Friends

September 6, 2023 by Tricia Goyer 4 Comments

How To Keep Your Faith Strong Over Time

Last week John and I were able to spend time with a couple who has been our friends for twenty-eight years. We live 1,200 miles apart now, so any time we have together is precious.

As we talked about our children and where they are in life, I was amazed again by how quickly time passes. When we met, we had toddlers and infants, and now our kids are grown with families and lives of their own. (Oh, yes, and we still have younger ones at home, too! A double challenge!)

Time passes quickly, and it makes me think about meeting up with my friends twenty-eight years from now. Where will my children be? I can’t even guess. Where will I be? Hopefully still in a close relationship with those I love. Hopefully enjoying new friends, too.

And hopefully stronger in faith and closer with Christ.

My friends and I are mostly the same as we were twenty-eight years ago, but we have walked both light and dark paths along the way. We’ve faced heartache, but we’ve seen God work, too. We’ve dealt with loss, but we can also rejoice that God has give us so much. And more is still to come – we care for our children now, but before we know it we’ll be the ones being cared for.

I realize this even more because I’m the caretaker for my grandmother who lives with us. I do her laundry and cook her food. I drive her to her appointments and dole out her medication. And I pray for her. Coming to a place where one is no longer able to care for herself is a vulnerable place to be!

To be dependent and know it is humbling. To be losing your mental capacities and know it is hard. To feel one’s body is weakening—and not being able to do anything about it—is a struggle. My grandmother tells me often that getting old is the hardest job in the world, and I believe her!

Yet even we our body fails, our mind weakens, and daily life takes work, there is Someone we can turn to and place our faith in.

In Psalm 71:9-10, King David prays this prayer to God, “Do not reject me when I am old or abandon me when I lose my strength.” Since King David had a close, personal relationship with God I have a feeling that this reminder was more for him than for God. It was a reminder that God would be there. That he would not be abandoned.

Before last week, I’d been looking forward to getting to see my friends. I wasn’t worried they might have a few more gray hairs or crows feet since I’d last seen them. I wasn’t worried that I did, either. I was looking forward just to connecting with their hearts!

I like to think of Jesus looking at us the same way.

He can see each of us growing older, but He’s most concerned about our hearts. All of us have bodies that will eventually fail, but we also have hearts that can—and will—grow stronger as we turn to Him.

I know this because I’ve seen the spiritual growth in my friends over the years. I know this because I’ve seen my grandma draw closer and closer to Christ through Bible study and prayer even as her body fails.

Faith is knowing that where we are weak, He is strong.

When we turn to Jesus, He will strengthen us from within. It’s also knowing that the friendships in Christ that we enjoy now will be taken to even a newer, deeper level when we enter eternity.

1 Corinthians 2:9 says, “No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love Him.”

That’s something we can all look forward to!

July 10, 2023 by Tricia Goyer Leave a Comment

How Do You Build Deep Friendships?

Once a year, I am blessed to hang out with some of my favorite friends for four days on a writing retreat. As I’ve mentioned before, every year I get together with a group of Christian novelists to plot, play, and pray together. Each person gets one hour and fifteen minutes of plotting time. They share their book ideas, and everyone else helps them come up with ideas for their plots, characters, and conflicts. (Below I have links to some of the books we’ve plotted if you are looking for great, end-of-summer reads!)

While plotting books is fun, and I enjoy the time playing, the most meaningful part of our time together is connecting and praying together. Every evening after dinner we go around the room and share our lives—what’s going well, what’s not going well, and our deep inner struggles. It’s a time of confession. It’s a time of rejoicing. It’s a time of peeling back the layers and being completely real. It’s a time of knowing that I am loved even as I share some of my biggest hang-ups. I leave our retreat renewed as if my soul has just been given a long shower with lots of scrubbing.

It sounds wonderful, doesn’t it? Wouldn’t it be great to have more of those types of relationships? I agree it would, but the key to building those deep friendships comes down to one thing: T-I-M-E. We’ve been meeting together, praying together, and investing our hearts for fifteen years. In addition to our in-the-flesh retreats, we also have an email prayer group where we share everything from light-hearted moments to gut-wrenching conflicts. But our ability to share with open hearts only came after years of being real and building trust. Our ability to share the deep things in 2023 only happened because we were able to share the not-so-deep things in 2003, 2007, 2011, 2017, and all the other years!

