Busyness

September 27, 2023 by Tricia Goyer Leave a Comment

When Saying No is the Best Thing For Your Faith

I’ve discovered that when I’m too busy with too many things, I turn to God for strength. He is faithful to provide it, but there is so much more of God that I’m missing out on. There is a relationship that only comes when I am still with Him, when I dig deep into His presence. I love this quote by Henri Nouwen:

“So we try to do more while our energies ebb away and we become like uprooted trees with our roots wildly groping for the sky. Thus we anxiously throw our arms toward heaven, praying for extra grace and special enabling, when instead we should be planted again in nourishing soil. That soil is not meant to make us do less, but to change our priorities so that we take time to be still. And in the stillness, find new strength and hope.”

When we say “no” to busy things, we say “yes” to the best thing—time with God.

And when we have time with God, He is able to direct our priorities. He will show us what is vital, what is important, and what can be cut. God will guide our answers to the requests that come our way. He sees things with an eternal perspective and can help us do the same. Sure, we may get kudos from others when we work our tails off, but wouldn’t you rather get kudos from God?

When we first adopted, our family’s only weekly commitments were work, school, and Sunday church. It was a good feeling. The kids went to bed early, and John and I had time to connect. We were still in the “adjustment” time with the new kids. Everyone needed this time to adjust to being a family without the busy-ness of life getting in the way.

Have faith that God will direct you toward the priorities that align with His.

During that first year, I was asked if I would serve in the toddler Sunday school class over the summer. I quickly answered no. I knew for that season, I had my priorities of our adopted kids and our vacation travel. It wasn’t until an hour later that I asked my husband if I had answered too quickly.

“No, I’m proud of you,” he told me. “You know what’s important, and you told her you could help in the fall.” Because I’d spent time with God, He directed my priorities. I’d answered—not out of selfishness, but out of an understanding of what He’d called me to; bringing children into our home and helping them heal.

I used to be the worst at saying “no” until I realized the greatest “yes”—Jesus.

I no longer feel I have to be the person everyone else can count on. Instead, I strive to be still before Jesus and make sure He can count on me as I count on Him.

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July 14, 2014 by Tricia Goyer 2 Comments

God is Good, In Spite of My Procrastination

If you could see my desk you would chuckle.

Okay, maybe not. Perhaps you would have pity on me, volunteer your time and set to work on my massive to-do list. (Any takers? eh? eh?)

If you could see my desk you would chuckle. Okay, maybe not. @TriciaGoyer

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Seriously, I have stacks of bills to pay, letters to answer, books to mail out, and a checkbook to balance. That’s not including the research books for my work-in-progress, and my non-fiction manuscript galley that I need to read through.

Usually, I can keep the balls up in the air. The bills are rarely late. The checkbook evidentially gets balanced. I get my kids to the right camp, on the right day. (If you don’t know what I’m talking about, you HAVE TO read Susie Warren’s story on www.faithchicks.com)

And somehow, with God’s grace, my writing assignments are turned in on time. But it’s the things like mailing books out that end up taking longer than they should.

This is NOT a good thing.

Not only do I want my readers to like me, but sometimes they might not live long enough to see the autographed front cover.

Let me explain… Two years ago I received the first copies of Night Song in the mail. One thing I do is send free books to everyone who helped on the project–especially to the veterans I interview.

Well, one of the men I interviewed was a medic. He gave me some great information for my character, Nick. (Would you believe I had to go look his name up! I have too many hunky heroes in my head!)

Anyway, I emailed Earl to let him know the book would be in the mail. He said he was down with a broken hip, but he was looking forward to getting the book. A few days passed (I was under deadline for another project). Then a week. Then two. Finally, I got the book in the mail. THAT THE SAME DAY I got a note from Earl’s son telling me he’d passed away. I felt HORRIBLE! I mean, I was literally sick to my stomach. Earl had helped me so much. He had been SO excited to have an autographed copy from me. And I couldn’t get my act together enough to mail a silly book.

I sent a sympathy card to Earl’s family and a letter. I apologized to them for not sending the book sooner. A week later I received an email from his daughter.

“Oh honey,” she said. “Don’t worry about not sending the book. My dad got tired of waiting and had me buy a copy for him. He read it right before he passed away and loved it. He was so excited. He showed everyone.”

Thank you, GOD!

I was SO thankful. Even though I didn’t have my act together, Someone did!

