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Looking for My Not-Prince Charming | Why Starry-Eyed Little Girls Grow Up to be Disappointed Young Women

Guest-blogging for me today is my former assistant Caitlin. Caitlin was my intern throughout the summer many years ago. You will be blessed as she talks about looking for my not-Prince Charming. Stay tuned at the end of her post for an update.
 
Guest-blogging for me today is my former assistant Caitlin. Caitlin was my intern throughout the summer many years ago. You will be blessed as she talks about looking for my not-Prince Charming. Stay tuned at the end of her post for an update.
 

In sixth-grade summer camp, the key to looking “cool” was to wear a graphic T-shirt—the kind with a word or phrase on the shirt. You had two choices: a name-brand (but boring) label plastered on the front, or a witty phrase that inspired the masses of your middle school peers.
 

So imagine my surprise when I found some witty Christian phrases at my camp store. I quickly bought that pink t-shirt went back to my camper, and changed into the shirt. I waltzed around camp in my “Someday My Prince Will Come” shirt.

 

The Bible verse printed in tiny font under the larger phrase referred to Jesus, the Prince of Peace, coming back one day; at first glance, though, “my prince” referred to a future husband—and I wanted the shirt to be meant that way. I proudly walked around camp, letting my shirt tell those sixth-grade boys that I was waiting for my perfect prince to sweep me off my feet. I was feeling pretty cool.

 

A few days later, my friends (whom I had also convinced to buy the T-shirts) and I were stopped by a lady from our church. “Those are cute shirts, girls,” she said, “but no prince is waiting for you—only a man. And let me tell you, a man isn’t perfect, and most of the time, he probably won’t act like a prince.” Did she mean Prince Charming was out of the question? That was news to me!

 

Then and now

 

Fast forward more than ten years, and those words continue to stick with me. When I was in college I heard many girls in the dorm dream of their perfect future husbands. “He’ll open the doors for me and pull out my chair at the dinner table. He’ll hide love notes in my bag. If we do fight, he’ll be gentle and understanding, and he won’t raise his voice. He’ll be the best husband and a supportive father to our children. He’ll give me everything I need and want.”

 

Sometimes I couldn’t stop myself from repeating the same words that were said to me in sixth grade. “You should want to be treated well,” I said, “but your future husband is a man. He’s human. He’s sinful. He might act in the most loving way sometimes, but there will be times he will fail, just like you are prone to fail at times.”

 

Unrealistic cultural expectations

 

Unfortunately, our culture has given women unrealistic expectations about romance and men. From the time we are little and watch the classic Disney princess movies to the years we are in college and see the newest romantic comedy, we are conditioned to believe that the perfect man is out there waiting to sweep us off our feet, that marriage will fix everything. In fact, too often what makes life “perfect” according to culture is simply having a relationship, whether that ends in marriage or just living together.

 

Hollywood didn’t create this problem. Think back through the thousands of books that have this underlying concept of marriage being the fix-all (even Homer wasn’t immune to it). Disney feeds it to us through animated movies and television shows. In fact, most movies drive this concept home, even if they have been dubbed “guy flicks.” Have you noticed that movies always end right after the “Just Married” car drives off into the sunset? Does life suddenly become perfect for the couple?

 
Make realistic expectations

 

Unfortunately, no. From what I’ve been told, life becomes harder after you’re married . . . but the rewards far outweigh the struggles, and marriage will give us a more complete picture of Christ’s love for the church. I think that while we wait for that special day we say, “I do,” we (whether we’re single or engaged) need to purge ourselves of this idea that marriage is the fix-all.

 

Proverbs 4:23 says, “Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life.” We need to guard our hearts against unrealistic expectations—even if they are seemingly good expectations. To open your heart to fantasies about the perfect life with your Prince Charming is folly and might distract you from growing in your relationship both with your husband and with God; it might even take your focus off of God’s will for your life. All too often, God has different plans than ours but be assured that they are always better plans.

 

Be mindful of the television shows and movies you watch (or let your daughters or granddaughters watch). I’m not saying never to see a romantic comedy again—I’m the first to run to the theater to see the latest one. However, don’t watch the movie and simply say afterward, “That was cute.”

 

Instead, take the opportunity to talk to your friends, your daughter, or your granddaughters about the concepts in the movie. Were they realistic? This could spark discussion about desires in you and your friends’ (or daughters’) future husbands. What characteristics did you like in the male lead? What didn’t you like? You might want to hold one another accountable in the years leading up to marriage to combat any unrealistic expectations. Ecclesiastes 4:12b says, “A threefold cord is not quickly broken.

 

Another way to make realistic expectations is to ask other women about their marriages. Ask about any faults these women and their husbands may have, and ask how marriage differed from their expectations. Make note of what they say and write down a few of your own expectations as a way of keeping yourself accountable and guarding your heart with vigilance.

 

Looking for my not-Prince Charming

 

As for me, I’m still looking for my not-Prince Charming. Had that woman from my church not told me the perfect prince doesn’t exist, I might have found my spouse and been shell-shocked when my marriage didn’t live up to my mind’s expectations. That doesn’t mean, though, that I’m not excited about marriage.

 

Instead, I’m armed with my own list of realistic expectations. In fact, I’m looking forward to marriage and to growing closer to my future not-Prince Charming and to God. I also know there are times I’ll be disappointed in my future husband and in myself. We’re both sinful, but as long as we extend the same grace God has given us, our marriage will remain strong and rooted in Him.

 

Now I’m off to see that new romantic comedy!

 

UPDATE 2021:

 

Caitin has found her not-Prince Charming and she and her husband are happily married since 2017 and live in Missouri together. Her website is www.thecaitdossier.com

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Well said, and an important message to get out there. I’m still married after 32 years to the man I married when we were 18, but we went through some tough times, in part because of my unrealistic expectations for marriage. The popular culture likes to push the idea that if you find the right person, you’ll float away on a cloud of happy-ever-after and never feel lonely again . . . it’s not only not true, but it trivializes the real value and meaning of marriage.

    Thank you for sharing this.

    Laura

    Reply

  3. Amen! I’ve said the same thing many times. I’ve seen woman after woman of my generation struggle to make a relationship work because she’s got unrealistic expectations. And sadly, it’s not just something the world is feeding her. Too many churches encourage that “one day the love of my life will ride into my life” mentality. It breaks my heart to see my generation falling for a fluffy, romanticized version of life.

    Reply

  4. Halee, I’m so glad that you recognize the same thing. Life is so much more than romance; it’s about the ins and outs of daily life (and usually those ins and outs are anything but glamorous and romantic).

    -Caitlin

    Reply

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