adoption from foster care

November 12, 2019 by Tricia Goyer Leave a Comment

Don’t Get Lost in the Middle of Ingratitude

There are times when it seems like ingratitude is our go-to reaction. Bad days. Hard times. When the world seems to be spinning backwards, and nothing is going our way, we all find it difficult to smile and roll with the punches. But, that’s actually a choice that will bless us. Let me tell you why.

Don’t Get Lost in the Middle of Ingratitude

One weekend my whole family traveled with me on a speaking trip to a homeschool conference. John drove and helped at the book table. I spoke. The kids attended workshops for their age groups, covered every inch of the exhibit hall, and made new friends.

After packing up all our things, we arrived back home after midnight. We let the kids sleep in the following day, a Sunday, but that meant we missed church. Once we did get up and moving, we had a full house — grown kids and grandkids in addition to our regular household of eleven. It was great but exhausting.

And as I looked ahead to the week to come, I knew things would be getting harder, not easier.

Weary from the previous week, I woke up early Monday morning because my grandma was having back surgery. It turned out her back hadn’t healed as the doctor had hoped. Even though we were diligent about putting on her back brace whenever she sat up or stood, the break had gotten worse. Because of her age and osteoporosis, the doctor didn’t believe her back would heal on its own. Thus the surgery.

It was hard seeing her wheeled away, but a few hours later we received a good report. The surgery had gone well. Now she was back in the hospital room recovering, which meant I was trying to spend as much time up there as I could. Yet that didn’t mean things were slowing down at home.

Monday was also Anna’s eighteenth birthday, and we were planning to have a houseful of people that night, but I was so weary already that a celebration simply seemed like work, not fun. Add on a teen’s rebellion from the previous evening, an attitude I still had to deal with. The day was a heavy, busy one. Yet maybe that’s only because I was looking at my day with the wrong perspective.

The truth was, I had so much to be thankful for.

The previous week a family friend had sold us a car for much less than its value, and now my daughter would have a car for college. My mother had arrived recently to help with my grandmother. And let’s not forget that my grandmother’s surgery went well, even though she was eighty-eight years old.

It was so easy to get caught up in everything that needed to be fixed and done, but truthfully the root of my angst was my grumbling heart. I loved my big family, but inside I grumbled because I didn’t have time for myself.

I loved traveling to speak, but I grumbled because it was so much work, especially taking my family along.

Even though I was very grateful to be in my forties and still have my grandmother around, my heart already carried heaviness as I realized what the weeks ahead were going to look like as I cared for her after surgery.

I was also so quick to figure out the right consequences for my wayward teen that I didn’t pause to realize that her attitude and actions were a red flag, alerting me that there was a connection that needed to be made. What looked like outright rebellion was really a green light to connect with her, to seek her heart.

As I took time to confess my grumbling heart and sought to lift it instead to God, my attitude began to change. Today was a day of celebration. My daughter was eighteen, and God had given us the opportunity to love her and parent her for three years and to do our best to guide her into adulthood. She was a beautiful young lady who loved God and was making good decisions — we needed to celebrate that!

Today was also a day of celebration because I still had my grand- mother and family filled my life. As my husband, John, always says, “There’s a whole lot of living going on here.”

As I thought about all that was happening, I realized that in the midst of it all was God. This life we’d been living had all started with me saying,

God, I’ll do anything for you. Anything.

While it seemed like a noble thought then, the reality was that following Jesus was a whole lot of work day by day. It reminded me of Jesus’ conversation with Peter on the night before his death in John 13:36-38:

Simon Peter asked Him, “Lord, where are You going?”
Jesus replied, “Where I am going, you cannot follow now, but you will follow later.”

Peter asked, “Lord, why can’t I follow You now? I will lay down my life for You.”

Then Jesus answered, “Will you really lay down your life for Me? Very truly I tell you, before the rooster crows, you will disown Me three times!”

Oh, Peter, you had no clue what you were saying, did you? Like me, you had all the right intentions, but you had no idea what your declaration would mean or where it would take you. You had no idea of the tears that would be shed, the conflict you’d face, and the opposition that would come.

