husbands Archives - Tricia Goyer

Mikaela Mathews, owner of The Tabitha Shop, shares four ways you can intentionally start a solid marriage even in the midst of planning a wedding.

You’ve got a ring on your finger and about a thousand to-do’s on your list. You must be engaged.

When I got married almost a decade ago, my now-husband and I opted to do our engagement as quickly as possible. In three months, we moved, got new jobs, bought a house, started seminary, and planned a wedding.

As you can imagine with all that stress, it got a little rough. But one thing we wanted more than anything in that season was not just to create a gorgeous wedding (although that was really fun), but to start a healthy marriage. Through wise people who had been there before, we learned that didn’t happen by accident. Happy, healthy marriages were built on one intentional decision after another.

Here are four ways you can intentionally start a solid, Christ-centered marriage even in the midst of planning a wedding:

1. Spend time with Jesus.

John 15:5 says, “I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.” If you want love, joy, and peace in your future marriage, the first step is to spend time with Jesus. From Him, you can produce that fruit. It might seem impossible in this season of wedding planning to carve out time for a perfect, Instagram-worthy devotional. But, that’s not what Jesus is asking us to do. He just wants us to spend time with Him: read, meditate, and memorize His word. Talk to Him in prayer. It doesn’t have to be perfect. Just start where you are today.

2. Do premarital counseling.

For a few months in college, I studied abroad in New Zealand. While there, I got the bold and daring idea to jump out of a perfectly good plane strapped to a stranger. It was thrilling to drop out of that aluminum structure at 12,000 feet above the earth and admire the wild landscape from above. But in order to do that, I had to receive instruction first. I had to be told what would happen, how to respond in an emergency, and how to hold my head and body while we jumped. I was also warned of what could happen so I had an open door out if I wanted to take it.

Marriage is a lot like skydiving. It’s thrilling and it’s risky. And just like skydiving, you need instruction before you strap yourself to someone else for a wild ride. You need to know what to expect, how to respond in conflict, how to listen well. Knowing these lessons from married veterans will save you years of heartache. Whether it’s one-on-one with another couple or a program at your church, premarital counseling will only help your future marriage.

3. Be in healthy community.

Scripture is wildly clear about this: we need one another (Romans 12:10). We were not created to do life in isolation. This is never more apparent than when you go through a transitional season of life. They can be scary and overwhelming. A healthy community of people help you think through decisions objectively; they come alongside you when you need to cry; and, they gently nudge you in the right direction when you’re going the wrong way.

A church is the best place to find this community. If you’re not a member at one, jump in. If you’ve been meaning to sign up for a small group, now’s the time.

4. Serve.

Marriage has been one of the most sanctifying experiences of my life. It has revealed the depths of my selfishness and pride. But I quickly realized early on that when I stepped out of my own head and treated my husband with respect and fairness, tensions eased and healthy conversations flowed. It was in the pouring of myself out for another’s good that I saw growth.

Serving others before you’re married can cement this glorious principle. See your wedding not as an opportunity to make much of yourself, but as a means to serve others and make God look glorious.

More about The Tabitha Shop

Mikaela is the owner of The Tabitha Shop, selling thank you cards, bridesmaid proposal cards, stationery sets and so much more! She is a self-taught graphic designer who would love nothing more than to design, print, cut, fold, and glue stationery just for you.

Mikaela is a firm believer in the power of gratitude. In 2015, she and her husband flipped their lives upside down. They cut their living space in half and slashed their income to shreds to go in hot pursuit of their dreams. But the path was far from glamorous. After a few months of riding the thrill, Mikaela became overwhelmed and anxious about their future. She let hypothetical “what if’s” run her life, destroying her joy. Her husband suggested writing down one thing every day that I was grateful for. She tried it on March 3, 2016, and hasn’t stopped since. Gratitude changed her. And it’s the heart beat of The Tabitha Shop.

Mikaela’s hope is to help you cultivate gratitude with thank you cards and beautiful stationery. And through donations made from your purchases, they are pouring out gratitude all around the world. A portion of profits are donated to causes that bring hope and dignity to those who need it the most.

Win a Tabitha Shop bundle pack (5 bridesmaid proposal boxes with proposal cards, 5 wedding day cards, and a set of 10 thank you cards — valued $90!)

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Mikaela Mathews has been married to her good-looking man for eight and a half years. She owns The Tabitha Shop, a small wedding stationery shop, that gives back to those in need.

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Where does your husband go for admiration and appreciation? He goes somewhere. All men do. Does he go to work in hopes of hearing “Job well done”? Does he go to the ball field in hopes of hearing “Way to go, man”? Does he go back home to mother to hear “I’m so proud of you, son”? Does he work late hoping for a few compliments from the gals in the office? Does he feast on compliments from patients or clients? Does he hang out at the gym flexing and building his biceps? Tell me, where does your man go to be admired?

