Marriage Tips

June 3, 2015 by Tricia Goyer 1 Comment

Advice to My Younger {Married} Self

John and I haven’t had a perfect marriage. Far from it! There have been struggles over the years, but I’m so happy that we decided to fight FOR our marriage instead of fighting against each other. Here’s a few things I’ve learned along the way:

Greet each other with a welcome kiss after every work day, even if that means putting down the paper or turning off the television.
If you feel cranky, that is not a time to talk about the things the other person does that bother you—even if those things are in the forefront of your mind at that moment.
Talk about your expectations. Do you expect a home cooked meal every night or is pizza and TV dinners okay? Do you want to spend Saturday evenings with your parents? Do you like your socks folded a certain way? Would you like one night a week to go out with friends?
Spend time with God alone and together. Find a special time for you to connect with God. Design a time when you can come before Him together. Read 1-2 chapters from the Bible each day. Take a few minutes to pray for each other.
Think about one thing you can do that will put a smile on your spouse’s face that day. Then do it.
If your spouse asks you to do something for him/her, write it down. Then do that too.
Do not talk bad about your spouse to your friends or your parents … even if he/she has really made you mad. You will have an easy time forgiving your spouse, those other people will have a harder time.
Keep your thoughts pure. Guard your mind and your heart.
Have fun! Do the same things you did when you were dating. Laugh. Play. Love.

What advice would you give your younger married self? @TriciaGoyer

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I reached out to my Facebook followers and asked what advice YOU would give to your younger married self. Here are some of your nuggets of wisdom:

It doesn’t matter how the towels are folded. Or who folds them. — Pam

Look to Christ to fulfill your needs. Don’t expect Hubby to read your mind or be able to do that. — Jamie

Ditch the expectations, learn to compromise more, and honor God with your actions and words every step of the way. And respect. Always, always respect him. — Jenny

NEVER, and I mean NEVER, discuss my marital problems to anyone other than my spouse!!! Especially not family — Kate

Expect your husband to be human. He’s not perfect, you’re not perfect, which is why God needs to be in there. Grace is a constant companion in marriage. — Meg

Don’t take yourself too seriously. Laugh and laugh some more. Focus on the positive and his strengths. Be thankful for what you have! — Valerie

Don’t take your hubby for granted, that they’ll always be there – kiss him goodnight every night, because in a flash he could be gone and you’ll live with regrets and what ifs. — Sarah

Read the Power of a Praying Wife by Stormie O’Martian and really pray for your husband. Also, don’t talk bad on him to anyone, including your kids. — Heather

Think about things harder, and wait a little longer to do them. — Deborah

The cleaning will always be there! Cherish your family first, after time spent with God!!! And chill out! No need to be so neurotic! — Alonna

Marry someone you truly like as a friend. Always have each other’s back, even if they’re wrong…support them anyway. Say I love you as often as possible. Make the time to really kiss each other. Place your marriage above every other relationship except the one you have with God. And don’t keep a record of wrongs. Forgive, forget and move on. — Kristi

Emotions aren’t right or wrong, and they change. Do be easily offended. Let offenses go. — Kate

Pray over everything! Give God the chance to work in both our lives and then pray constantly over our children. — Kathy

Some things are so minor to fuss about, let it go. — Gail

Save more money! — Norma

Write down where you see yourselves at each anniversary. Example: How many children? Where you will be living? Type of home? Job? Grandchildren? Etc. — Chris

Communication is the key to a happy marriage. Pick my battles carefully. — Angie

Today’s mountains are tomorrow’s molecules. Remember that time will change our perspective but not our love so be nice. —Shirley

Don’t give up! To many people give up before the miracle, stating irreconcilable differences as a reason for divorce, remember the reasons you fell in love especially during the hard times. The grass is only greener where you water it, feed it, and nurture it. God will bless you like no one else can and I am a recipient of one of those blessings! — Melissa

Don’t let things pile up and unload everything on your spouse at once. — Voni

You are stronger than you think. Remember that your husband loves you, so trust in him. God has given you a wonderful person… Pray more often, listen more often. — Melissa

Different isn’t wrong! — Laura

Sometimes it’s important to share something that is bugging you even if you know it will hurt. It’s much better to get it out in the open than let it become a burr in your marriage. Just remember to say it in love. — Tina

Focus your energy on serving one another not trying to keep everything “fair” and “even”… You are not in competition with each other but are to sacrifice for each other. — Katie

Pray together. It is not something that comes naturally and is really difficult habit to form. It will bring you closer to the two that matter most, the Lord and your spouse. — Kari

@TriciaGoyer shares marriage advice you won’t want to miss!

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October 20, 2014 by Tricia Goyer 4 Comments

Thankful Listening | The Importance of Listening in Marriage

Thankful Listening

The Importance of Listening in Marriage

My husband John is a self-proclaimed computer geek. Do you know what that means? Lots of talk about CPUs, ram, network access, accessibility, blah, blah, blah. For years listening to the computer mumbo-jumbo drove me crazy.

#1—I didn’t know what he was saying.

#2—I didn’t care. (I mean, I was still trying to figure out what to make for dinner while he was talking about reconfiguring hard drives … or something like that!)

