Last Thursday I spoke with Vicki Tiede on my radio show, Living Inspired. If you didn’t hear it, you can listen to or download the podcast by clicking here! Vicki Tiede is an inspiring Bible teacher, conference speaker, and author. Her passion is to open the Scriptures with women in order to share God’s grace and enduring faithfulness. Vicki transparently relates life experiences that resonate and draw others into a lifelong pursuit of knowing God. Her candor and humor are a delight to her audiences, who feel like they’ve met a new friend moments after she begins to share a glimpse into her life. Vicki consistently points her audiences back to God’s Word and presents fresh insights into the Scriptures. Living in Rochester, Minnesota, Vicki is a wife, homeschooling mom, and the coordinator of women’s ministries in her local church. She holds master’s degrees in Ministry and in Education. Connect with Vicki at http://vickitiede.com. She wrote the book, When Your Husband is Addicted to Pornography.
What led you to write a book about when a husband is addicted to pornography?
I speak to many women every year and as I share my own story about this issue, I often am given the opportunity to visit with women who share their stories with me. A couple of years ago I was having lunch with a few of these women and after talking about a Bible study I had just finished writing, one woman said, “You should write a Bible study for women whose husbands are addicted to pornography.” During the course of our conversation it became apparent that we all knew of great resources that would educate wives about the nature of a husband’s addiction, and in some of those resources, they named common reactions and feelings that a woman might expect to experience, but none of us were aware of a resource that helped a wife heal from this betrayal. I knew that in my own experience, I found my hope and healing in my relationship with Jesus and I wanted to help other brokenhearted women learn the intricate steps to finding hope and spiritual healing even if she’s still in the midst of her husband’s addiction to pornography.
What is your personal experience with the message of the book: bringing hope to a woman whose husband has an addiction to pornography?
When I was in my early 20s, I was married to a man captured by the devastating snare of Internet pornography. I didn’t know that going into the marriage, but it didn’t take long to figure out that something wasn’t right. Many times, at 2 a.m., I would be curled up in our bed alone, hurt, betrayed, and angry about the choices he was making in the other room. He did not take responsibility for his actions or recognize a need to repent of his behavior, the behavior escalated, which resulted in consequences to our marriage. Eventually, my emotional, physical, and spiritual health was at risk, and I was advised by a Christian counselor and my pastor to end the marriage, and I did.
In the end you are only responsible for yourself and the choices you make. Sometimes you have to make the best decision you know how to make, given the information you have at the time. That’s what I did.
What is the scope of this problem? How many women are struggling with the effects of a husband’s addiction to pornography?
For nearly every man who regularly views pornography, there is likely a wife or girlfriend experiencing the fallout resulting from his choices. According to TopTenReviews.com, 28.8 million U.S. men regularly visit pornography websites. And 50-60% of Christian men struggle with addiction. Right now, pornography is among the leading causes of divorce in our country.
From a wife’s perspective, is there a difference between an addict and a more casual user?
The term “addiction” implies that there is a progression, tolerance, and an inability to stop the behavior even when there is a desire to stop. A single act of viewing pornography would not be an addiction. However, a “casual user,” indicates more than a single act and I would suggest that a “casual user” is already on the slippery slope of addiction. Pornography has a snowball effect; what may begin as seemingly “innocent,” occasional visits to a porn site often slowly increases to greater frequency of visits and for larger amounts of time.
Sadly, this increased exposure to porn results in desensitization and tolerance, so when free Internet pornography no longer satisfies their supposed needs, some men expand their repertoire to include subscription pornography, massage parlors, strip clubs, prostitutes, hotel rooms, and travel expenses for clandestine affairs. So is there a difference between a one-time exploration and an addiction? Yes. Is there a difference between an addict and a more casual user? No, there is not enough difference to suggest that we can dismiss casual use as harmless.
To be honest, in my book I tell women that they should thank God if their husband is struggling with his addiction to pornography. That struggle is an indication that the Holy Spirit is at work. It’s when a husband feels no conviction for his sexual sin that hope seems harder to hold onto.
What would you say to a woman who has recently discovered that her husband is battling (or perhaps given over to) pornography?
When the truth is unveiled about a husband’s addiction to lust, self-gratification, and pornography a wife needs to take time to grieve her losses, of which there are many. Topping the list of losses is trust. She trusted her husband enough to share everything with him—her heart, mind, and body— and that’s been betrayed.