Don’t Get Lost in the Middle of Ingratitude

As Oswald Chambers said:

It is much easier to die than to lay down your life day in and day out with the sense of the high calling of God. We are not made for the bright-shining moments of life, but we have to walk in the light of them in our everyday ways. . . . If I am a friend of Jesus, I must deliberately and carefully lay down my life for him. It is a difficult thing to do, and thank God that it is.1

If laying down my life were easy, then I wouldn’t need Jesus. I wouldn’t need to get up early, seek His face, and ask Him to transform my grumbling heart even before the day begins.

Peter’s life was transformed as he faced hardship, and Peter’s heart was transformed too. Later, the man who was ready to fight and die for Jesus realized it wasn’t one grand display that would prove his love but the daily pouring out.

In a letter to fellow believers, Peter wrote,

Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling. Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God’s grace in its various forms. — 1 Peter 4:8-10

That day I awoke with a grumbling heart, but as I sat before God everything changed — not externally but internally. And I knew that my day — as busy as it was — would be transformed too. Getting lost in the middle of ingratitude happened so easily, but refocusing — that was the harder part. How much easier life would be if we could just be brave and do one grand gesture for God and then everything would be smooth from there. Instead, life means laying down oneself over and over again — for your grandmother, for your new-to-adulthood child, and for your difficult teen. That’s what following Jesus truly is all about. Loving through the hardships and when we feel weary. Choosing to praise instead of grumble, and pausing to find God in the midst of busyness. Maybe soon I’d be able to take a moment to rest… but now it was time to step out and love, serve, and praise.

Don’t Get Lost in the Middle of Ingratitude

Reflection Questions

When was the last time you found yourself in the middle of ingratitude?
Even though busy lives filled with challenges can make us weary, how does seeking God and praising Him in the midst of it change things?
What is something you grumbled about today that you can find a way to thank God for instead?

Your Turn

Sometimes we think bravery is doing something big for God, but my friend Holley Gerth says, “Simply doing the next thing is often the bravest choice we can make.” I’ll dare to add to that. Simply doing the next thing (without grumbling) is often the bravest choice we can make.

What do you face today? What is on your to-do list? If you don’t have a list, make one. And then after each item add: without grumbling.

This post originally appeared on Faithgateway: https://www.faithgateway.com/lost-in-the-middle-of-ingratitude/#.XcXilDNKhM0

No More Grumbles

The Grumble Free Year was another instance when God spoke clearly to my heart that I needed to change. That we–as a family–needed to change. We were in a holding pattern of grumbling and complaining, dissatisfaction and discord. The kids couldn’t go a day with some type of unhappy comment. That’s when I knew we had to make a change. We had to find a way to get in line with what God desired for our family–grateful and thankful hearts.

It wasn’t always easy and the results weren’t immediate, but after a year of no grumbling, our life as a family has radically changed. Now, instead of finding fault and looking for excuses, we find joy in the journey–whether rain or sun. We have learned to laugh at our struggles and look for God in the small inconveniences. Day in and day out we are growing and becoming more thankful for all we have.

Let’s get past ingratitude together. Get The Grumble -Free Year here: www.thegrumblefreeyear.com

June 30, 2015 by Tricia Goyer 9 Comments

What It’s Really Like Adopting Teens from Foster Care …

As I write this, we’ve had our new girls in our home for twenty days. Twenty glorious, noisy, dramatic, wonderful days. As parents for 26 years, John and I are used to noise, to mess, and to drama, but adopting teens from foster care takes this to a whole new level … in a good way.

Currently, John is out of town for work and last night we Skyped with him. In addition to our new teens ages 15, 12, and 12, we also have three little ones at home ages 7, 5, and 4. So please picture six excited faces (mine makes seven) crowded in front of the computer trying to chat with Dad. From the other side of the world, John was soaking it all in.

“There is so much life at home,” he said with a smile.

That’s a good way to sum it up.

When John and I first thought about adopting again, we knew we wanted older kids who would soon be aging out of foster care. We also knew we wanted to adopt a sibling group. We knew that sibling groups are harder to place. We also knew we wanted some of those siblings to be girls, because girls are SO vulnerable when they age out of foster care. And while we thought in generalities, God had four specific girls in mind. (The fourth will be moving in later this summer.) We have no doubt God put that desire on our hearts for a reason. We can’t imagine our life without these girls.

So what is it really like adopting teens from foster care?

