Time-Out Rules You Should Follow

Did you miss a post in this series? Read parts one, two, and three.

Of course, time-out sounds easy . . . until you try it. It’s then that the yelling, screaming, kicking, and running away start.

Good rules to follow for time-out:

• Time-out is effective for children ages eighteen months and older.
• 50% of your child’s body must stay in the chair. If they are half laying on the chair, that works! (At least for the start.)
• If your child gets off the chair, put him back in the chair.
• If your child gets off a second time, then give a consequence. “If you get off the chair, you will not be able to watch television today.” “If you get off the chair, you will not get a fruit snack during snack time.”
• If you go through THREE consequences, then finish time-out the best you can and follow through with the consequences. Usually one time of having to experience three consequences is enough to teach your child that staying in the chair is worth it!
• Your child must be quiet in time-out. OK, THIS is a hard one. It’s still hard. My younger children cry, and my six-year-old likes to argue. Let your child know she must be quiet in time-out, but if she isn’t, just ignore her. Do not give continuous commands to quiet down. Do not yell. Do not lecture. (This is hard.) Just ignore your child’s noise or words. Eventually your child will be quiet. It’s not fun arguing when no one responds! We have gotten to the place where my children are mostly quiet in time-out. Sometimes, I do give one reminder. Sometimes, if they refuse to quiet, I will add more time to the timer.
• Your child stays in time-out for one minute for each year they are old. Two years old = two minutes, etc.
• Remember the key is that your child is missing the FUN! If your child is in time-out, go and play with the other kids. Your child may consider it “teasing.” (I’ve heard this.) But it’s reinforcement.
• If you are having trouble with any of the rules, model time-out again with Mr. Fluffy, reinforcing the rules.
• If your child does not go to the chair on his own, you can help him, guiding him gently.
• If another child bothers your child in time-out, then he goes to time-out too. (This usually only has to happen once or twice to be remembered.)
• Use a kitchen timer for YOURSELF. I’ve forgotten to use a timer before, and my kids have stayed in time-out for more than ten minutes. Ooops! But use the timer as a reminder, not as the end of time-out. You are the one who gets your child out of time-out.
• You may need to reset the timer for children who know the time-out routine—and who’ve been following it—but one day try to test it by getting down or screaming during time-out. They will discover that having the time reset is not fun!

Time-out tips to remember:

• Sending a child to time-out must happen immediately after the unacceptable behavior occurs. Having it happen later does NOT work.
• Do not lecture. Your only response should be, “You chose not to pick up the blue car and obey Mommy. You chose to go to time-out.”
• Don’t let bad behavior build. Nip it in the bud with the first unacceptable behavior. If you let the behaviors escalate to a tantrum you will not be able to have an effective time-out.

How YOU should act:

• Calm
• Controlled
• Caring (you are doing this to teach obedience)
• Consistent (don’t let your child use an excuse and get off)

How your child should act:

• At first your child may scream and cry, but when she realizes this doesn’t work, this behavior should stop.
• All protests, fussing, promises to be good should be ignored, too.
• Your child might say stuff like, “I want to sit here. I like it.” This should be ignored, too.
• Eventually your child should be able to go to time-out on her own, sit there quietly, and wait for you to come. This may seem like a dream, but it can be reached!

The next post will talk about what to do when time-out is over. I’d love your thoughts so far!

Did you miss a post in this series? Read parts one, two, and three.

Did you hear the good news? My book The Swiss Courier (that I co-wrote with Mike Yorkey) is on sale! My new book Balanced is available now via Amazon and Barnes & Noble for only $2.99 (digital only)!

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Where Your Kids should Take a Time-Out

Did you miss a post in this series? Read parts one and two.

One of the most important things about time-outs is choosing WHERE to do it. A few things to consider:

• Find a place that is BORING. This should be away from the flow of the play. Away from the television. Away from the fun.
• Do not use a child’s room. They can still have fun alone in their room!
• There should be no breakable objects nearby. Enough said.
• It’s best to have the child sit in a full-size chair (not a recliner or soft chair).
• If you use a separate room, do not turn off the lights or close a door. The idea is to take your child away from the fun, not scare him!