Isn’t God good?! In spite of my procrastination. @TriciaGoyer

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As an added bonus, through the communication with Earl’s kids I discovered he never shared much about his experiences during WWII. (This is common with many veterans.)

After his death, I was able to forward the emails and stories he’d sent me, and because of that they were able to discover part of their father’s past they’d never known.

Isn’t God good? In spite of my procrastination.

Prayer

God, give me the eyes to see your goodness. Give me the heart to love myself and others in spite of our flaws and “inadequacies.” Allow me to catch a peek at the mystery of your ways.

I have a few books on sale right now! Generation NeXt Marriage is $2.99. You can also get my four World War II novels in the Liberators Series for $13.99.

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September 21, 2013 by Tricia Goyer 2 Comments

Successful (Not Stressful) Family Living

Successful (Not Stressful) Family Living is that possible? Fall is in the air. Gone are the sunny, carefree summer days. Replacing them is the activity-packed, responsibility-filled family schedule. And it’s often crazy with busy-ness. But yes, we can have a successful (not stressful) family living. Read on for more…

A dozen or so years ago, I spoke to my friend on the phone, spilling concerns about fall’s packed calendar. I had kids to homeschool, books to write, mentoring responsibilities—not to mention the daily stuff that comes up.

“At least a few times a week my grandma needs a ride into town for errands,” I explained. “And then there are the kids. There is always last-minute stuff: figuring out the right homeschool curriculum, play dates with friends, and church activities.”

My friend listened and then answered with a sigh.

“It sounds like you’ve set yourself up for failure. Without a plan, you leave everyone vying for a piece of you. What if your grandma had a set day when you’d take her to town? Do you think she could get everything squeezed into one afternoon?

“What if your kids knew which day was shopping day?” she continued. “Could they come up with a list of their needs? Or better yet, could they help with shopping? And what about your freelance work—could you schedule days for certain things?”

Her idea was brilliant, and I wondered why I hadn’t thought of it sooner myself. As soon as I got off the phone, I started working on a plan. I started with my grandma first, setting up a weekly date for breakfast and errands. That worked so well, I began scheduling grocery shopping and my kids’ weekly chores, too.

Struggling to keep your family life together? Check out these tips from @TriciaGoyer:

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I also decided to take a look at what I was doing and why. Were these things I truly wanted to do, or was I simply trying to meet someone else’s expectations? Oh yes, I also decided to enlist help with the new system.

Successful (Not Stressful) Family Living

In the past, I had assumed all household and family responsibilities rested on my shoulders (another way I set myself up for failure). But I’ve since discovered my husband, John, likes the idea of working on our schedule together. In fact, most guys are eager to step up to the plate when given the chance.

As I shared my plan with John, he had great insight when it came to kids, chores, and activities. “Spending time with the family” sometimes means cleaning out the garage or raking fall leaves. But as we remind our kids, “Many hands make light work.” This system also creates space for playtime!

Here are three more ideas we’ve embraced:

Focus on Family

It’s been said that what you spend your days doing will determine what you spend your lifetime doing. There’s a lot of truth in that. And, five years from now, I don’t want to look back and regret not spending enough time with my friends, my children, or my spouse.

I’m often guilty of focusing on the wrong things. I worry what my neighbor thinks about the weeds growing in my flowerbed while completely ignoring the fact that I haven’t had a heart-to-heart conversation with my husband in weeks. I spend an hour decorating cookies for the church bake sale and then tell my family to fend for themselves when it comes to dinner.

“Our choice reveals what we love the most, what we fear, what is of ultimate value to us, and what we think we need in life—in other words, our choices expose the dominant desires of our heart,” writes Leslie Vernick, author of How to Act Right When Your Spouse Acts Wrong.

Or to put it another way . . . Jesus said, “What does it profit man if he gains the whole world and loses his own soul?” (Mark 8:36). Likewise, what does it profit my family if I’m known for the best school lunches, volunteering at the local rest home, or keeping in shape by committing to daily exercise if I don’t spend time with the people I’ve committed to love forever?

Step out of the safety zone…And into Successful (Not Stressful) Family Living

Will life really fall apart if I leave the dishes in the sink overnight? (No, I’ve tried it!) I don’t want to pass up making a memory to clean a kitchen that will be dirty again tomorrow. Still, I worry. What if my friend stops by and sees the mess? What will my mother-in-law think if the floor hasn’t been swept?

