Do you feel that God is punishing you for your past sins? I used to feel the same way. Read on to see how the Lord taught me differently.

God is Not Punishing You For Your Past Sins

The other day I was mindlessly scrolling my Facebook feed when a headline caught my eye: “Toni Braxton Once Believed God Gave Her Son Autism Because Of Her Past Abortion.” My heart clenched as I read that—not only because of Toni’s pain and shame, but because of my own.

As a fifteen-year-old young woman, I found myself pregnant.

Overwhelmed with despair and seeking advice, I went to a Planned Parenthood clinic. The “counselor” looked across the table and focused on my eyes. “You’re young. You have your whole life ahead of you. An abortion is the best choice.”

“But . . . what about the baby?” I’d asked.

“It’s not a baby,” she told me. “Right now it’s just a few cells. The doctor’s just scraping them out.”

I bought into her lie and I scheduled an abortion, even though deep down, I knew it was a baby. I knew if I didn’t intervene, I’d be holding a child in my arms in seven months. And that scared me, too.

Later, I was horrified to find out that not only did those “few cells” have a beating heart, but little arms and legs and lips and tiny ears. Knowing that, the shame pressed down even more and I walked through life feeling numb, unable to face the truth of my decision.

Then I found myself pregnant again at age seventeen.

This time I was determined to carry my child. (I found out later that many young women who’ve had an abortion have another baby within a few years. It’s an “atonement child” of sorts.)

It was during this second pregnancy that I turned my life over to God. I prayed, “God, if you can do anything with my life, please do.” God has done amazing things. He gave me a beautiful son, and later brought me a wonderful Christian husband. Everything was going well in my life, but I still was ashamed of my past. Few people knew about my abortion, and I was sure they’d hate me if they found out.

A few years after John and I were married, I found out I was pregnant. I was so excited to have a baby with my husband. Finally, I’m doing things right. Yet a couple of months later I woke up in a pool of blood, and I knew two things:

First, I’d lost my baby.

And second, God was punishing me for my past sins, for my abortion.

Looking back, my heart aches for the young me, a woman who still didn’t understand God’s complete forgiveness. I saw God as a stern judge who was weighing all my deeds and found me wanting.

For years I felt my abortion was too much for God to forgive. I had a hard time forgiving myself. It was only when I attended a Bible study and worked through the book Forgiven and Set Free that I realized Jesus’ death covered all my sins. Who was I to say my sin was greater than His sacrifice?

The freedom I’m walking in today comes from understanding who God is. My sin was horrible, yes. I’ll always regret not having that child, discovering who he or she is, and spending this life together. Yet, I’m thankful for the eternity to come. I’m thankful that in God’s eyes I stand clean before Him, as white as snow.

God is not a God who is punishing you for your past sins!

There are natural consequences for our sins—pain and shame and regret were some of the consequences I faced—yet God offers forgiveness and grace. These are not dependent on who we are but on who He is.

As Romans 8:1-2 says, “So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus. And because you belong to him, the power of the life-giving Spirit has freed you from the power of sin that leads to death.”

Maybe you’re like me. Maybe you are carrying around the pain and shame from past sin. And maybe you’re thinking God is punishing you for your past sins. If so, then do two things:

In your mind’s eye, go back to that moment of your sin. See your sin, and then look to your right hand. Picture Jesus standing there. There’s isn’t a look of anger in his gaze, but one of compassion. He is there waiting for you to turn to Him and find Him so you’ll have real, abundant life. He’s been there all along, and He’s waiting for you to give Him your whole heart.
Picture Jesus on the cross. See Him there. Know His sacrifice is enough. Pray and thank Him for that.

My prayer for you today, friend, is that you will find freedom in Jesus Christ that you’ve never known before. I pray you will begin to understand the breadth and length and height and depth of God’s love – not only for mankind but also for you. Trust Him in that; discover that truth for yourself today.

It’s my prayer for Toni Braxton, too. That Jesus will meet her wherever she is, just as He met me.

Have you met with Jesus? I would love to talk with you!

~Tricia

Further Resources:

Women often pack their lives with family, friends, and faithful service, yet still end up feeling empty and unfulfilled. In Walk It Out, Tricia Goyer demonstrates to women that walking out the mandates of Scripture allows God to spark passion and mission within them.

Whether believers realize it or not, God intended for them to do what the Bible says: adopt the orphan, take the gospel into all the world, and care for the needy. These are mandates that point believers down the path of true living and eternal life.

