The Stranger You Married | Guest Post by Kimberly Rae

It was my first experience seeing an arranged marriage.  The Asian bride was beautiful: her hands and feet painted with intricate red designs and flowers around her neck.

She sat solemnly, face covered with heavy layers of white makeup.  Her groom sat nearby on the stage—thin, lanky, and obviously nervous.

Who wouldn’t be?  I could not stop the questions that came to mind.  What would it feel like to marry a stranger?  What would you say to a man you just married but never really met?

“So, what do you like to do on the weekends?”

“Um, what’s your favorite color?”

“Do you think I’m pretty?”

“Who are you?”

The two marrying that day had actually spoken with each other on two or three occasions and, because of this nebulous period of time, their marriage was deemed a “love match.”

The ceremony concluded, not with a kiss, but with his hand grasping hers—a touch that seemed uncomfortable to both parties.

As the new couple walked back down the aisle, I wondered at their future.  Would he love her?  Would they become friends?  How does it work in places where marriage comes before love, and possibly without love altogether?

Yet, most arranged marriages last for life, while American marriages are falling apart at alarming rates.  Why?  Shouldn’t “love” marriages and “choice” marriages last longer?

It has been explained to me a few times since that curious day.  Our marriages, they say, are based on feeling and infatuation, with high expectations of lasting love and
romance.  If the feelings falter or the romance fades, we feel cheated and are tempted to give up.

Their marriages, on the other hand, are based on cultural expectations and another’s choice, usually the father’s.  Often, even in a horrible situation where one might want to escape, separation is not an option.  The shame of family, the inability for women
to survive independently, and the lifetime ingraining of purpose and duty all keep marriages together regardless of circumstances.

I read once that since they go into marriage with so few, if any, good expectations, they see any small act of kindness a great gift.  We tend to go into marriage with so many expectations, we see any lack of them as if our rights to happiness have been infringed.

Where do expectations come from? 

Every person comes into marriage with different family-cultural expectations.  How did you celebrate Christmas growing up?  How did your parents divide household chores?  What is the purpose of the bathroom floor mat?

How do expectations affect our marriages?

Take an average day in your home.  You have been at work or around children all day.  You can’t wait for your husband to come home and take care of the kids so you can have a break.  You’re hoping he will suggest you order pizza because he notices you are tired.  Then he will cuddle with you, and maybe give a back massage.

Your husband, however, has his own expectations.  He is exhausted after a long day.  He can’t wait to come home, kick off his shoes, and settle into a big armchair.  It would be great if you compliment him on how hard he works for his family.  You would cook a great meal, then he could watch sports and unwind, knowing his wife really cares.

So what happens?  Both of you sprawl out somewhere hoping the other person will notice you.  The unfulfilled expectations simmer, then boil, and eventually someone
either erupts, “Why don’t you every think about anyone but yourself?” or retreats into a slamming-doors/banging-pots silence.

If this happens repeatedly, the small wedge buries itself deeper and deeper, forging rifts between you that affect your child rearing, your time alone, your sex life, your desire to keep trying.
We look at arranged marriages and marvel at how miserable they must be, being married to a stranger.  But how many marriages in America have ended with a man and woman who have alienated themselves into strangers by allowing their expectations to wedge them apart?

What can we do about our expectations?

1.  Figure out what they are.  

Every time you feel yourself getting upset about anything your husband is or isn’t doing, there is an expectation involved. For example, you’re stressing about all there is to do.  You mention how overloaded you feel to your husband, then start a whirlwind cleaning spree.  What
happens if your husband stays on the couch reading a newspaper?  Deep down, were you not expecting
him to jump up and help?

2.  Express some of them.

Often, our husbands would love to meet our expectations, but they just don’t know what they are.  “This is important to me,” might be all he needs.  He doesn’t know how important something is to you until you say so. This is not the same as nagging or manipulating.  It’s communicating.  It’s unfair of me to assume “If he really cared. . .” he would instinctively know what I would like.

3.  Realize your husband has expectations too.

You may think it unreasonable to have to change so his expectations can get met.  That is an understandable feeling, but if you and he both acted on that feeling, you would basically be saying, “Take me as I am; I don’t care enough about you to change.”  Find out what hour husband expects and hopes.  Find out what shows love to him and what doesn’t.  Then start giving, even if your expectations are not being met.  Let God change you first, then watch with delight as God changes your husband.

4.  Fill in the cracks with commitment.

Before God, you promised to love and honor until death.  When you feel unfulfilled, that promise is still a promise.  There will be times when your expectations are not met.  Whether or not your marriage survives depends on how well you allow the commitment you made fill in all the cracks of your unfulfilled expectations.

Fortunately, unlike so many in arranged marriages, we do not have to do this alone.  God is always there to comfort and help.  We can take our unfulfilled expectations to Him, and He will carry them.  We can feel loved and valued, despite our circumstances, because the One Who loves us most is the same “yesterday, today, and forever.” (Heb. 13:8)

I did not have to marry a stranger.  I had the wonderful freedom of marrying my best friend.  That is not something I take for granted.

May God bless my husband with a wife who is loving and giving for Christ’s sake, allowing him to be the same.

That’s what a true “love” marriage is all about.