guest post by Deb Kalmbach (if you missed Deb’s interview on Living Inspired last week – check it out here. Some good stuff there!)
Deb is also giving away a copy of her book, Because I Said Forever! Leave a comment on this post for your chance to win.
I recently received an email from a friend with the subject line: Our society has stooped to an all-time low. A link to a commercial shows a middle-aged couple in bed. The husband tosses and turns while the homely woman next to him snores. The tag-line states something like this: There’s only one thing worse than waking up in the morning and not knowing the woman next to you. And that’s waking up with the same woman every day for the rest of your life. Then there’s a link to a website.
Being curious, I checked it out. It looks like a legitimate site, basically promoting extramarital affairs. The site actually says: Life is short. Have an affair.
Yep, that’s great advice. You could ask Tiger Woods or Elin Nordegren or Mark Sanford or Elizabeth Edwards, for that matter.
I was 24 years-old when husband Randy’s announcement shattered my world. He had met someone when he was away on temporary duty with the Air Force.
“Deb, I didn’t mean for this to happen. I think I’m in love with her.”
I felt like I’d been punched in the stomach, the wind knocked out of me. In a blink, the trust we had enjoyed during our first 6 years of marriage had been severed. I quickly learned that heartbreak is real.
I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t eat. I cried for days, if not weeks and months. I’m not sure how I managed to put one foot in front of the other and keep going for my own sake, as well as our little boys, ages five and two.
Randy said he wanted to work things out. He was confused and distraught. We started counseling and embarked on the arduous journey toward healing–one that’s difficult to describe in a short blog. It all seems so tidy. We persevered. We made it through, even though it was tough. Yes, there is life and reconciliation possible after adultery. But at what price?
I can only say the consequences of infidelity are huge, devastating, life-altering. By the grace of God, I found the strength to go on, believing all things are possible with God, even impossible forgiveness. As strange as it may sound, I believe the scars Randy bore were more damaging than my own.
He couldn’t accept what he had done, and turned to alcohol to medicate his pain and guilt. After many long years, he finally believed he could be forgiven.
So I say, Life is short. Love the one you’re with, the husband, the wife of your youth. I can’t think of anything sweeter than waking up each day with the man I love sleeping next to me–even if we both snore!
Deb is the author of Because I Said Forever: Embracing Hope in a Not-So-Perfect Marriage (co-authored with Heather Kopp) and the author of a book for children, Corey’s Dad Drinks Too Much. She has been a contributor to many books, including The New Women’s Devotional Bible and Pearl Girls: Encountering Grit, Experiencing Grace. She has written for Focus on the Family, Christian Parenting Today, and many other publications.
Deb married Randy Kalmbach at 19. They thought all they needed was love—and the possessions they could fit in their metallic blue VW bug! What they didn’t realize was how much it would take to live with adversity, disappointment and heartache. They never imagined their journey taking them into the depths of addiction with Randy battling alcoholism for almost 30 years before he experienced the miracle of sobriety.
Deb isn’t just theorizing when she gives hope and practical solutions to those who struggle with difficult relationships. Her own brokenness has given her great compassion and insight for others who are hurting. With her vibrant and engaging manner, she speaks profoundly about God’s faithfulness and how to embrace a God-honoring life in the midst of almost unbearable circumstances. Deb and Randy are grateful beyond words for their 39 years of “not-so-perfect” marriage.
They make their home in rural Washington State with their two lively Jack Russell Terriers, Kramer and Kosmo (yep – they even have their own blog!). Their grown sons, Chris and Jeremy, and a daughter-in-law, Jen, live on the Seattle side of the North Cascades Mountains. Find out more on her website: www.debkalmbach.com
I would LOVE to win a copy of this book! Thanks for the chance!
nancyecdavis AT bellsouth DOT net
Wow, I can relate to the post. Been there, experienced that.
I would love a copy of the book.
This is an amazing book, I can already tell.
I have seen so many couples in our church get divorced lately and it breaks my heart. And it reminds me that no marriage is immune to trials and heartache. Sounds like a wonderful book.
I really need a copy of this book. On Aug 11th my husband dropped the bomb that he didn’t love me anymore and was moving out. He was willing to pay 1/2 the rent as we are in a lease til next April. He wanted to find his own place. After 10 days of looking he realized he couldn’t afford 2 places so he moved a couch into our son’s playroom and made it his man-cave and eats and sleeps and watches tv in there. Talk about learning to love the one i am with…….