Isn’t that how things work in so many areas of our lives? We get out of it what we put into it. When I first started attending this novelist retreat I had no idea what it would become, but I’m thankful. It’s also a reminder to invest in others. The wonderful thing is, when I give of myself to other trusted friends, I can experience other deep relationships, too.

Perhaps reading this message leaves an ache in your heart because you wish you had friendships like this. I encourage you today to just do one thing: reach out to another person today—someone you trust and want to get to know better. Then, reach out to her tomorrow and the next day. Take time to invest.

In our lives we can get busy with so many things, but let’s not forget the people God’s placed around us. My life is different because of the friendships I’ve built, and I can see now that every moment given to drawing closer to trusted friends has been worth it.

A few novels from Plot, Play, and Pray:

A Bridge to Haven by Francine Rivers
A Note Yet Unsung by Tamera Alexander
Love Without End by Robin Lee Hatcher
Fatal Vendetta by Sharon Dunn
Vain Empires by Brandilyn Collins
Arms of Deliverance by Tricia Goyer

January 4, 2018 by Tricia Goyer Leave a Comment

YOU can be the answer to the race problem

Did you know YOU can be the answer to the race problem. Don’t think we don’t have a race problem in the US? Maybe your thoughts would change if you talked to someone different than you. Or maybe you know there is a problem, but you don’t know what to do to help. I hope this post helps you

YOU can be the Answer to the Race Problem

There are many ways you can build friendships and connect with others across ethnic and cultural lines. Here are seven ways you can be the answer to the race problem, taken from my book Walk It Out.

Ask God to change your heart. Pray and ask that He helps you see the joy of unity and diversity in relationships. Ask Him to help you notice.
Get to know your neighbors. My neighbor Tracey is much better at this than I am. She owns a boxer and walks him in the morning and at night. As she walks, she stops and talks to people also out walking or who are working in their yards. She knows people all around our neighborhood, and she’s been key in bringing people together.

Who lives in your community? Who is being included and who is being excluded? Whose voices are loud, and whose voices are silent? What are their challenges? What are their needs? Who might you take a step toward to build or grow a friendship? Can you invite someone into your home or join a new friend in an activity you both enjoy?

Reach out to your local college or university. Every year in the United States over one million international students come to study here. They attend small community colleges and large universities and often struggle to connect with people beyond their campuses.

According to one study, 40 percent of students report they have no close American friends. A statistic I’ve often heard quoted says that 80 to 90 percent of international students visiting the United States never enter an American home. The world is coming to our door, and we’re ignoring it.

YOU can be the Answer to the Race Problem

Connect with a coworker. Do you have a coworker whose race or cultural background differs from yours? Go out of your way to open up conversations and build a friendship.
Host an exchange student. Our family hosted an exchange student from the Czech Republic the year after our first mission trip there. She lived in our home for nine months, during the school year. Andrea is forever considered one of our kids, and our family learned so much about her life and culture during her stay with us.
Build family relationships with the families of kids on your child’s sports team or in their school. Make an effort to reach out to families whose children have similar ages and hobbies as yours. Most children naturally look beyond race and culture when making friends, and we should follow their example.
Try to understand another’s history. See your new friend as an individual and not a stereotype. And even if you mess up and commit a cultural faux pas, the relationship you’ve created will make it easier for both of you to laugh off your mistakes. One of my favorite books of recent years was The Warmth of Other Suns by Isabel Wilkerson. This book chronicles the decades-long migration of black citizens who fled the South for northern and western cities, in search of a better life. The stories shared were lovely, heartbreaking, and shocking.

YOU can be the Answer to the Race Problem

Reading books like this have helped me understand the race problem, the injustice, and fear in my community and my country. The race and socio-economic issues in the news today didn’t happen overnight. Instead, they are old issues that society has pushed under the surface for too long. Laws or government programs won’t fix race problems. They will only be solved by individual people changing and asking God to show them His heart. When our awareness of God’s heart for diversity and unity expands, we realize reconciliation is not someone else’s problem, but ours.

Unity within the body of Christ—and within our communities—isn’t something to tack on; it must become who we are. And what happens when we make this a priority? We become light to a dark world. A world that since the beginning of recorded history has been divided by race and social status.

Purchase a copy of Walk It Out. Awareness is the first step toward solving the problem.

