guilt

August 21, 2023 by Tricia Goyer 2 Comments

God is Not Punishing You For Your Past Sins

Do you feel that God is punishing you for your past sins? I used to feel the same way. Read on to see how the Lord taught me differently.

God is Not Punishing You For Your Past Sins

The other day I was mindlessly scrolling my Facebook feed when a headline caught my eye: “Toni Braxton Once Believed God Gave Her Son Autism Because Of Her Past Abortion.” My heart clenched as I read that—not only because of Toni’s pain and shame, but because of my own.

As a fifteen-year-old young woman, I found myself pregnant.

Overwhelmed with despair and seeking advice, I went to a Planned Parenthood clinic. The “counselor” looked across the table and focused on my eyes. “You’re young. You have your whole life ahead of you. An abortion is the best choice.”

“But . . . what about the baby?” I’d asked.

“It’s not a baby,” she told me. “Right now it’s just a few cells. The doctor’s just scraping them out.”

I bought into her lie and I scheduled an abortion, even though deep down, I knew it was a baby. I knew if I didn’t intervene, I’d be holding a child in my arms in seven months. And that scared me, too.

Later, I was horrified to find out that not only did those “few cells” have a beating heart, but little arms and legs and lips and tiny ears. Knowing that, the shame pressed down even more and I walked through life feeling numb, unable to face the truth of my decision.

Then I found myself pregnant again at age seventeen.

This time I was determined to carry my child. (I found out later that many young women who’ve had an abortion have another baby within a few years. It’s an “atonement child” of sorts.)

It was during this second pregnancy that I turned my life over to God. I prayed, “God, if you can do anything with my life, please do.” God has done amazing things. He gave me a beautiful son, and later brought me a wonderful Christian husband. Everything was going well in my life, but I still was ashamed of my past. Few people knew about my abortion, and I was sure they’d hate me if they found out.

A few years after John and I were married, I found out I was pregnant. I was so excited to have a baby with my husband. Finally, I’m doing things right. Yet a couple of months later I woke up in a pool of blood, and I knew two things:

First, I’d lost my baby.

And second, God was punishing me for my past sins, for my abortion.

Looking back, my heart aches for the young me, a woman who still didn’t understand God’s complete forgiveness. I saw God as a stern judge who was weighing all my deeds and found me wanting.

For years I felt my abortion was too much for God to forgive. I had a hard time forgiving myself. It was only when I attended a Bible study and worked through the book Forgiven and Set Free that I realized Jesus’ death covered all my sins. Who was I to say my sin was greater than His sacrifice?

The freedom I’m walking in today comes from understanding who God is. My sin was horrible, yes. I’ll always regret not having that child, discovering who he or she is, and spending this life together. Yet, I’m thankful for the eternity to come. I’m thankful that in God’s eyes I stand clean before Him, as white as snow.

God is not a God who is punishing you for your past sins!

There are natural consequences for our sins—pain and shame and regret were some of the consequences I faced—yet God offers forgiveness and grace. These are not dependent on who we are but on who He is.

As Romans 8:1-2 says, “So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus. And because you belong to him, the power of the life-giving Spirit has freed you from the power of sin that leads to death.”

Maybe you’re like me. Maybe you are carrying around the pain and shame from past sin. And maybe you’re thinking God is punishing you for your past sins. If so, then do two things:

In your mind’s eye, go back to that moment of your sin. See your sin, and then look to your right hand. Picture Jesus standing there. There’s isn’t a look of anger in his gaze, but one of compassion. He is there waiting for you to turn to Him and find Him so you’ll have real, abundant life. He’s been there all along, and He’s waiting for you to give Him your whole heart.
Picture Jesus on the cross. See Him there. Know His sacrifice is enough. Pray and thank Him for that.

My prayer for you today, friend, is that you will find freedom in Jesus Christ that you’ve never known before. I pray you will begin to understand the breadth and length and height and depth of God’s love – not only for mankind but also for you. Trust Him in that; discover that truth for yourself today.

It’s my prayer for Toni Braxton, too. That Jesus will meet her wherever she is, just as He met me.

Have you met with Jesus? I would love to talk with you!

~Tricia

Further Resources:

Women often pack their lives with family, friends, and faithful service, yet still end up feeling empty and unfulfilled. In Walk It Out, Tricia Goyer demonstrates to women that walking out the mandates of Scripture allows God to spark passion and mission within them.

