how to transform your parenting Archives

I never considered myself a leader.

I was just a mom of three kids under the age of five. I wasn’t more than a kid myself (twenty-two years old) when my third child was born. Part of a small church launch, a children’s church leader was needed. My best friend and I signed up. We had $0 for a budget so we had a simple plan. We taught the kids songs. We read them Bible stories. We helped them to memorize Scripture.

I remember the joy I felt one Sunday we led a dozen little kids to the front of the church to recite Psalm 100. “Shout for joy to the LORD, all the earth. Worship the LORD with gladness; come before him with joyful songs,” squeaky, little voices said in unison.

I replayed that event in my mind over the coming days. I was helping to input God’s word into young minds and hearts. It was a good feeling. It was only later—as my children grew (and we added on three more kids)—that I realized that even greater than my influence in children’s church was my influence at home. In children’s church I had to prepare for two hours of teaching. At home, the leading and teaching never stopped. The older the kids got, the more training was required.

Did I really sign up for this? How will I ever succeed?

Born to a single mom, and raised in a home where she ruled the roost, the model I followed was one of Mom Knows Best. Yet often I didn’t know best. I didn’t act best. As the months and years passed I was ineffective, unproductive, and overwhelmed. I needed help!

The amazing thing was that help was there, waiting. I wasn’t a single parent—God had given me a wonderful husband and life partner, John. In fact, I’d soon discovered that “family” started with John and me. The kids, in fact, were welcome members who would pass through our home into lives of their own.

More than that, John and I had Jesus.

Jesus and parenting. Jesus and marriage . . . what a concept!

What do you think of when you see these two phrases? Do they make you uneasy? Do those two sentences scream 948 ways you’ve failed? They did that to me. Through my growing up years church was a “Sunday” thing. And if we look around, our culture has perfected the art of drawing lines and keeping our spiritual lives separate from our daily duties. Faith happens on a church pew or during a 10-minute morning devotional reading, right? Or does it?

John: Tricia was only seventeen years old when we met. I was twenty-two. Though our ages were less than five years apart, we came from completely different worlds. I grew up in a solid Christian family. My parents were firm, yet loving. I saw a clear role of leadership in my father (from police officer to pastor, throughout the years). After high school, I joined the Marine Corps and quickly moved through the ranks to become a corporal in less than two years. Before leaving the Marines, I was a leader of men—men who were disciplined (most of the time) and knew who they were . . . and then I got married.

When I “met” Tricia, her newborn son’s age was still measured in hours. He was born earlier that same day. Sure, I knew of her in church, but until that day, we had never really talked before, other than in passing (the usual church greetings: shake hands and a “hearty welcome”). What started as a conversation on the day of her son’s birth quickly grew into something much more.

In less than a year, we were married. Instant family, just add a ring . . . conflict would come a little later.

In the next few years, we quickly enjoyed the addition of two more children. Before I knew it, I was the leader of a family of five, yet I was barely twenty-seven years old. I knew how to lead men, but I did not know how to lead this family.

I tried to make the best decisions I could, but I always had a nagging fear I was not leading like my ultimate role model—Jesus. I always had a feeling that I would be leading and, one day look back, to find no one following. After all, a leader is often judged by the actions of his followers. What would this family, which God had entrusted to me, end up looking like? I looked to Jesus, trusting He’d guide me as I figured it out.

Tricia: Looking back John and I had a lot of challenges, but thankfully we had Jesus who was there every step of the way. In our twenty-three years of our marriage, we’ve led kids, led children’s church, led mission teams, and led organizations and ministries. We didn’t start out as great leaders, but God has grown us to become better at leading, as we do so with a servant’s heart.

Do you want to grow into an effective leader in your home, church, and community?

This will only happen as you surrender all of your life (yes, even your family life!) to Him. In fact, if we could sum up this “secret” it would be found here:

“Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.” Proverbs 3:5-6

There is one phrase that is especially important: “in all your ways acknowledge him.” Not “in all your ways except parenting and marriage and family life,” but “all your ways.”

If you dig into the Bible, Jesus is clear about how He wants us to lead: He asks us to make a difference in our world, in our families, church, and community by being an effective servant leader. It all starts by understanding the ways you are weak . . . and turning to Jesus to be strong.

You may not consider yourself a leader, but Jesus wants to be a strong leader in your world—through you.

You can transform your parenting. There are tons of books and blogs that teach us how to be good parents, but it’s really very simple. Being a good parent can start by changing a few habits. Don’t believe me? Take the test. Try one of these simple habits every day throughout the next five days, and watch how it transforms your family and your home! I challenge you!

1. Smile.

When we smile at our children it’s showing them love and acceptance. Our smile eases our children’s worries. Our smile calms them. Our smile breaks down walls, causing them to open up to us. Our smile shows our children they are accepted and loved.

Day One Challenge: Make a point to smile at your child whenever you make eye contact. Let your smile greet your children at the start of the day, and meet them throughout it.

2. Speak softly.

You may have seen this phenomenon before . . . the louder you get, the louder your kids get. Or maybe your kids are already loud and you have to raise your voice to speak over them. What to do instead? Speak softly. Whether it is asking your child about what he wants for breakfast or asking him to take his muddy cleats out of the living room, approach him, lean in, and speak low and soft. Your child will often respond in the same and will be much more likely to follow your request.

Day Two Challenge: Whenever the volume in your house rises, lower yours. Also, ask requests in a soft and low voice.

3. Say exactly what you mean.

I’m the queen of what my husband calls “beat around the bush.” Instead of saying, “Please pick up your puzzle,” I ask, “Who left this puzzle on the table? Is this where you’re supposed to leave it?” Also, for some reason, it feels nicer when I say, “Why don’t you go clean your bedroom?” instead of, “Please pick up all your toys in your room.” But beating around the bush usually backfires. My kids don’t believe I’m serious about my request. Instead, I’m learning to give direct commands—in a nice way, of course—and no one has to question what I’m really saying or if I really mean it.

Day Three Challenge: Say exactly what you mean when speaking to your children or giving a request. Don’t beat around the bush. Be as specific as possible.

4. Solicit help.

Somewhere along my marriage and parenting journey, I got the idea that if people just see I need help, they’ll offer it. First, my family members are often too much in their own zones to even see I’m slaving away in the kitchen. Second, they can’t read my mind and can’t read the body language of me slamming pots in the sink. Instead, I’ve discovered asking for help really works—and the more specific the request, the better. “Please use this cleaner and towels and wipe down the table.” And, if you need help with more than one thing, list exactly what you need so older kids know the exact help you need. “I need you to do three things for me: feed the dog, change his water, and then wipe up any mess when you’re done.”

Day Four Challenge: Ask for help when it is needed. Don’t play the martyr. Be specific with the type of help you need. Finally, number your requests to make it easier for kids to follow.

5. Surrender your idea of who your kids should be.

Before my kids were born I had an expectation of what parenting would look like and how my kids would be. One of my greatest struggles has been trying to fit my kids into my ideal, instead of discovering my children’s unique personality, talents, and struggles. When I embrace my children—just as they are—I’m able to better understand how to train up each unique child.

Day Five Challenge: Sit down and write out each of your children’s strengths and weaknesses. Then write down what you can do to help develop those strengths and combat the weaknesses. If your child is old enough, discuss these things with them. Choose one area to work on a week and praise change!

I’m excited to hear how these super simple habits work for you. Let me know if you’re taking the challenge, and then report in each day to let me know how it’s going! I can’t wait to hear about the transformation in your parenting and in your home!

Want to transform your parenting? Take @TriciaGoyer’s 5-day challenge!

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Leadership in the Home