Eight ways you can be the answer to the race problem from @TriciaGoyer

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August 1, 2017 by Tricia Goyer Leave a Comment

God’s Grace and Getting Rid of Stinking Thinking

As I type this note I’m heading back from the 15th annual Plot, Play, Pray retreat that I attend every year with a group of Christian novelists that I consider some of my dearest friends. Every year at the retreat we each go around and share deeper what’s been happening in our lives throughout the year. As I was thinking about this I realized that overall it’s been a year of comfy clothes, naps and God’s grace. Mostly it’s been a year of my getting rid of stinking thinking.

If you follow me at all on social media—or through my notes to you—you know I get a lot done. I homeschool seven kids, care for my family, lead a Teen Mom support group, travel, speak and write books. What you can’t see is how I do these things. There are two ways—with tension and stress and with rest, grace, and peace. Before this year it’s been the former (ie lots of stress!)

With each adoption things have gotten busier, but the last adoption—inviting four older girls into our hearts and family—was the biggest challenge. There was a lot of behavioral issues to deal with. And there was a lot more mess. I felt as if I could never get close to getting to the end of my to-do list. And even though outwardly I attempted not to let everyone in my home see my stress it was hard to do. I mumbled to myself. I nagged at the kids. I trudged through every task not feeling a sense of accomplishment because there was seventy-five additional tasks waiting.

Then I did something smart. I asked for help. I hired my friend Alice Crider as a life coach. I also went through Dr. Caroline Leaf’s online class The 28-Day Detox. I learned something valuable with these two things. It was my stinking thinking that was the trouble. Why did I think I had to do it all today? Why was I placing my value on a clean house and well-behaved kids? Why did I feel as if God loved me more when I accomplished more? (This last one is a big one.)

Over months I learned to lean into God’s grace. I would actually tell myself, “God loves me just as much when I have an overflowing laundry room than when I’m all caught up.” I learned to release a soft sigh and thank God as I picked up twelve pairs of shoes from the living room. After all, all the work was because God had blessed our family with seven additional kids. I also allowed myself to wear comfy clothes and take naps when I needed them. I made time to chat with friends on the phone. I again started reading novels just for fun.

I also started cutting down on my to-do list. I’d pick just a few most important things to do that day, and I’d rejoice in just accomplishing those. I learned to give myself grace and give grace to my family too. Instead of feeling frustrated, I gave my kids more chores and taught them how to clean up and care for their things. I also chose to organize one small area of my home each day. Yes, there were eleven people in our home, but it’s amazing how these small organizing tasks added up to a much more efficient home.

After this year my house is a lot more organized and clean than it was a year ago, and it didn’t come from fretting, yelling, and stressing myself out. Instead, it came out of a thankful, grateful heart and mind. I notice a difference, and I know my family does too.

Do you need to get rid of stinking thinking? I highly recommend the resources I mentioned above. But if you can’t afford a life coach or a course don’t worry. You can tackle the stinking thinking yourself. Whenever you have a negative thought toward yourself, your family, your to-do list, your work or your house, write in down. Then take that negative thought before God. Go to His Word. How does He see the situation? Allow His sweet spirit to speak to your heart.

Also, if you need more help in creating white space in your life and focusing your mind and heart, considering picking up a copy of my book Balanced: Finding Center As A Work-at-Home Mom. Even if you aren’t a work-at-home mom, I know you’ll find ideas and help.

If you want to learn more about our adoption, here’s a video that gives a glimpse into that.

And, because you’re a friend, I have a few things I’d like help with, too. (See, I’m learning to ask!) If you knowing someone who is homeschooling, or who wants to homeschool the future, let them know about a new book that I wrote with my friend Kristi Clover: Homeschool Basics. It provides wonderful encouragement whether you’ve been homeschooling twenty days or twenty years.

One of the greatest joys in my life was helping to start Hope Pregnancy Center in Kalispell, Montana in 2000. Click here to read about what is happening with that center now. God is doing so many amazing things!

Out of 93 worthy organizations, they are in the top five for World Magazine’s 2017 Hope Awards.

If they are the winner they will receive $15,000 for the center! I’d love for you to vote and spread the word! Click here to vote!

Oh, and if you want a glimpse into the craziness of our Plot, Play and Pray retreat, here’s a link to our Facebook Live.