Whether believers realize it or not, God intended for them to do what the Bible says: adopt the orphan, take the gospel into all the world, and care for the needy. These are mandates that point believers down the path of true living and eternal life.

Sometimes those steps are easy, but many times they require a move outside of what feels safe or secure. When women stop focusing on their own dreams and purposes, and instead focus on God’s dreams and purposes, everything changes. Go to: Walk It Out

June 16, 2016 by Tricia Goyer Leave a Comment

How to Survive God Seeing Your Everything {by Christy Fitzwater}

The table was kind of full, so I slid down against the wall and invited little girls to come say their Bible verses to me on the floor. “Can you help me learn this verse?” asked one girl, after she plopped down next to me.

“Of course,” I said. “Well, the first place to start is to make sure you really understand the verse. That makes it a lot easier to remember.”

So we read Psalm 139:2:

You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.

“This verse is talking about you, too.” I said. “Did you know God knows that you’re sitting here in Awana right now? And he knows when you get up? He knows what you’re thinking?”

“And,” she said, “He knows when I read a book under the covers with a flashlight until midnight?”

“You do not!” I said, feigning a horrified expression. (She didn’t know anything about my personal life, and I chose to keep it at that.) “Does your mom know you read half the night?”

“No,” she said. Her turn at horrified. “You won’t tell her, will you?” I raised my eyebrows in a light-hearted threat. We had a good laugh, and probably she could sense we were kindred spirits. I was the one who grew up saying, “Please, just one more chapter?” And do you think that librarian mom of mine had much of a backbone in that situation?

I went home thinking about the book I had just published: Blameless: Living a Life Free from Guilt And Shame. Every chapter in this book is my confession of life under the covers with a flashlight, hoping no one would see. I have written about the places in my life where I know I’ve done things wrong, and I’ve wished no one could see and especially God.

But there stands Psalm 139:2 in front of me and in front of you. God does see. He sees everything, even the stuff our moms don’t know about. And what do we do with the guilt of these hidden sins?

That’s where the word “blameless” comes in. It’s a powerful word, and one day I discovered that this has always been God’s intention for us. Yes, he sees everything, but he also forgives everything. More than that, he helps make us better women, one day at a time, so that we no longer have to grab a flashlight and hide ourselves under the covers. He cleans us up and makes us new, so that we don’t have to feel guilty or ashamed anymore.

So what are you trying to hide from God? Will you get comfortable with the fact that he sees when you sit down and when you get up? He knows everything, including every guilty thought you’ve ever had, and he still loves you. He is waiting to make you blameless.

{Christy Fitzwater}

Christy Fitzwater is a pastor’s wife living at the foot of Glacier National Park, in Kalispell, Montana. She and her husband have raised a son and daughter, and they are now enjoying a life of impulsive dating and sharing the good news of Christ together. As a Bible teacher and writer for two decades, Christy works to help people know and understand who God is. Find her devotional writing and Bible-teaching newsletters at christyfitzwater.com.

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May 29, 2014 by Tricia Goyer 1 Comment

In-To-Me-See | 7 Ways to Be Transparent in Marriage

In-To-Me-See

7 Ways to Be Transparent in Marriage

Overall, I would say intimacy is one of my biggest struggles in our marriage. Even before last year I felt as if I had a whole separate part of me, deep inside, that John knew nothing about. I would share my feelings, as long as they didn’t bring up conflict (or even if I thought they had the smallest chance of causing conflict). It was easier for me to put on a happy face, than to pour out my heart—it still is. Intimacy is something that’s great to talk about, but it’s hard to do.

Intimacy is something that’s great to talk about, but it’s hard to do @TriciaGoyer

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Couples choose to marry because we want a heart-connection with one other person for life. That’s why I married John. But it’s hard to make a connection when my heart is surrounded by a solid, brick wall.

One definition of intimacy that I’ve heard, and I have used in my writing, is: “In-To-Me-See.” But this is only possible when there is transparency between spouses—including sharing the truth about past conflicts, pain from former relationships, and personal struggles (both past and present).

I resisted transparency, even after sixteen years of marriage, in part because I was afraid to let John know how sinful I really am. I was sure he’d hate me (although I don’t know why I thought that) if he knew all my wild high school years involved. Or if he knew my current day-by-day struggles.