“Pressures come from two directions: what other people expect of us and what we expect of ourselves,” says Dennis and Barbara Rainey, authors of Staying Close. “It is so easy to let yourself be driven by the agendas of other people. Externally, their voices form a deafening chorus, incessantly telling us what we ought to do.”

For us, the safety zone also meant not stressing if someone is coming over. So what if everything wasn’t perfect? (Especially if perfection means a cranky, frantic family.) “Pay attention to the messages you’re sending your family,” says Denise Schofield, author of Confessions of a Happily Organized Family. “Don’t ever give them the impression the house is more important than they are. Somewhere along the line we’ve come to the conclusion that the house has to be cleaner for people that don’t live there.”

Remember that rigid people are brittle and break easily

I’m trying to be more flexible about my expectations. I’m also trying not to fret over little things, even if they don’t match my standards. A lot of women cut their own throats by being too picky about the house, their time, and their schedule. If I want my husband and kids to help me succeed, I need to affirm their efforts. Even if those efforts are not what you consider perfect.

The best part is that I now view intentional living as a lifestyle, a lifestyle of successful (Not Stressful) family living. I’m not out to over-schedule my life—filling in little calendar squares—to the point that I need to carry a day planner 24/7. Instead, each week I look over my problem areas and see how to arrange them in a way that works for me and those I love.

Some arrangements turn into weekly commitments, while others change with the ebb and flow of the week. I replay this phrase in my mind: “Set yourself up for success, not failure.” And this happens when I make a plan to meet my family’s needs . . . and when I seek their help in meeting some of mine in return.

Since talking with my friend, I’ve been more purposeful about my time.

I’ve talked with John and we’ve blocked out space for vacation and fun. On my calendar (yes, I did buy a new, blank one for myself), I’ve written in date nights, morning quiet time, and even certain days for errands. I’ve planned success, instead of allowing myself to be caught up in a cycle of guilt and over-commitment. I’ve embraced this gift.

And now . . . I offer it to you.

What will you do with it?

One way that we have found a more successful (not stressful) family life is through gratitude. Our twelve-month journey from grumbling to gratefulness was one of the biggest challenges we’ve faced as a family. And yet, it was also one of the biggest blessings. We learned and grew and changed as a family from people who were struggling to a group ready to give God glory through all things.

Maybe you need a grumble free year as well? Explore how God can use our obedience to move us from grumbly to grateful in The Grumble Free Year. www.thegrumblefreeyear.com

Did this speak to you? You might enjoy 4 Ways to Immediately De-Stress:

September 20, 2013 by Tricia Goyer 4 Comments

Stop Striving: Surrendering Brings Peace

laundry — Sometimes we just need to surrender.

Last week was a crazy week. I worked hard, striving to get things done. We got moved into our new house (yeah!), but my husband had to be out of town for work (boo!). I was excited about unpacking, and then I discovered Focus on the Family was coming to my house to tape videos for the Lead Your Family Like Jesus Curriculum. (Oh my!) It was time to strive even harder.

In addition to caring for three kids under six years old and trying to unpack, now I had to get my house pretty enough to be videotaped. Add the longer commute to take my daughter to her therapy school, and I have to admit I was one stressed mom. There was no peace in my home.

My kids must tell when I’m stressed because they were whiney and clingy. Exploring our new place—and all the boxes—they got into everything. I can’t tell you how many times I said, “Do not touch that!”

Today, after repeating that phrase a few dozen times, I realized that my striving hasn’t been getting me too far. It was time to surrender.

Is it time to surrender and let God take over? @TriciaGoyer

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Waving the White Flag

1. I surrendered to realistic expectations. Is it realistic that my house will stay clean with three little ones, that they’ll play contently with toys, and that I’ll be able to answer phone calls and emails without interruptions? Probably not. Today I remembered that these are little kids and that some day they’ll be big and gone. A mess is realistic. Having to lead, guide, and discipline my children is realistic. Having to wait until after bedtime to answer emails (or write this blog) is realistic.

2. I surrendered to depending on God. I’m a person who likes to handle things on my own. I take pride in doing a job well. I like to be organized and feel in control. Yet a busy schedule and kids is more that I can handle. I’m not always organized, and I’m rarely in control. I need God. Reminding myself of that and turning to Him changes everything.