I would try to be patient when John talked through a computer issue at work, but I’m sure my face displayed the (bored and overwhelmed) truth.

Then a couple of years ago I started to think differently. I realized:

1. John processed problems by talking them out. It truly was a blessing that he turned to me!

2. When I gave John space to talk it helped him decompress. Once he got the words out, they were off his mind and he could spend the rest of the time focusing on our family . . . and me.

3. When I listened to John talk about computer stuff, it became easier for him to talk to me about everything else. As I became a good listener in all areas, he more freely opened his heart concerning the deeper stuff of life. And I’m not the only one who benefited.

The more I started listening (really listening), the more connected my husband felt toward me and the more he opened up to our family.

After being married for nearly 25 years, I still don’t understand the CPU/IBS/ABCDEFG talk, but it doesn’t really matter. I’m thankful that I can meet my husband’s needs.

Recently, I’ve tried to not only been a patient listener, but I’ve also worked to be a thankful listener. God has blessed me with a smart, capable, and hard working husband who trusts me and wants to spend time sharing what matters to him. I’m thankful that we have each other to turn to and talk to. I’m thankful that we don’t have to completely understand each other’s worlds, but we are still available to listen and care.

Steps You Can Take

Give your husband the room to vent and share about his day.
Ask how you can be praying for your husband.
Make it a point to tell your husband know how much you appreciate him.
Take time to pray for each other.

Are you a good listener? Being a thankful listener is important in marriage @TriciaGoyer

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Prayer

God, thank you for my husband. Thank you that I can be a sounding board for him in numerous ways. Thank you for this man, and help me to be a thankful listener. Help us to draw closer together as we meet each others’ needs in numerous ways.

More Resources:

Generation NeXt Marriage: The Couple’s Guide to Keeping It Together by Tricia Goyer

The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts by Gary Chapman

How to Get Your Husband to Listen to You: Understanding How Men Communicate by Nancy Cobb & Connie Grigsby

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July 15, 2013 by Tricia Goyer 2 Comments

Marriage Tools: A Young Couple’s First Year

I knew marriage was about the commitment, not the swag, but I have to admit I was partly disappointed when I opened my wedding gifts. I didn’t get one place setting of the nice dishes I’d wanted. Instead, there were practical tools. The blender, a mixer, and a crockpot were nice, but I’d been hoping for crystal stemware. (Don’t all married people have crystal stemware?)

Of course, years later I realized why people didn’t give me the fine china. They knew the basic tools are the things that actually get used. It’s true for marriage, too.

When we start a marriage, we think we know what tools we need to make it successful. <click to tweet>

We need love and understanding to help during the transition of those first married years.
We need life-long goals and a plan for starting a family.
We need to save money for a house and figure out whose family to visit for Christmas.

And those are all important things, but the truth is it’s the unnoticed, practical marriage tools often overlooked that are the tools you’ll need the most.

Here are three marriage tools you might need most:

A colander to sift out what really matters. One of the things that shocked me when John and I got married was his need to have order in our home. I was a single mom, so I came with a toddler. Toys scattered all over the living room drove John crazy. And after being married for twenty-four years and having six kids, they still do. If I was smart, I would have asked sooner what things John appreciates most when he comes in from work. Honestly, it doesn’t matter to him if the laundry is done. It doesn’t even matter if he has to wait for dinner. Being able to walk through the house without stepping on toys does matter. Not having the trash can so full and compacted that he has to wrangle the bag out (tearing it in the process) matters, too. And he doesn’t like anything sticky—this includes door handles and surfaces. There could be a layer of dust, but as long as it’s not sticky we’re good to go.
In marriage I’ve learned to communicate better. To ask direct questions like:“Do you expect me to have dinner done/the house clean/items put away when you get home?”or
“What makes you happiest when you walk in the door?”

The answers sometimes surprise me!
An egg timer to give time to unwind. John doesn’t like to be bombarded with problems, questions, or even dreams/ideas as soon as he walks through the door. Or even as soon as we sit down to dinner. Or as soon as we’re sitting side-by-side in the car.One thing I’ve found helpful is to send my husband an email or text message giving him a warning of something we need to discuss. For example: “There’s a possibility for a work trip coming up for me; can we talk about it at dinner?” And sometimes I give him even more forewarning. “I think we need to go over our budget; can we go out for breakfast on Saturday?”Giving my husband time to unwind and giving him an understanding of things we need to discuss makes discussions go 100% better. I find myself sitting across from my spouse who is ready to listen and solve problems and who’s had time to push his own work problems aside.
A recipe card for what I’ve got cooking. I’m bad about filing away vital information in my head. I work from home (and work for myself), so I’m the one who sets my agenda, follows it through, and evaluates my work. Too often I know what the plan is for dinner, for cleaning out the garage, or for vacation, but I forget to clue John in. What helps is just giving him an update to let him know what I’m thinking . . . otherwise he assumes that I don’t have a plan and I don’t care.

Focusing on what really matters, giving time to unwind, and letting my husband know about my plans and schedule have been tools that have helped us during these 23 years of marriage. These aren’t the “fancy” marriage tips that everything talks about. But they’ll be helpful for years to come!

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