Thank you, friend, for all the ways you support me. I’m thankful for you. I’m thankful God connected us. I pray that God will help you in every area that you deal with stinking thinking. My hope is that You’ll fully understand God’s grace and lean into it for yourself and others.

A fun opportunity!

Want to know how to find your life’s purpose? God has a dream for you and He wants you to live it! Find out HOW to discover your purpose and accomplish your dreams. Get your FREE ticket to an interview series featuring 21 best-selling authors, sought after speakers, entrepreneurs and ministers, all of whom are living a life full of purpose and want to show YOU how to do the same!

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Disclosure of Material Connection: Some of the links in the post above are “affiliate links.” This means if you click on the link and purchase the item, I will receive an affiliate commission. Regardless, I only recommend products or services I use personally and believe will add value to my readers. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255: “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”

November 8, 2013 by Tricia Goyer 1 Comment

Lead Your Family Like Jesus DVD Curriculum: Sneak Peek

If you’re going to be my friend, you need to know a few things.

I remember everything. For example like the story my friend Marie told me about her first week of dating, and how she was hospitalized, and how her not-yet boyfriend took care of her while she had the flu. Stories like that make it into my books.
I confess my shortcomings . . . and sometimes yours. For example I’ve written often about how I kept arm’s distance from a woman named Tara because I thought I couldn’t compare with her. She did the same with me, until we finally got together . . . then we became best friends.
I might ask you to come on one of my research trips as a nanny. Right, Twyla? What we hadn’t counted on is my baby having the flu!
Or I might just ask you to spill your guts on the camera for video curriculum from Lead Your Family Like Jesus. I recently asked some friends to do that. We filmed one Saturday in MY HOME. Yes, that is a glimpse of my real life house in the background of these photos. It was a fun day! Here are a few of those who said yes.

It can be WONDERFULLY dangerous to be my friend! You never know what I’ll drag you into. But I AM so thankful for what God enables me to do. I’m also thankful that God has given me awesome friends to join me!!

Be careful being @TriciaGoyer’s friend. You might just end up as book material!

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Mark your calendars and watch for the Lead Your Family Like Jesus DVD curriculum and participants guide to be released January 1, 2014! It’s a great series for small groups and Sunday classes. Add it onto your schedule for the new year!

Coming soon to a bookshelf near you: the DVD curriculum for #LeadLikeJesus. @TriciaGoyer

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August 3, 2013 by Tricia Goyer Leave a Comment

How to Be “Involved” In Ways That Really Matter

How to be involved in things that really matter — What REALLY matters to you?

Have you ever heard this saying by Theodore Roosevelt: “Nobody cares how much you know, until they know how much you care”? Caring takes involvement. Caring takes being present.
We are involved in a lot of things today, but how much time do we take to be involved with people . . . really involved?

How many minutes did you spend on Facebook or email yesterday, compared to having a face-to-face conversation? It’s easy to send out 140-character tweets. It’s harder to really listen and cry with a friend.

It’s easy to send out 140-character tweets. It’s harder to really listen and cry with a friend.

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Caring for God—loving Him—takes involvement too. It’s easy to listen to Christian music about God, to talk about God, or even to write about God’s goodness without allowing Him to fill us and impact every part of our lives. God is waiting for us to come to Him and be still before Him, yet instead we dance around the outskirts of the relationship, trying to make Him notice us.

Is this you? Sometimes it’s me. If so, we need to remember that we’re not fooling anyone. People know (our kids especially) when we’re really tuned in. Jesus knows what’s needed in our hearts.

“Jesus had a way of helping people see the condition of their hearts,” says Henry Blackaby. “He said, ‘These people draw hear to Me with their mouths, and honor Me with their lips, but their heart is far from me’ (Matt. 15:8) . . . If you want to know if you are responding to God with your head or your heart, look to see what is coming out of your life.”

What is coming out of the relationships in your life: deep connections or surface friendships? What’s coming out of your relationship with God?

Read more of this post at Allume!

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August 1, 2013 by Tricia Goyer 3 Comments

Friendships: How You And Your Spouse Can Find Friends Together

Does this sound familiar?