3. I surrendered to being and not doing. I love marking things off my to-do list, but today I just sat down with my kids and played. We played blocks. We played toy animals, and I wondered why I don’t do this more often. “Being” a mom is more important than doing things around the house.

4. I surrendered to grace and compassion. God has given me so much grace and compassion. When I remember this I’m more likely to give it to others. Grace means undeserved favor. It’s offering to others what I’ve received from God. Compassion is sympathy for another. When I allow myself to be filled up with God then He works in me, the fruit of the Spirit changes me on the inside and it’s evidence is on the outside. The peace can be felt.

Tired of trying to do everything to make things happen? Just surrender. @TriciaGoyer

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When I view the world around me with grace and compassion, everything changes. My emotions change, my actions change, and my interactions change.

Are you facing a crazy week? I know you’ve been working hard. I know you’ve been doing all you can to make things happen, but from experience I can tell you that some days we just need to surrender.

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September 17, 2013 by Tricia Goyer 2 Comments

Time to Allow Yourself to Rest . . . Before the Storms of Life Do It for You

It took the most horrible thunderstorm I’d ever seen for me to get some rest. That and a tree down in the road. Oh, yes, and my toddler having a fever. And the power going out helped, too.

This week has been an exceptionally crazy week. I’d already been scheduled to speak at a blogging conference when we found out our new house was closing. We could have postponed the move except for the fact that my husband was going to be traveling for work for a week. My choice was try to stay put and keep the rental house clean and able to show potential buyers while he was gone or to move to a new house and live among piles of boxes with him out of town. I chose the latter. (Did I mention I have three kids six and under?)

The speaking went well, the move went well, the longer commute to take my daughter to school was fine. And then the thunderstorm hit. It was the biggest storm I’d ever seen. I’d just finished up my radio show, and I was preparing to pick up my kids from the babysitters when it hit. Sheets of water fell from the sky. Rivers of water flowed down our road. Lightning struck all around us. (I later saw a downed tree in the yard of the house right behind ours.)

Mom, feeling tired? Allow yourself time to rest before life’s storms force you to. @TriciaGoyer

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I had no choice but to wait for the rain to let up some before I left . . . which meant I was late picking up my kids. And this caused a problem. You see, I was the coordinator for our teen mom support group and I HAD to be there. But then the power went out. I scrambled to find a flashlight for my 84-year-old grandma who lives with me.

I was still determined to get my kids and get from the meeting when the babysitter called next. My daughter had a high fever—could she give her something for it? Yes, I told her, and that’s when I knew that I could not make the meeting. I could not leave my grandma in the dark, and my feverish child needed me.

So . . . what did I decide to do? Find out in the rest of the post, which is featured today on Hope for the Weary Mom!

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August 14, 2013 by Tricia Goyer Leave a Comment

Are You Busy? Is It Hurting Your Soul?

Just how busy are you?

I recently read this quote that got me thinking about how “being busy” hurts my soul.

We can’t get along with others because we can’t get along with ourselves, and we can never get along with ourselves until we are in fellowship with the heavenly Father through faith in Jesus Christ. In this world of noise and crowds, silence and solitude are enemies to human enjoyment and must be avoided. Restless people must get lost in the crowd and keep busy in a multitude of activities in order to escape the demands of life.

Warren Wiersbe, Jesus in the Present Tense

Do you relate? Do you feel surrounded by noise? Do you feel restless? Do you always feel you have to “do something” only to find yourself feeling lost and empty? Do you have a hard time getting along with yourself, let alone others?

Do you feel surrounded by noise? Try @TriciaGoyer’s tips for saying no to busyness.

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How does being busy hurt your soul?

We are in conflict with others. Being busy treats people as projects. We get into self-protection mode, and to preserve ourselves we keep everyone else at arm’s length.

We feel disconnected from ourselves. I feel most connected with myself when I’ve spent time with God. I understand myself when I see myself through His eyes. When I spend time with God, His Spirit helps me to see that my life is part of His plan.

True or false: Being too busy is dangerous to your soul. (@TriciaGoyer)

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We feel as if everything is up to us. We think we need to make things happen. We believe we must order and control our world around us. The truth is, we see our futures best when we realize God’s already there. Like this quote from Casting Crowns says,

“When I’m lost in the mystery
To You my future is a memory
Cause You’re already there.”

God’s Word reminds us to be still

He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth.” Psalm 46:10 NIV

I love how the New American Standard Version translates it: “Cease striving and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.”