1. It’s emotional.

My heart aches when I hear about the pain in their past. I’m sad that I wasn’t there to hold them during hurts. I’m sorry they had to go through what they did, while at the same time, I’m thankful that I can hear their stories and attempt to understand. That sadness is mixed with excitement of discovering the personalities of each kid. There is joy in feeling the connections and bonds growing. There is hope that our family unit will continue to grow strong. There is love. Growing, intertwining, deepening love.

2. It’s dramatic.

There are many relationships that are interacting all at the same time. There are teen siblings who’ve been through a lot together and other kids in the family who are trying to adjust to all these new people, too. Each relationship has unique interactions, some I don’t completely understand yet. The drama comes from fun and fights, from pulling together and at times pushing apart. It’s as if eleven pinballs have been released into a pinball game at once and everyone bounces off everyone else (while staying within the confines of who “the Goyers” are). The drama isn’t bad. Instead it’s a sign that everyone is still getting used to everyone else. Even in this short time, it’s fun to see how individual relationships are changing and growing. (Then there is the dynamic of having twins! I never really understood the twin bond before. These girls are screaming at each other one minute and hugging each other the next. I’m in awe.)

3. It’s holy.

I can’t think of a better word to describe it. Despite the emotions and drama, despite the paperwork, the DHS visits, the check-ins and home studies, there’s a sense that this is good, this is right, and this new sense of family makes God smile. Those who were once not-a-family are now a family. Those who were orphans—wards of the state—are now cherished children. Those were apart are now together, with God in the center. His Spirit is here in the midst of the noise and mess, and He is pleased. I feel that pleasure.

Those are the three top things that came to mind when I thought about how this adoption is going.

Do I have any regrets in choosing to adopt teens? Not one.

Am I falling in love with these kids? Yes, very much.

Do I get overwhelmed and tired at times? Everyone would nod yes to this one. Mom does get tired and cranky!

Is it hard figuring out how to deal with teen issues in today’s world? Yes! Even though I’ve raised three kids to adulthood, raising teens today is different than ten years ago. Each personality is different, too. I’m still trying to figure it out!

Will I have to give up some of me to make more room for them? I already have.

Is it expensive? Yes, they eat a lot and like clothes!

Is it worth it? Yes, yes, yes!

What it’s really like adopting teens from foster care is seeing that God had something more wonderful planned than I ever could have imagined. It’s seeing His way of caring for orphans is hard but beautiful. It’s understanding that while we’re giving a lot we’ve been given some pretty amazing gifts. I’m so thankful that these gifts now call me mom.

What’s it really like adopting teens from foster care? @TriciaGoyer share her top 3 insights here:

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March 12, 2015 by Tricia Goyer 1 Comment

Adoption | He Said, She Said

This post is part of For the Family’s He Said/She Said series. My husband, John, and I shared our perspectives on our adoption journey. Keep reading for both sides of the story!

He Said {John’s Perspective}

When I met Tricia she was the young mother of a baby boy, so we’ve had children in our relationship since our first date. We never got a honeymoon phase, and I always said that we were getting an early start. I set my mind on the someday when we’d be empty nesters and get our lengthy one-on-one time together on the other end of the intense parenting years.

Then, as our children started getting older, I kept thinking about what it would mean to have an empty nest. There would be fewer complications and more free time to pursue other interests, like going to work in an orphanage in a third world country. But Tricia wasn’t up for that idea at all. The idea of no running water or flushing toilets didn’t appeal to her.

God began taking our focus off of “self” and opened my eyes to my family. As I prayed, I realized that maybe the call to care for more children wasn’t a call to an orphanage, but to orphans.

Then one day Tricia approached me about adopting a little girl from China. We prayed about it, thought about it, and decided to pursue it.

It took a lot of time and money to get our paperwork in for a Chinese adoption, and then — miraculously — God stopped our process. What should have taken months took years. And this adoption still isn’t completed. It was hard to see my wife cry in frustration when things didn’t go as planned, but there was nothing we could do. This adoption was in God’s hands.

Then, Tricia’s friend approached her one day and asked if we would consider adopting domestically. We were interested but cautious. I was fearful Tricia would get her heart broken again. We met with the birth mother and shared with her our thoughts on family. A few weeks later she told us that she chose us. We were overjoyed!

After adopting Alyssa, I thought our family was complete, but God had other plans: He had more children in mind for us.

God placed it upon my heart that there were lots of children right here in Arkansas who needed a mom and a dad. The problem was we had the capacity to care for children, but we couldn’t afford it. With the expenses we’d already paid with both the China and the private adoption—and a job change with a lower income—we couldn’t find extra money to pursue another adoption.

