Have you ever been in an argument with your husband that makes you feel a little crazy?
I am noticing a pattern in my marriage. When my husband and I argue over something very trivial or insignificant—the type of conflict that becomes more about a fight over words or tone rather than the initial source of tension—it is in that moment of feeling completely crazy that I am confronted and convicted about an even larger issue: intimacy!
A question pops into my head: How long has it been since we were intimate with each other?
The usual answer is that is has been more than a week. For some reason when we lack in this area, our relationship becomes volatile, our patience with each other is thin, and our responses are less done in love.
Without nurturing a close connection our bodies cry out for each other, but because of our pride and not being willing to initiate for any reason leaves us fighting against each other instead of drawing near to each other.
When I realize this in the middle of an argument, the last thing I want to do is cultivate intimacy. In fact, my motivation is usually to argue my point because I know I am right, I know I am not the crazy one.
However, if one of us does not give in to love, our proud hearts would ruin our relationship. It is not an easy process, but it is possible. After realizing that what we really need is intimacy, my husband or I will ask if we can pray about our situation. Going before God with our hurt and our reasoning is very humbling. Praying together helps both of us submit to The Lord’s will, and we almost always feel immediate peace.
If you and your husband have been struggling in a crazy cycle where you both are not understanding or agreeing with each other, I encourage you to examine your heart and see if the real need is true intimacy. Ask your husband to pray with you, and have faith that God will reconcile you to each other!
My name is Jennifer Smith and Unveiled Wife is my personal blog. I am a Christian, a wife and a mother of one. These are my three most important priorities in life, in that order.
Unveiled Wife launched in March of 2011. I first began this blog to share with other wives the struggles and the healing I encountered in my first few years of marriage. By God’s grace it has grown into much more than I could ever have imagined, reaching women from all around the world joined together in our community of .
I believe that if you want a thriving marriage, you must be intentional about it.
My passion motivating every post is to encourage other women in their role as a wife, focusing on the foundational principles about marriage revealed throughout the Bible. I write on faith, marriage and motherhood… and the occasional random post that may not fit perfectly into one of those categories.
My goal is to create an atmosphere where women feel safe to share their marriage experiences, find encouragement and affirm each other. You can connect with me on Facebook and Twitter.
Thank you once again for your transparency in your intimate issues, Jennifer! You are helping many women by letting them know they are not alone!
I, too, have noticed this pattern in my Marriage. When you realize lack of intimacy is causing the tension, the last thing you want to do is to initiate intimacy! Thank you for the wonderful suggestion of prayer!
Tricia Goyer says
Dolly, thank you for sharing! It’s amazing how prayer does work … and how my heart can change toward my husband with God’s help.
Thank you for the encouragement Dolly! I am blessed by your words!
Nat Homgren says
I see this a lot when one spouse’s job takes them away from home a lot. The spouse returns full of anger and resentment at things not done that they feel needing done, or responsibilities that they feel resentful at having to step into as soon as they enter the door, regaurdless of what stresses and demands the other spouse has had to deal with while they were gone…. some days they just “survive, and are thankful if they don’t “go backwards” in their days! Then the returning spouse comes home and they lash out in negativism, smashing any loving thoughts or actions. I also notice the same when it comes time for them to leave for another work demand…it’t like they subconciously make themselves angry at something trivial to make it “easier” to leave. Knowing what happens and stopping the cycle are two different things…prayer really does help!
Tricia Goyer says
I find this is true for me. My husband travels and is gone about one week every month. But when he’s way I’m use to being independent and doing things my own way. It’s hard to build that intimacy after John’s been away … but worth it!
Ooh I never saw it that way before, but you are right! Sometimes we sabotage our relationship to make saying good-bye for a time easier, but really it doesn’t make any sense. We need to remain in prayer and keep our hearts right before God if we want to treat our spouse right!
Lena M. says
My problem is wanting sexual intimacy. I have struggled with low to no sex drive our entire marriage and we have only been married for 5 1/2 yrs. This has become a huge issue in our marriage esp since I found out a couple of months ago that my husband has been viewing porn since before we were together and he’s lied about it the entire relationship. I’ve been hurt by my ex in the past and now by my husband and am having a hard time trusting my husband and believing him. I think that part of my not having any desires for sexual intimacy is because I don’t want to open myself up again and possibly get hurt worse than I have been already.
Lena, I understand your anguish. My marriage has also experienced the horrible effects of porn and both of us have been hurt. I don’t know the details of your marriage, but I hope to encourage you that your heart can trust again. When I put my trust in God and let him know how I feel about my husband, I ask God to help me trust and He does help me! Reconciliation is possible! I am praying for you right now!
Its been 5 yrs without any intimacy we will b married 6yrs soon. He said he’s not interested in sex. I’ve been praying. I’ve been faithful to God and him. I know my Jesus has this in control . Just trusting and waiting Gods time not mine.