why I got the idea, but I full expected that he’d continue on with these things—yes, the cleaning and laundry and cooking. I thought they were part of him and it would be awesome. Instead they were done out of necessity and once he was married … well, there was no need.

I also had huge expectations about my kids. I thought I would mold them and they would submit to my leading. I was fully disappointed when my adorable, chubby cheeked, curly haired daughter had a strong will. She wanted her way, not mine, and made that clear every moment of the day.

What was that about?

Then there was my service to God. I’d work for God and He would be pleased. I’d write a book and it would sell tons. I’d give a speech and every heart would be changed. I’d provide words of insight … and I’d always be thanked for my input.

Even today I battle expectations. And I’m learning that it helps to name them, to weigh them, and to decide if they are worth even a corner of my mind and heart. For example, lately I’ve been dealing with extending family—siblings, cousins, aunts. Many of them are still seeking/searching even though I’ve felt they’ve had the answer laid out to them many times. I was hard on myself, telling myself I need to do better—to reach out more, to speak more truth, to love and care and give. Surely then things would change. I expected (though I never verbalized it) that there was one thing I could say that would make all the difference. If I just came up with it, I could speak truth into their lies and the would see the error of their ways and commit fully to Christ in every aspect of their lives.

In the end, I realized (with the help of a friend) that they knew the truth. My preaching would get them no where. In fact, if I was trying to do the work of the Spirit. I was attempting to take their hands and lead them to the throne, when I’ve never been given that job. Instead of clinging to my expectations, clinging to the trust in myself to show them the right way, I needed to unclench those fingers and turn them palm upward. I need to surrender my family—those I loved—to Christ, praying for His work to be accomplished in His timing. Knowing that when, if, what I was supposed to speak would be made clear to me by the inspiration of the Spirit in my own live.

May 12, 2009 by Tricia Goyer 2 Comments

Motherhood is a valid profession.

It is that belief that inspired Jill Savage and a group of women to plan the first Hearts at Home conference 16 years ago. Today these conferences are a place where moms can go to find the encouragement and education they need to do this mothering thing right!

The problem is, not everyone can attend a Hearts at Home conference, so Hearts at Home University was created!

Hearts at Home University is a new resource designed to encourage and equip you in your journey as a parent! These live web casts, affordably priced at $15 each, allow you to tap into continuing education as a mom on a regular basis right from the comfort of your own computer.

The topics that will be covered over the Spring and Summer Semester include:

“Is There Really Sex after Kids” with Jill Savage
“She’s Gonna Blow” with Julie Barnhill
“Redefining Romance” with Mark and Jill Savage
“Keeping Your Ducks in a Relative Row” with Karen Ehman

For information on dates and times, or to register go here.

May 24, 2007 by Tricia Goyer 3 Comments

Kayleigh, Mops Mentor in Montana

In the latest newsletter from MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) my mentoree and friend, Kayleigh tells her story. It’s AWESOME!

One mom’s life-changing experience with MOPS:

I was 15 years old and I had just given birth to my first daughter. My aunt saw a Teen MOPS poster in the hallway of the hospital. Two days later, I attended my first Teen MOPS group meeting, where I attended every week for the next four years.

In 2004, my second daughter arrived. After her birth, my mentor mom asked why Nathan and I were not married. I told her that we could not afford a wedding. Soon after that conversation, my MOPS group planned us the perfect “Cinderella wedding.” They paid for everything, the cake, reception, flowers, garden wedding – everything.

The following Sunday Nathan and I attended church together for the first time. We knew there was emptiness in our hearts that only God could fill. We prayed the sinner’s prayer the first Sunday we attended church. Today I’m in a special season raising our now three children. I’m a Mentor mom in a new Teen MOPS group. I want to help other moms change and refocus their lives – just like mine.

Kayleigh, MOPS Mentor in Montana

I am so amazed by the work that God has done in, not only the lives of Kayliegh and her husband, Nathan, but in my life as well. Click here to learn more about Kayleigh.

Also, prayerfully consider how you can either get involved in MOPS group in your area, or giving to support it’s work !

April 16, 2007 by Tricia Goyer 5 Comments

Hi from San Antonio

It’s like 100 degrees here–okay, not really, but it seemed like it!

Over the weekend I signed like 300+ free books for librarians. It was awesome! I love librarians!

If you’re wondering why I took the trip from San Antonio, it’s because of TLA. The Texas Librarians Association. I came down and hung out with my awesome friends from Moody Publishing. They hooked me up with two book signings, and I’ve never seen so many fun people excited about my novels!

My husband, John, came with me and he videotaped part of the signing. He also talked to people in the aisles about the novels. He was so great. The librarians loved him, too. How could they not?

Saturday night I also hung out with my husband, an awesome salesman from Moody, and one of my too-awesome marketing people. We ate dinner in a Mexican restraunt that was so loud we had to shout to talk. Then we walked along the Riverwalk and got caught in a rain/hail storm. By the time we got back to our motels we were totally soaked.

When it rains it pours! And I’m meaning the whole, wonderful day.