Many women also lose financial security and health. When most people grieve losses (i.e. in the case of a death), they are able to share their pain with friends and family who are aware of their suffering. Grief resulting from betrayal is unfortunately usually very private, covered in secrecy and shame. I want women to know that they aren’t alone. I equip them to choose safe, healthy support networks.
It’s also very normal for the wife of a porn addict to feel suffocated by feelings of fear, need for control, guilt, anger, and dependence on her husband for her happiness and sense of self-worth. In my book, I walk women through the process of surrendering those feelings and replacing them with healthy alternatives grounded in Scripture.
Finally, it stands to reason that when a man chooses to burn the midnight oil looking at computer-enhanced images and engaging in self-gratification rather than enjoying real intimacy with his wife, there are going to be significant repercussions in the marriage bed. Consequently, often much healing is necessary in the area of sexual intimacy.
Is there hope for a marriage when the husband has an ongoing struggle with pornography?
Absolutely. There is always hope because our God is a God of restoration and healing. Obviously, the path toward healing is greater when both husband and the wife are taking care of their side of things. When a husband recognizes that he has a problem, and he knows it’s affecting his marriage, the statistics are on the side of a restored marriage if he chooses to disclose his struggle to his wife rather than wait for her to discover it. If he sees the need to repent, he takes responsibility, and takes action to demonstrate his desire to change, then healing is more likely than when he won’t acknowledge that he’s doing anything wrong, blames others (in particular his wife), and doesn’t seek help. He has to do more than give lip service to his intentions. He must take action. That looks like changing computer behavior, perhaps coming up with a plan for business trips, getting an accountability partner, joining a support group, or getting counseling.
Sadly, some issues may make a marriage irreconcilable, but the purpose of my book is not to point women in that direction. Rather, it is to point them to the One who can bring about restoration and reconciliation.
Will your book help women to help their husbands with this addiction?
I want to be clear about the fact that my book When Your Husband Is Addicted to Pornography is not meant to give a woman a list of tools and skills to fix her husband. This book is for and about her, not her husband. There are several outstanding books that offer general information about what a pornography addiction is all about, however, my book is about healing her broken heart, it’s not a “How to cure your husband’s pornography addiction” manual. God is the only one who can and will heal her husband if her husband is willing to commit to the hard work. When a woman is leaning on God and working to be spiritually and emotionally healthy, then she’s in a better position to support her husband.
What should a wife’s role be in helping her husband overcome an addiction to pornography? Can a wife help to change her husband’s behavior?
There are some things she can do to promote a healthy environment for healing. I address these at the end of my book. She can . . .
- Work toward forgiveness. (This is a process, not an event!)
- Fix her eyes on God and credit Him for the work He’s doing in her heart, her husband’s heart, and in their marriage.
- Talk to her husband about true intimacy.
- Address the issue of the pornography addiction. Talk about it!
- Be extremely sensitive to sexually charged media or resources in their home.
- Remember that God appointed the Holy Spirit the task of conviction. She is only responsible for her obedience to the Word of God. She is not responsible for his daily choices.
In addition to reading When Your Husband Is Addicted to Pornography and working through the questions in the book, I strongly encourage women to seek professional counseling with a qualified therapist, pastor, or counselor-led support group. To be honest, many pastors feel ill-equipped to counsel a woman in this situation. I want this book to provide a tool for therapists and pastors to offer wives that will equip them to be healthy partners, which in turn promotes restored marriages.
What are some of the wrong ways that a woman can respond that will cause her husband to draw away from her even more than he already has?
A healthy environment for healing does not include …
- Acting like the “porn police.”
- Withholding forgiveness because it feels like a “get out of jail free” card.
- Withholding intimacy, especially when healthy intimacy has been reestablished.
- Being vengeful.
- Ignoring her own issues of sin or brokenness.
- Being unwilling to separate his addiction from who he is aside from the deviant behavior. He is not all “bad,” just as she is not all “good.”
What is the most important thing a wife should know about God, herself, and her husband when he is struggling with pornography?
First, despite anything her husband or others might have told her to the contrary, there is absolutely nothing she has done or not done that has caused her husband to choose pornography. Period.
Second, she can’t base her hope on her husband. Throughout the course of the book, she’ll hear me say that her hope and happiness must not be dependent on the choices her husband makes.
Third, God longs to meet her in the center of her pain. He knows her anger. There isn’t a feeling she’s experienced that He hasn’t experienced Himself. He hears her cries for mercy and He will come to her relief. However deep her pit of despair is, His hand can reach her.
Finally, even while she is in the midst of her husband’s addiction to pornography, God is able to collect her broken and fragmented heart and create a work of splendor in His masterful hands. It’s true.
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