Then, when talking to a friend, I learned that it didn’t cost anything to adopt from the state foster care system. That night when Tricia called me from the MomLife Retreat, I was excited to share the news, and that’s what started the ball rolling.

But I had concerns.

The concerns are real.

As a man, my biggest concern with adoption had to do with the logistics. I considered my stage in my career, the work of caring for small children, ensuring I had an adequate home and cars that were large enough, etc. I also wanted to make sure that my health was good—that I’d be around as they grew into adulthood.

Additionally, I struggled with not having that “empty nest” time. I looked forward to that time, but I still felt adoption was the right thing to do.

I felt God challenging me to live beyond my selfishness.

For example, I enjoy watching movies, woodworking, and bike riding. I also like to relax, but all the self-indulgent idle time for which I long will not produce anything of equal value in comparison to loving, raising and discipling children for the kingdom.

Even though I had concerns about basic care, nurturing, feeding, and educating these kids, I came to understand that I don’t have to have the best or the most perfect. The most important thing that we can give to orphans is a commitment to love them and give them a forever family.

The most important things to give to orphans is commitment to love them! #adoption @TriciaGoyer

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Of course this is easy to talk about but hard to do. When it came to adopting from the foster care system, things happened fast. In a couple of days we went from not knowing these kids, to picking them up to make them part of this forever family.

The night before we picked them up I could hardly sleep. I was worried about what I was doing to my wife, myself, my other children. Would the needs of these new kids be too much? Was this the right decision?

That morning while reading the Bible, Tricia and I came to James 1:27:

Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you (NLT).

God gave us this verse at the perfect moment; His Word calmed our fears and told us we were on the right path.

Tricia and I praised God and worshiped Him that morning, knowing that He was calling us to adopt. It was a moment we’ll look back on for a long time. Because of that verse given to us at that moment, we never wavered that God called us to these children, even during dark days.

From man to man:

Men, you don’t have to be perfect to be a parent. You just need to commit to and invest in a child. You don’t have to have a big house. (You’ll never a house that’s big enough.) You don’t have to wait until you have enough money. (You’ll never have enough money.)

Instead, take a step of faith. That’s where God will meet you, and He’ll take care of the logistics.

Blessings,
John

She Said {Tricia’s Perspective}

I first thought about adoption around 1999 when I was reading an article about orphanages in China filled with baby girls. At the time, John and I had three young kids ages 10, 7, and 5. I had also just gotten my first book contract.

I talked to John about adopting an orphan, but he didn’t think it was a good idea. The idea of adding more kids into our chaotic life wasn’t appealing to him. Not to mention the cost, which was $20,000+. Oh, and I should mention my propensity to take on more than I can chew. One of John’s roles in life is to protect me from my good intentions.

Years later the kids grew up, and John was the one to bring up the idea of adoption with me. I jumped on the chance. I was SO excited about adopting a baby girl from China, but just as we turned in our paperwork, in 2008, things changed. They slowed down the number of adoptions. It looked like a 4-5 year process. I was heartbroken.

I clearly remember one day when I was crying out to God, “Why did you even put this on my heart if it’s not going to happen?” (And by “happen” I meant in the way I wanted, with the beautiful, Chinese baby girl that I imagined.) And God taught me a few things in the process:

Relinquishment. Peace came as I surrendered my will to His. I wanted a baby girl from China, asap. Instead, I relinquished my dreams to Him. I started praying, “Lord, give us the child you desire for us at the right time.” It wasn’t about a cute baby. It wasn’t about me. It was about God’s perfect purposes for His men and women — and children — on earth.

Trust. When I relinquished my will, God began to work. We were approached (through a friend) by a birth mom about a newborn. Were we interested? Yes! In March 2010 God gave us the most beautiful baby girl I’ve ever seen. She wasn’t the child for whom we had worked so hard, but she was a gift.

Faith. Two years later I was confronted by the idea of adoption again when our church hosted the “Arkansas Heart Gallery.” Our foyer was lined with photos of kids who needed forever homes. These were older kids; many were ethnically diverse. They were kids from the foster care system, and their parents had lost their rights. They were now wards of the state. My heart was tugged, but I questioned how interested John would be. This was a whole new thing. Adopting children with baggage and attachment issues was different than adopting a baby.