Our children have time-out in the dining room. It’s away from the “fun” in the living room but still visible. I turn the chair away from the living room/play/television.

A chair turned to the corner of any room can also work.

Our kitchen chairs are tall chairs, and the children’s feet cannot touch the ground. They have to make an effort to get down. I’ve found this very helpful in helping them obey!

Before using time-out, it’s important to explain it. Even if you do a form of time-out now, take time to explain the rules and show your child how it works.

When we learned time-out at the therapist’s office, we used a stuffed animal to “act out” the time-out sequence. “Mr. Fluffy” modeled disobedience, and then I went through the routine.

“Mr. Fluffy, please pick up the blue car.”

“No.” (My voice pretended to be the toy rabbit.)

“Mr. Fluffy, I asked you to please pick up the blue car. You have two choices, either pick up the blue car or you must go to time-out.”

“No!”

“Okay, Mr. Fluffy, you did not obey. You CHOOSE to go in time-out. Since you are three years old, you must stay in time-out for three minutes.”

As I’m acting through this sequence, the child’s eyes are GLUED to it. She wants to see what happens.

After a minute passes (time sped up for example), I then go to Mr. Fluffy. “Mr. Fluffy, time-out is over. Are you ready to go pick up the blue car?”

“Yes.”

The toy bunny (with my help) then goes and picks up the blue car.

“Great job, Mr. Fluffy.” Applause, praise. “Now Mr. Fluffy please pick up the yellow car.”

It’s important to follow the first command with a second to reinforce obedience. More applause, more praise when it’s accomplished.

Sometimes you need to “act this out” a few times for your children to understand. But they will pick it up quickly!

Why don’t you give it a try! I’d love your thoughts on how the example with “Mr. Fluffy” works out!

And on the next post I’ll share more about what time-out should look like once your child is in the chair.

Did you miss a post in this series? Read parts one and two.

Did you hear the good news? My book The Swiss Courier (that I co-write with Mike Yorkey) is on sale! My new book Balanced is available now via Amazon and Barnes & Noble for only $2.99 (digital only)!

Are you new here? You might want to subscribe to my email updates, or follow me on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Google+, or Instagram. 

Three Behaviors When Time-Out Should Be Used

Did you miss a post in this series? Read parts one and three.

On Monday we talked about how time-outs are effective, especially for children from the foster care system . . . although this time-out system really can work for any child. I talked about one of the situations when time-outs should be used: when a child does not obey a parent’s direct command.

Before I get to the second behavior, in which you should use time-out, let me assure you that it is effective. When we got our two children from the foster care system, many very challenging behaviors came with them. I was so frustrated and angry myself. Time-out gave me a tool to use so I can cut-off my own feelings of anger. Time-out continues to give the child respect. And you don’t have to resort to hitting, yelling, or threatening behaviors.

It’s also important for you to teach this technique to others who watch your children. Consistency is important! It’ll also give others tools to stop their frustration!

Like I mentioned in the last post, there are three behaviors when time-out should be used.

1. When a child does not obey a parent’s direct command. 
2. For unacceptable behaviors.

When we first got our kids from the foster care system there were A LOT of unacceptable behaviors. Hitting, lying, breaking stuff, throwing stuff, temper tantrums, fighting, shouting. (Should I keep going?) There were too many things to try to deal with!

The key is to work on one behavior at a time. Make a “house rule” and focus on that.

It’s still expected for your child to obey a direct command, but then introduce a house rule such as, “No throwing things.”

Even though there are many other behaviors, focus on that one for two or three days until you’ll see that behavior starting to subside.

This only works when you:

• Praise your child wildly for positive behaviors
• Are consistent and use a time out every time the negative behavior occurs.

Also, talk about the behavior during the day at a time when there is NO conflict. “Do you remember the house rule about tantrums. What is it?”

I also got books from the library that also talk about the negative behavior—so that it is reinforced.