Friend, you don’t need to strive. It’s OK to cease striving. Your soul will even thank you for it!

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July 6, 2013 by Tricia Goyer 5 Comments

40 Ways To Be Present in Your Child’s Day

The true gifts of life lie in the moment. That is why we call it the present. ~ Author Unknown

In the midst of a busy day it’s easy for mamas to think of our children as “tasks” rather than as “hearts” we need to connect with. I sometimes struggle with putting my kids before my to-do list. After all, I can mark things off my to-do list as “done.” With kids, they are never done.

It hurts my heart to realize what my kids see and experience on some days: a busy, distracted mom who orders their lives instead of really seeing them.

“If young children live in the present and adults spend most of their time in the past or in the future, we have abandoned our children to some degree,” says Becky Bailey, PH.D., author of I Love Your Rituals.

How often are your children present but abandoned in your day? <click to tweet>

Do you expect them to be able to entertain themselves so you can get your work done? Do you use the television or video games to keep your kids occupied more than you should so you can focus on your work? I’ve been guilty of both.

Yet, I also know children can only entertain themselves for so long. Children will do what it takes to get our attention. Won’t they?

“We get caught up in our obligations and tasks and lose sight of our children until they ‘get in trouble’ (displease us) or ‘do something special’ (please us),” says Bailey. “On these occasions, children received our undivided attention—negative or positive. Neither type of attention is helpful or healthy. . . . To break this cycle, adults must take charge and establish strong relationships with children. They must make time to ‘be’ with their children. This time must be commanded and orchestrated by adults, not demanded by children.”

We must give our children attention—real, focused, positive attention. I’ve found when I spend even ten or fifteen minutes with my children at regular intervals during the day, they are happy to entertain themselves or play positively with their siblings at other times. When our child’s love tank/attention tank is full, then he or she has fuel to feed other positive relationships.

Each moment in our day we have the choice to be present. Our children will not only benefit from it, but we will reap the rewards.

40 Ways to Be Present in Your Child’s Day

Sing “This Little Piggie Went to Market” as you put on your child’s socks.
Make eye contact when your child asks you a question.
Use different voices when reading a bedtime story.
Play horsey ride.
Take a deep breath and say a prayer thanking God for “right now.”
Get on the floor and invite your child to join you.
Create a gratitude journal with your kids and add to it through the day.
Put down your smartphone. Set it aside and pick it up and check it once an hour.
Write things you appreciate about your kids on post-it notes and repeat these things often.
Add a sprinkling of love to your child’s lunch. Ask, “What is one thing I can do to show my child I love him/her during this meal?”
Ignore the dishes, the laundry, the vacuuming for the first hour of the day and start the day off with your child.
Teach your child a finger play you knew as a child.
Find ways to say “Yes” rather than “No.”
Start again if a moment’s not going right. Call out, “Do over!”
Reflect on what your child is doing at that moment. “You are standing on one leg. You are jumping up and down.” Don’t feel you have to praise for no reason … kids just enjoy the focused attention.
Teach your child a simple chore.
Slow down. Take twice as long as you plan on doing something, and do it with your child.
Tell your child about an experience you had when you were his/her age.
Soak in your child’s stories. Ask for more details.
Ask your child what he/she would like to do for ten minutes. Set a timer and have fun.
Go into the yard and see what type of creatures you can find.
Play Simon Says.
Tell your child than you are so thankful he/she is part of your family.
In your mind trade places. How does your child see you in that moment? How do you want your child to see you?
Call a friend or family member with your child, just to say, “Hi.”
Exercise together!
Bring out your photo album and share a special memory.
Offer a hug.
Host a family meeting and highlight things your family can look forward to and things your family is doing right.
Catch your child doing something right.
Ask your child to help you with whatever you’re working on.
Go on a lunch date.
See how high you can count as a team.
Visit the library.
Tell your child about the first week after they were born.
Tell your child the meaning of her name.
Memorize a Bible verse together.
Turn off the Television
Forgive yourself. Don’t let your mind wander to the past and all the ways you’ve messed up as a parent. Give that to God.
If you find yourself thinking/worrying about the future file that away for later when your kids are in bed. Better yet, give that to God, too!

Now . . . what can you add to this list? I’d love to know!

Read the original post over on The Better Mom!

Also, I’d love to hear how YOU are present!