I mentioned children from the Heart Gallery a few times in passing, but I didn’t think much more about it until I read a book called Kisses for Katie. It was about a young woman who adopted thirteen children in Uganda. I read the book on the way to a MomLife retreat, and I was moved.

I felt God speaking to me, “If she can adopt thirteen children in a third-world country, can’t you open your home to a few more?” I felt led to ask a few friends to pray that John’s heart would be open to adopting from the foster care system.

Later that night, when I called home, these were the first words out of John’s mouth, “Did you know that adopting from the foster care system is free?” As I heard my husband’s words, my faith grew. Adoption wasn’t “my” thing that I needed to “talk my husband into.” Adoption was on God’s heart.

Since then we’ve adopted two children from the foster care system, and our home is currently open to adopt more! And as I wait to hear about our new placement, God’s speaking the same things to me again:

Relinquish
Trust
Have faith

God is the one who creates families, and I’m honored to be on this journey with God and my husband. With each step God is teaching me to trust Him — not my own ideas — about adoption.

Blessings,

Tricia

When is comes to adoption: Relinquish. Trust. Have faith. @TriciaGoyer

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Read the original He Said, She Said posts here and here!

If you are interested in adopting, here are other blogs I’ve written about our journey:

Adoption: Sometimes Love Grows

How to Adopt for {Almost} Free

Adoption from Foster Care: Your Questions Answered, Part 1

Adoption from Foster Care: Your Questions Answered, Part 2

Adoption from Foster Care: Your Questions Answered, Part 3

Adoption from Foster Care: Your Questions Answered, Part 4

Choosing to Adopt: One Couple’s Story

Adoption {She Said}

Adoption {He Said}

The Sad News About Adoption in Our World

Meet the New Goyer Children (our announcement in 2013!)

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February 20, 2015 by Tricia Goyer 6 Comments

The Child God Chose for Us | Adoption & God’s Timing

Thirteen years ago, I was reading a Woman’s World magazine, and one article changed my thoughts on how many children is “enough.” At the time, I thought three was plenty. My kids were ten, seven, and five. I was homeschooling them, and we had a very busy life.

Then I read an article about all the girls growing up in orphanages in China. I wept when I read the article and realized my heart had room for more. That night after dinner, I showed John the article and brought up the idea of adoption. At the time, John wasn’t interested. “These three are a handful. How can we deal with more?” Then there was the thought of cost. Adoption was (is!) expensive. I was disappointed, but I let the matter drop. I’ve learned over the years that nagging never works, and if God desires John’s heart to change, then He’ll do the change.

Years passed, and I mentioned adoption a few more times. I was still interested, and John was still not. Then around 2005, John surprised me by asking me if I still was interested in adoption. My eyes grew wide, and I exclaimed, “Yes!”

Over the years, God had softened John’s heart. Maybe it was due to the fact our kids were older and easier to deal with. Maybe it was because I was mentoring teen moms and we had their little kids around often (and enjoyed that!). Or maybe because God decided the time was right.

It took almost three years for us to fill out the paperwork for a Chinese adoption … just in time for the wait for a Chinese baby to greatly increase. We still don’t have that beautiful little Chinese girl I felt called to add to our home. We’re still waiting, and we know that the child God chooses to bring into our home in this way is going to be pretty special. And, like the way God works, there have been other surprises along the way.

You see, a few Decembers ago I was extremely discouraged. Why did God place this on my heart … and why did it take so long for John to get on board … only to have everything slow down in China? I didn’t understand. After crying and praying about it, I finally had peace. God (not me!) had a perfect plan. I relinquished all my ideas and dreams to Him. I told Him I trusted Him and I was willing to wait.

It was that very same day that I got a call from a friend telling me about a birth mom in our own town who was looking for an adoptive family. John and I soon met with this amazing young woman, and we realized that God had a different gift for us than we expected.

Our baby girl was born in March 2013, and she has been an amazing gift to us! When we hold, hug, kiss, and play with Alyssa, we are filled with joy. She brings joy to our lives, but there’s also joy knowing that even though God’s plans are different than ours … in the end, they are beautiful.

Looking back, I’ve come to learn God’s timing is perfect. We just need to be willing to trust Him, wait, and be open to the children He has planned for our families.

God’s timing is perfect—we need to be willing to trust Him & wait @TriciaGoyer

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