Over the years, it was easier to keep things to myself than to risk seeing disappointment or pain in my husband’s gaze. And, I realize now, even though I’ve been in a committed relationship from the time I was eighteen, I feared love. (Or every example I saw love to be.) I witnessed what it did to my own parents. I felt what it did with every other past relationship.

And over time I’ve worked to reveal myself to John, layer by layer. It’s a process, but I’m seeing the difference it makes on our level of intimacy. I feel loved after I bear all, and as I witness love in my husband’s gaze.

The following steps helped me peel away the layers:

Understand that your wall of protection is a coping mechanism. God created us with the ability to cope. Yet, now that I was nearly two-decades into a loving, committed relationship, my fear was a coping mechanism I no longer needed. After all, my issues and insecurities came B.C. (before Christ) and before John.
Let go of your guilt. Guilt never helped me connect. In fact, it just pushed me further from a resolution. Instead, I started looking ahead to the hope and freedom found in connecting with my spouse.
Pinpoint where your fear is coming from. We have an enemy of our souls who will use anything he can to keep us disconnected from God and from our spouses. I chose to believe God’s promise that He is not a God of fear but of power and a sound mind!
Know that God could help. The closer I grew to God, the more I understood the barriers I’d erected around my heart. Yet God did not leave me to tear them down alone, but worked within me as only He can.
Surrender your fear. As Abbas said, we can ask God to “help us connect the dots from our head to our heart.” I didn’t want to let down my guard, so I prayed God would help me release my fear—help me to engage. In return, God answered my prayers by softening all the hard parts of my soul.
Pray with your spouse. During the time I struggled to let John into my inner recesses, I discovered I wasn’t the only one praying. My husband also prayed for God to show me His love through John. He prayed that his responses would be ones that would draw us closer and make me more comfortable with intimacy in marriage.
Simply talk. And though I felt God’s strength to open myself up more and more to John—not keeping my internal life separate from the external one—it wasn’t easy. One thing that helped the most was to talk in the dark of our bedroom, staring at the black ceiling. It also helped John to know I didn’t expect him to give me a response, or solve anything—simply feeling him by my side was enough . . . followed by his embrace and whispered affection when I was through spilling my guts.

Do you have ways that help you to open up your heart?

@TriciaGoyer shares 7 ways to be transparent in marriage

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Daily Prayer

Dear Heavenly Father,

I know that despite my failures and imperfections, you still love and forgive me. Help me hold onto that knowledge and let go of my guilt. Give me the courage to be honest with my husband, so we can continue grow closer together. And help me extend the same grace and forgiveness you’ve show me in my own marriage.

In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Resources You Might Like:

Generation NeXt Marriage by Tricia Goyer
Sheet Music: Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage by Kevin Leman

I have a few books on sale right now! Generation NeXt Marriage is $2.99. You can also get my four World War II novels in the Liberators Series for $13.99.

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September 24, 2013 by Tricia Goyer 1 Comment

Healthy Guilt Versus False Guilt

Healthy guilt is conviction from God in order for you to make a change in your life. For example, if you feel guilty every time the offering plate is passed around at church (because you haven’t been contributing lately), that guilt is most likely a nudge from the Holy Spirit that you need to make a change.

More common is false guilt. False guilt is the little voice in your head that is quick to point out the many areas in which you are coming short—some of which are even beyond your control! Such as the fact you didn’t bring homemade cookies to your child’s class, or forget to call your brother on his birthday, or the guilt that the yard looks the worst on the block (despite the fact your lawn mower broke). How easy it is to tag ourselves with the worst parent, worst sibling, worst neighbor award!

Do you feel you deserve the worst parent award? Evaluate your guilt. @TriciaGoyer

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Whether your guilt is healthy or false, consider it a warning signal that there is an issue in your life that needs to be addressed. Sometimes self-evaluation will lead to change. Other times it may lead us to our knees where we can turn our unfulfilled desires or unrealistic expectations over to God.

Where do you stand on the guilt-meter? Take this test. @TriciaGoyer

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To see where you stand on the guilt-meter, get a piece of paper and list five things you feel guilty about. Then . . . take time to consider these questions:

Should these things make me feel guilty?
Do I need make a different plan or hit my knees?
How does God view this issue?
What does His word say about it?

Then listen up.

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