WIFE: “Honey, I think we should get to know some other couples. Wouldn’t that be fun?”
HUSBAND: “Maybe someone from church or the office?”
WIFE: “That’s what I was thinking. Why don’t we start with Mike and Lisa?”
HUSBAND: “Lisa is your friend, but Mike and I have nothing in common.” (Mental thought: Mike’s a bit strange, he doesn’t even like football.) “How about the
Palmers?” (Mental thought: Jack likes football.)
WIFE: “I don’t have much in common with—what’s her name—Janine Palmer.” (Mental thought: The Palmer’s have a housekeeper and big house on the river. My place just doesn’t compare.)
HUSBAND: “Perhaps we should invite that new couple in the church, the Jacobsons.”
BOTH: “No, they have seven kids!”

End of conversation.

It happens all the time. Couples want couple-friends—people they can laugh, share, and do activities with. But moving from acquaintances to actual friends can be an arduous journey. As in the example of the couple above, the hardest part is finding other couples who share your common values yet are also fun to be with.

Where do couples begin their search for other couple-friends? http://bit.ly/18NjMCE

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Where do couples begin their search for other couple-friends? And how can they fit all the aspects of developing new relationships into their already busy lives?

WHO DO YOU INVITE?

There are couples all around you—at church, work, and in your neighborhood. The first step is choosing who you want to get to know.

Take A Look Around: Make a mental or written list with of several couples you’d both like to know better, giving each spouse a few individual picks.
Beyond Your Comfort Zone: “While it is helpful to look for friends who share common goals and beliefs, be open to those with different backgrounds and lifestyles,” says Colleen Evens, co-author of Can I Afford Time for Friendships? (Stormie Omartian, Ruth Senter, Colleen Evans, Bethany House, 1994, pg. 176) “Cross the line—don’t look for a couple that’s a clone of you two. When a couple is different from you, the result can often be a very rich, fun, and stretching relationship.”
Get To Know More Than One Couple: As a couple, you have various interests that will never completely match up with another couple. A variety of friends will complement your likes and introduce you and your spouse to new hobbies and interests.
Much Hope and Few Expectations: “Don’t be discouraged when couple friendships don’t come quickly or easily,” says Evans. “Keep in mind they are much more difficult because of the added number of people involved in the relationship. Setting your expectations too high by saying ‘we must have a couple friendship’ only creates stress. Instead, when the opportunities arise, let a friendship flow.”

YOU’VE INVITED THEM, NOW WHAT DO YOU DO?

It can be intimidating when you first spend time with people you don’t know well. But whether you invite them into your home or suggest an alternative meeting spot, here are suggestions to make the most of your time together.

Be Yourselves: Don’t worry about making a good impression. Relax, have fun, and enjoy. Plan ahead so awkward silences don’t sneak up on you. Have board games, videos, or an activity prepared in case your time together needs a little pizzazz.
Offer an Inviting Home: Be willing to open your home, even if it isn’t spotless. If you can’t afford steaks for dinner, barbecue hot dogs. Or go simpler with a dessert invitation.
Away From Home: Often the easiest place to meet is at a restaurant or neutral area. If you ask a couple or two out for a meal, don’t feel you must pick-up the bill. Invite by saying, “We’ve been wanting to get to know you better; perhaps we could meet at a restaurant this week. What’s a place within our budgets?”
Even Farther Away: Camping trips, weekends away, or a couples’ conference are enjoyable ways to develop a deeper friendship and build shared memories.

WHY DO COUPLES NEED COUPLE-FRIENDS?

“Often we get so caught up in our own drive to succeed and accomplish that we neglect our human relationships and it is these relationships that can give us the most depth and meaning,” says Janet Luhrs, in her book The Simple Living Guide (Broadway Books, 1997, Pg. 133). “In order to nurture other people, we need to be fully present and, better yet, fully real. When we let down our guard, we can get closer to people, and thus, we can move into a relationship of deeper care.”

Reaching out to other couples may also strengthen your own marriage.

“Couple friendships are not only possible, they are God’s gift to marriages,” says Stormie Omartian, co-author with Evans. “Some of the women I consider my closest friends are the wives of men whom my husband considers his closest friends. Spending time together as a foursome is not only fulfilling and enriching, but our marriage is better because of it.”

The most rewarding thing about couple-friends is that the relationships you initiate with a simple invitation can grow and deepen over time. The friends you meet at the park today, with their kids in tow, may someday drive their motor home behind yours as you travel as retirees. This is the power of couple-friends, not just good times, but close bonds and enriched lives—for you, your spouse, and the couple you reach out to.

What about you? How do you make couple-friends?

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