Overcoming Performance-Based Love

I have three sons ages twenty-four, twenty, and three. The thing I love about boys is they adore their mom. My approval of them matters and I forget sometimes that my disapproval hits the heart of a boy.

I’ve been reminded of this after raising another young boy after having big guys around the house. After adopting Casey last year, we went through months and months of therapy to build a bond. When he first came to our home, Casey could care less what I thought of him (or his actions!). He did what he did because he wanted to.

His favorite thing was dumping. Dumping a gallon of milk on the floor. Dumping all the laundry detergent. Dumping every bucket of toys he could find. Sigh.

As our bond was built, Casey’s actions changed too. When he was choosing whether or not to dump toys, his decisions were based on more than just the fun factor. He looked to me–his mom–and learned to seek my approval.

When Casey does something good, he looks to me for praise. When he does something he knows he shouldn’t, he looks to me, wondering what my response is going to be. Knowing how to behave and consider others is important, but I have to remind myself there is something my boys need to know most of all: my love is not tied to their performance. They need to know this deep down, and they need to hear these words from us, “While I am thankful for your obedience, son, I still love you even when you choose to disobey. I hope you’ll make better choices next time, but I still love you.”

I started thinking about the importance of this recently because every time Casey disobeyed and had to face consequences, he asked me the question, ” Do you still love me?” I don’t know where he got that from, but I know his concern is genuine.

If any kid understands this, it’s this one. He is a child that has come from a “hard place.” In the first two years of his life he moved six times for “placements.” Even though he could hardly talk, he’d learned a lot in his young life. “I better be good or I’m going to have to go to another home.” The truth is that none of the chances in his placements had to do with his obedience–but try explaining that to a young heart still trying to figure out this world.

And the truth is, Mom, that even though your son might not be so vocal, the question is still there, “Mom, I’ve messed up…but do you still love me?”

Yes, we get frustrated. Yes, we sometimes are short with our boys. But even on those days when we keep calm and react as we should, the worry and fear still rises up in our sons’ heart.

Because of my littlest son’s question, I’m doing better and reminding him often–with my words as much as my deeds–of my love.

Here’s your breakfast . . . do you remember I love you?

Let’s go for a walk . . . I love being with you, and I love you.

That was not a good choice, and you have to be disciplined . . . but I love you all the same.

I guarantee this is a concern deep in every boy’s heart, but thankfully today your words–your assurance of your love–can make all the difference, today and every day of your son’s life.

Steps You Can Take

1. Even though you show love often, your son needs to hear you verbally express your love.
2. Your son looks to you for approval. Try to praise ten times more often than you discipline. Make sure your praise is built on their real-life actions.
3. Make expressing love part of your discipline routine. “Even though you made a wrong choice, my love for you has not changed.”

Daily Prayer

Dear Heavenly Father, 

Even though my son is rough and tough, please remind me often how tender his heart is. Remind me often of your love for me, as a mom, and help me relate my love so my son will grow to understand your love even more.

In Jesus’ name, amen.

Resources You Might Like:

Praying for Boys
What A Son Needs from His Mother

This post originally appeared on The Mob Society!

I have a few books on sale right now! Generation NeXt Marriage is $2.99. You can also get my four World War II novels in the Liberators Series for $13.99.

Are you new here? You might want to subscribe to my email updates, or follow me on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Google+, or Instagram.

God must have had a sense of humor when he gave me boys. To be truthful, I’m as “fluffy” as they come. I enjoy snuggling up with a good book, bubble baths, and mochas (with extra chocolate). I’m gentle and soft-spoken, and my idea of outdoor recreation is taking my dog for a walk on the paved bike trail near our home. I have learned the hard way how to raise boys and today I want to share a few things I have learned along the way.

How to Raise Boys: Hard Truth for Fluffy Moms

I admit It’s hard for me to “let boys be boys.” Sometimes I try to settle my boys—calm them. I want them to be more like me … but it doesn’t work.

I noticed there could be a problem when Cory was not even a year old. My husband, John, would grab Cory by the back of his zippered, footie pajamas and fly him around the house like Superman. Cory would squeal in delight. John would fly him faster and higher. I had to hide my eyes.

Then Cory turned two, and the favorite game of my men was “Jumping Joe and the Rock Monster.” Cory would chase John around the apartment with his plastic sword, and then when John was cornered he would turn around and nail Cory with a Big Bird beanbag chair. Cory would go flailing and hit the tiled floor, and I would gasp—sure that he was hurt. Within seconds, Cory would be on his feet, and they’d be at it again.

I was finally clued-in on the importance of this type of manly interaction when I signed up for James Dobson’s video course called “Bringing Up Boys.” (I highly recommend it!) In this course, Dobson stresses how boys need this male interaction. He claims they actually thrive when being “playfully punched” and having both parents interact with things that interest them.

I decided to try it out. That night after class I approached Cory (who was then fourteen), and I gave him a big slug on the shoulder. “I hear that you like this type of affection,” I added as I slugged him again.

His jaw dropped, then a huge smile filled his face, “Yeah, I do.”

“Wanna play Nintendo?” I asked.

A bigger jaw drop. A larger smile.

“Are you serious?”

Resources You Might Like:

Get Real, Become Focused, Begin Thriving!

You’re a generation of parents aspiring to excellence in every way, but you’re also just plain tired. You don’t need another parenting book promising perfection or another formula guaranteeing great kids; you need practical advice that shows how to deal with your and your children’s hearts. If you’re worn out from trying to do too much while giving your child every opportunity under the sun, if you’re striving to excel in every way but suffering from a lack of focus, this book is your solution. It will help you understand how your specific tendencies are common to your generation as a whole.

Generation NeXt Parenting

Also, Check out:

Boys Should be Boys
Bringing Up Boys