In my first job as a dental hygienist, I noticed how the all-female staff, as well as the patients, admired the doctors in the building where I worked. I admired them too! They were a wonderful group of talented men who were gifted and skilled in their chosen profession. As a young woman in my early twenties, I wondered how the doctors’ wives felt about the praise their hubbies received from other women all day long.

Amazingly, a few years later, I had the opportunity to find out for myself. After working for two years, I decided to go back to college. While there I met and married Steve Jaynes, a young dental student. When he started his practice, I remembered the admiring women from the years before, and I made a commitment that of all Steve’s admirers he would have from the day he opened his practice until the day he retired, I was going to be his number one fan! And it wasn’t long before I realized that admiration and appreciation are the golden keys to unlocking his heart.

Dr. Willard Harley, in his book, His Needs Her Needs says:

When a woman tells a man she thinks he’s wonderful, that inspires him to achieve more. He sees himself as capable of handling new responsibilities and perfecting skills far above those of his present level. That inspiration helps him prepare for the responsibilities of life. Admiration not only motivates, it also rewards the husband’s existing achievements. When she tells him that she appreciates him for what he has done, it gives him more satisfaction than he receives from his paycheck. A woman needs to appreciate her husband for what he already is, not for what he could become, if he lived up to her standards. For some men—those with fragile self-images—admiration also helps them believe in themselves.

Without it these men seem inherently more defensive about their shortcomings…While criticism causes men to become defensive, admiration energizes and motivates them. A man expects—and needs—his wife to be his most enthusiastic fan. He draws confidence from her support and can usually achieve far more with her.[i]

If you have been withholding admiring words from your husband, it may feel strange to begin. First and foremost, be authentic—be real. If you contrive admiring words, he’ll be able to tell. Start with one compliment or one word of appreciation. It may be as simple as “thank you” and soon the admiration will begin to flow…hopefully both ways.

Dr. Harley explains the following about your husband’s heart:

Remember that a man really needs appreciation. He thrives on it. Many men who come to me because they have had affairs stress that the admiration of their lovers acted as a warm spring breeze in comparison to the arctic cold of their wives’ criticism. How can they resist? Don’t make your husband go outside your marriage for approval; he needs the perspective your appreciation gives him. That does not mean you have to fake it with him and tell him you love something that drives you wild, but work with him on the needs you must both fulfill, setting up a strategy that builds admiration.[i]

Not all men are admired at work. If work is a place where your husband meets opposition at every turn or leaves feeling like a failure, he will search for someplace to be admired. It may be on the softball field, on the racquetball court, as a deacon in the church, or through Facebook with old friends. How wonderful when that place is in your heart, in your arms, and in your home.

Look for ways to give your husband a compliment every day. Pay attention to him and take note of his appearance, behavior, and character qualities. Then sprinkle a few compliments his way. Your husband may be confused or skeptical with this sudden showering of praise. He may say, “What’s up with the compliments all of a sudden?”

Look for ways to give your husband a compliment every day. #marriage @TriciaGoyer

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If that’s his reaction, just say, “I’d forgotten what a wonderful man I’m married to, and I’m realizing it more and more every day!”

When you affirm your husband physically, emotionally, and verbally, you are blessing him in a way that no one else can.

Here are some ideas from my book, A 14 Day Romance Challenge

• Make a list of 10 to 15 reasons you appreciate or admire your husband and send it to him in an email, tape it to the steering wheel of his car, or post it on Facebook, making sure to tag him in the post.
• Write your husband a note, thanking him for something he did for you. It could be as simple as thanking him for working hard for your family, cutting the grass, or keeping up with your insurance.
• Fill one helium balloon for each year you’ve been married. Attach a love note to the ribbon of each balloon. Place the balloons over your bed so when he comes into the room he sees the cloud of balloons with love notes hovering from the ceiling.
• Make him a little card the size of a credit card that says “Lifetime Member of the AAA Club of Marriage. I Admire, Adore, and Appreciate You.” Slip it into his wallet.
• Put a note in his wallet that says, “You mean more to me than all the money in the world.”

[i] Dr. Willard Harley, His Needs, Her Needs (Grand Rapids, MI: Fleming H. Revell, 1986), 151.
[i] Ibid., 159.

Leave a comment and share one thing you did or will do today to show your husband you appreciate or admire him. We will randomly pick one comment to receive a free copy of Sharon’s new book, A 14-Day Romance Challenge: Reigniting Passion in Your Marriage.

Sharon Jaynes is a conference speaker and author of 21 books including Praying for Your Husband from Head to Toe and Becoming the Woman of His Dreams: Seven Qualities Every Man Longs For.

Her latest release, A 14-Day Romance Challenge: Reigniting Passion in your marriage is filled over 250 ways to show your husband just how much you love him and capture his heart all over again. If your marriage has grown hoo-hum in the daily routine of life, then this book will help you re-capture the romance of the early days. Learn more about Sharon’s resources at www.sharonjaynes.com.

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4 Ways to Prepare for a Healthy Marriage | Mikaela Mathews