Sometimes those steps are easy, but many times they require a move outside of what feels safe or secure. When women stop focusing on their own dreams and purposes, and instead focus on God’s dreams and purposes, everything changes. Go to: Walk It Out

Your Heartache, Your Story

What is your heartache? Looking back in your life where did you experience the most pain?

What is your story? Have you overcome hardship, loss, abandonment?

Have you been abused?

Did you grow up feeling unloved or unwanted?

Did you search for love in all the wrong places and find yourself making wrong choices to find love?

For years I struggled with many things: not knowing my father growing up, facing teen pregnancy, and forgiving myself for having an abortion. It was hard being transparent and telling the truth.

But as I began to open up to friends, I realized I’d been revealing myself, little by little, in my novels for a very long time.

The themes for my novels have common threads. They center around ordinary people plopped into extraordinary situations, and with the guidance of God these people rise above … and help and save others in the process.

My novels have some level of abandonment by a parent that leads to internal struggles. I never planned this, but looking back it’s in many of my books!

I noticed this as I wrote Book #3 in my Chronicles of the Spanish Civil War Series. One day a light clicked on and suddenly every element of the story came together as it was revealed to me that one of my main characters was abandoned by a parent . . . and WHO he really is.

Tricia Goyer, Chronicles of the Spanish Civil War

I didn’t plan that as I wrote Book #1 A Valley of Betrayal, but it seems as if I did. That one plot twist made the whole story work. I took the whole series to a deeper level than I anticipated. More importantly, that story came deep from my heart.

Hmmm . . . as someone who didn’t meet my biological dad until my late 20s, and who got pregnant and was abandoned by my boyfriend as a teen, I WONDER why I keep writing about this issue?!

This reminds me about something I read this morning from the book Loving God by Chuck Colson:

One Easter morning, as I sat in the chapel at the Delaware State Prison waiting to preach, my mind drifted back in time . . . to scholarships and honors earned, cases argued and won, great decisions made from lofty government offices. My life had been the perfect success story, the great American dream fulfilled.

But all at once I realized that it was not my success God had used to enable me to help those in this prison, or in hundreds others like it. My life of success was not what made this morning so glorious–all my achievements meant nothing in God’s economy. No, the real legacy of my life was my biggest failure–that I was an ex-convict. My greatest humiliation–being sent to prison–was the beginning of God’s greatest use of my life; he chose the one experience in which I could not glory for his glory.

Confronted with this staggering truth, I understood with a jolt that I had been looking at life backward. But now I could see: Only when I lost everything that I thought made Charles Colson a great guy had I found the true self God intended me to be and the true purpose of my life.

It is not what we do that matters, but what a sovereign God chooses to do through us.

3 Steps to Using Your Past Pain to Help Others Find Healing

1. Consider your own heartache. How is this part of your story? Take a few minutes to write down the five hardest moments in your life. How did God show up in your hardship? What can you share about Him with others?

2. See your greatest failure as a great legacy of God’s goodness. How can you use your mistakes as a platform for reaching others? What would you want to tell someone who is going through the same pain. It is from those hurting places that you will be able to touch the souls of others.

3. Consider where you can share about the hope and healing that you found in Jesus Christ. Are you on Facebook? Do you have a blog? Are you in a Bible Study or small group? Do you have a friend who is hurting? When we are willing to crack open our souls, people listen. When we speak out of the hard places in our own lives they are willing to open up their hearts. Write down a few places where you can share your story.

For years I shared about my heartaches, through the pages of my novels. I still do. Yet as God has brought more healing, I share it in many other places too: in small groups, on this blog, and even as I speak.

I’ve realized that there are people out there who need to hear my story. It impacts them by causing them to look at their own lives.

You have a story to share, friend. You can use your past pain to help others. Share how Jesus has transformed you and encourage others to turn to Jesus in the same way.

Embrace your story. Embrace your heartache. You never know how God will use it! @TriciaGoyer

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Prayer

God, thank you for redeeming me from my past and forgiving me. May I not let fear and shame keep me from learning from those mistakes. Instead, help me to find ways to help others who’ve experienced the same things.

More Resources

The Heartache No One Sees: Real Healing for a Woman’s Wounded Heart by Sheila Walsh

Loving God by Chuck Colson

A Valley of Betrayal (Chronicles of the Spanish Civil War, Book 1) by Tricia Goyer

A Shadow of Treason (Chronicles of the Spanish Civil War, Book 2) by Tricia Goyer

A Whisper of Freedom (Chronicles of the Spanish Civil War Series, Book 3) by Tricia Goyer

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