This seems like a great book. If you get a chance to read my blog on Temptation at http://www.luciasmind.blogspot.com, you will get a sense of something my husband and I are dealing with. It appears he has become the object of two ladies’ desires that his congregation. He recently became a Jehovah’s Witness, so we no longer practice the same beliefs. He is exposed to these ladies twice a week every week. The ladies, one married and the other is her daughter, claim to be God-fearing, but have made their inappropriate thoughts about my husband known. Recently, while video taping my husband’s baptism, the younger of the two women, was caught on tape gossiping about my husband and saying some inappropriate comments. She even photographed my husband in some private moments when he was drying off after coming out of the pool after his baptism. AND, one of her pictures was of her own mom staring admiringly at my husband as he was coming out of the pool. My husband says he feels nothing for either lady, though he has admitted that the young one is pretty. When he leaves the house to be in their presence, whether at congregation or out preaching, it really hurts as the bible says the heart is treacherous. I fear one day, there will be a lapse of judgment because their pursuit is so strong. They know we are divided, but fail to realize that he and I are trying everyday to stay committed. I pray every night that he can stand firm and resist their attempts. And he and I can continue to love each other like we did when we made the vow before God.
Thank you for another chance to win one of your books. You are wonderful.
Thanks for the chance to win!
Beautiful post! Thanks for sharing!
Thank you for the heads up on this book and for the chance to win!
Marriage troubles seem to be the hardest to deal with and hurt the worst. I am so sorry for those of you going through so much pain. It’s heartbreaking!
I did want to let you know about FamilyLife’s e-mentoring. Either both of you can find help … or you can find it for yourself.
I’ll be praying!
Tricia
Wow, what beautiful transparency. Thank you for your honesty!
What a poignant story – and so sorry to hear of some of your commenters stories too.
It’s amazing to me how much our society has changed and now we accept so many things, or not so much accept them, but just ignore the presence of. I endured my ex-husband also being untrue to our marriage; and though we tried to reconcile it did not work out. From his adultry a life was born & I could not handle that, fearing that I would dislike the child – now grateful to God, able to see this child as my sons other brother. One thing I sit here now wondering, have I really forgiven him for his infidelity? It was not just once, or even twice… But that shouldn’t matter. How do we forgive? I’ve just moved on. Prayers needed, thx.
Not every story ends up this way. Sometimes I think it’s harder to live with a man who feels more for his “church family” than his own family than to live with a man who has cheated. I dealt with “cheating” prior to marriage and after marriage dealt with the words “I’m not sure I love you” now it’s me who isn’t sure anymore. Feeling as if my husband would be at church with his “family” instead of at my side in the hospital. I’ve only been married once and for 7 years now. Nearly all of it fighting.
I think that this book would greatly improove my relationship with my loving husband. This story sounds inspiring!
I would really appreciate this book. Our church currently only has DivorceCare and I’m trying hard to develop a marriage ministry that encourages, supports and celebrates marriage before we need DivorceCare. Thanks for the opportunity!
My message is to Amy. I truly understand what you mean that you feel your husband has more love for his church family instead of your own family. I feel that way too. When my husband started his new religious adventure, it was as if he was having an affair. He NEEDED to be with them. When he would get back, he would be euphoric. Still does. He defends their misdeeds instead of standing by myside. He and I have spent many days and nights in our seven year marriage, arguing as well.
I will pray for you to have endurance and that your husband can become aware of the woman he has at home. God bless you and your efforts to stay in the marriage. Try reading Sacred Influence by Gary Thomas. I found that helpful as was his Sacred Marriage book.
If I won this book, or if I just go out and buy this book, I would share it with a group and hope to help others as I can help myself. Thanks Deb for this site, your wisdom, insight, your books of which I intend to read!!
Tricia, thanks for your site I found through Twitter, what wisdom, insight, with sharing your lives to help others’; Yours too, Deb; God bless you both and your ministries, families!! Sorry I mixed up your names in the last post, at 7:18 am, that was me.
I am deeply touched by your comments and will keep you all in my prayers. Knowing we’re not alone on life’s journey has given me much hope through the years. God is so faithful to give us those friends who truly understand and can support us. “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” Romans 15:13
For the next week my husband and I will host a young woman who learned this week that her husband has been having an affair. They’re only about 30-something and just this year–after about 10 years of trying–had their son. I just want to punch him! Maybe I’ll throw the book at him. No, I won’t, but I will pray for God’s perfect will for them both.
Janet Holm McHenry
http://www.janetmchenry.com
Deb is a new author to me, but her books sound so interesting and timely. It would be special to win.
Thank you!