As the behavior improves then it’s OK to move on to a new behavior. The goal is 80% compliance.

There is one more behavior that warrants a time-out, and this is obvious:

1. When a child does not obey a parent’s direct command.
2. For unacceptable behaviors.
3. For dangerous behaviors.

Dangerous Behavior
Running away from a parent. Playing with scissors. Trying to stick something in an outlet. Throwing a glass . . . all these are behaviors that warrant a time out. Children need to learn that these are dangerous and NOT acceptable.

So, what do you think? Is this helpful?

Next Monday, we’re going to start giving details about choosing a location for time-out!

Did you miss a post in this series? Read parts one and three.

Did you hear the good news? My book The Swiss Courier (that I co-write with Mike Yorkey) is on sale! My new book Balanced is available now via Amazon and Barnes & Noble for only $2.99 (digital only)!

Are you new here? You might want to subscribe to my email updates, or follow me on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Google+, or Instagram. 

How to Effectively Use Time-Out as a Discipline Technique

Did you miss a post in this series? Read parts two and three.

I never used to be a fan of time-out. It never seemed to work. With my older three we’d do more consequence-based discipline. If they didn’t put their toys away, they didn’t get them for a few days. We also spanked (not in anger) on rare occasions for bigger offenses.

But when we brought two kids home from the foster care system, spanking was not an option. Not only was it not allowed, but it can be damaging on children who’ve faced neglect and abuse.

When our kids first came home I was overwhelmed with all their negative behaviors. Thankfully, with the help of our social worker, both of our kids were soon involved in an AMAZING behavior therapy program. (If you’re in Little Rock, I highly recommend The Child Study Center!)

Okay, the truth is, that when we’d go there . . . I’d spill out all the issues we were having, and the therapist would give tools for how to work on behaviors. Time-out was one of these effective tools.

Time-out is a technique that involves putting a child in a very boring place for a few minutes for unacceptable behaviors. The key here is BORING. You are removing your child from the fun!

There are three behaviors when time-out should be used. Today we are talking about the first one.

When a Time-Out Should be Used

1. When a child does not obey a parent’s direct command. This means you actually have to use a direct command.

Right: “Please pick up your blue car and put it in the bin.”
Wrong: “Why don’t we pick up your toys?”

The more direct and specific the better.

I was BAD about doing this. It seemed kinder to “suggest” compliance. Instead, I discovered the kindest thing is to let your child know exactly what you expect.

Also, make sure you have your child’s attention. NOT when they are watching cartoons. NOT when they are in the midst of play.

Walk over to your child.
Gently touch his shoulder.
Look him in the eyes.
Give a direct command. (Not just give a suggestion.)

“Please pick up your blue car and put it in the bin.”

The direct command should be obeyed within five seconds. There should be no counting, no threats, no explanations.

If your child does not comply, there is a sequence to follow.

“Carter, you have two choices. Either pick up the blue car and put it in the bin . . . or go to time-out.”

At this point the choice is the child’s choice. The child will either choose to obey or choose to not obey. If the child does not obey, then it is time for a time-out!

Over upcoming blogs posts we’ll be talking about other behaviors that warrant a time-out. We’ll also talk about what a time-out looks like, but here is the homework for today:

Give direct commands. Get your child’s attention. Use please. Ask exactly what you want your child to do. Praise your child when the command is complete!

Like me, you may be surprised by how off-the-cuff you are about asking your child to follow commands.

Also, like my therapist told me, if you state a question, then your child can answer with “no.” That is perfectly acceptable . . . because you are ASKING.

“Do you want to pick up your toys and then we’ll go outside?”

An acceptable answer is “no.”

I’d love to hear your thoughts. Where do you fall short in asking your child to obey?

Did you miss a post in this series? Read parts two and three.

Did you hear the good news? My book The Swiss Courier (that I co-write with Mike Yorkey) is on sale! My new book Balanced is available now via Amazon and Barnes & Noble for only $2.99 (digital only)!

Are you new here? You might want to subscribe to my email updates, or follow me on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Google+, or Instagram.