Spouse

November 20, 2023 by Tricia Goyer 26 Comments

When You’re a Child of Divorce

I remember the first time I heard that a friend’s parents were getting a divorce.

I must have been 7 at the time, and I didn’t understand. Was that possible? People were allowed to do that? It didn’t seem right. More than that, it seemed wrong.

Growing up, I didn’t know my biological dad, and my mom married my stepdad when I was 4 so I remember little before him. They had a fine marriage, but there were always issues. Even as a kid I was aware of that. Money, church, friends, attitudes, other attractions, the chore of children… these things weighed on my parents. There were times I thought their marriage was over, but then they’d come back together again—until the time they didn’t.

I remember the moment my stepdad told me that he had filed divorce papers.

My parent’s divorce wasn’t unexpected, but my heart ached all the same. He’d been waiting to tell me because I was planning my own wedding. But the day he chose to tell me was my wedding day. Yes, my wedding day. He didn’t want me to be surprised, when I returned from my honeymoon, that he was living someplace else.

I can picture your dropped jaw; I felt the same shock and disbelief as I drove away later that day with my new husband. I was 18 years old and newly married, but something still felt wrong about my parents getting a divorce. I felt like a hurt kid inside.

For a child, things never seem “right” again after your parents divorce. It was weird to see my mom without my dad there. It seemed weird to have to go to two Christmas gatherings, two Thanksgivings. It’s the most unnatural thing in the world.

Another thing you can’t shake as a child of divorce is the feeling that it’s partly your fault.

I went through some very rocky years as a teenager, and I caused a lot of stress for my parents. During my junior year of high school, when my mom wondered if she should leave my stepdad and get her own apartment, I told her I thought she should. Even though my input had very little effect on their decision, I still feel guilty; It’ll always be there. There’s always a feeling that if I’d been a better kid it would have been easier for my parents to work it out.

The truth about being a child of divorce is that it hurts no matter how old you are. This is not how God created things. A commitment is a commitment, especially one made before God.

I’ve been thinking about this lately because if my generation has anything in common, it is our universal exposure to divorce—not only with our parents, but in our marriages. If you’re alive today, divorce has had a profound effect on you—financially, emotionally, morally, spiritually. Our lives are different because of what has happened in our country’s marriages.

And where does that leave us? As people who understand the pain and struggle, it’s our job to help strengthen marriages—those around us and our own. Sure, you might think your friend has a good excuse for divorce, but don’t encourage it.

Encourage forgiveness, grace, and reconciliation. Pray. Pray hard.

Pray for the couples out there, and pray for their children. We’ve seen enough hurting kids grow into hurting adults.

And if you’re considering a divorce yourself, I beg you to reconsider. The grass is not greener. Happiness is not found in someone else.

Love can be rekindled.

The best thing you can do for yourself and for your children is to give your marriage a second chance. Don’t think that walking away from your commitment will come without consequences. Don’t think you’re not going to break your children’s hearts.

If you don’t want to try again, take your hurt and pain to God. Tell Him that the love is gone and seek His help. Love can sprout where you think there is only dead, dry ground. God can do miracles, and He wants to start in your heart.

I promise.

God promises.

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. John 10:10

Steps You can Take

Strengthen the marriages around you.
Encourage forgiveness.
Pray for couples and their kids.
Reconsider your own divorce.

Daily Prayer

Dear Heavenly Father,

Thank you for families and for marriage. Being married is a calling, and it’s hard work. Help my spouse and me to work through our differences and to show each other love and forgiveness. May our marriage encourage those around us who might be considering divorce.

In Jesus’ name, amen.

Resources You Might Like:

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July 5, 2023 by Tricia Goyer 10 Comments

The Flicker of an Old Flame

I loved my husband and we had such a happy marriage, why then did my heart leap and I feel the flicker of an old flame when I opened my email and saw who it was from?

I worked at my desk, noting flakes of snow fluttering down outside my office window. On the windowsill, a family photograph warmed my heart. The “you’ve-got-mail” chime sounded, and I glanced at my email. Scanning the name, my heartbeat quickened. Steven, my first boyfriend. My first kiss. My first everything. I opened the email:

“Hi, Trish, I found you on this classmate site. Remember me? I’d love to reconnect.”

A few years after Steven and I ended our relationship, I became a Christian. I’d married a wonderful man, and we had three great kids. Yet right away, my curiosity about Steven—and my longing to reconnect—surprised me. Why did I feel the flicker of an old flame, when I was so happy with my John?

Someone Help Me

Steven and I emailed each other a few times that day, sharing about our lives and families. And that night, when I didn’t want to mention our communication to my husband, John, I knew there was a problem.

The second day, Steven admitted he was getting a divorce, confessed he’d never stopped caring for me, and told me he’d named his daughter after me. I was flattered. My chest warmed. And I knew all communication had to stop. I needed help.

I turned to my closest friends for help, spilling the details and confessing that I needed their prayer. They filled my inbox with Scripture verses, notes of concern, and similar stories. I was surprised by how many others had struggled with the flicker of an old flame at one time or another.

True Confessions

Feeling the strength of my friends’ support, on the third day, I approached John. I told him about Steven and confessed that the emails had stirred up old emotions.

John held me, he cried, then he did something I’ll never forget: He took my hands and prayed for me. He prayed that I would be strong and that God would heal my heart and that I would understand how much I was loved and adored by my family, especially him.

Even though feelings for Steven lingered, I’d never felt so loved by John. It’s one thing to do everything right and feel appreciated by my husband; it’s another to feel weak and confused yet see the obvious love in John’s eyes.

Revealing the Past

After talking with John, I emailed Steven and told him that I loved my husband. I put an end to all communication with Steven. The emails stopped, but the memories lingered. It was as though a memory box hidden deep in my heart had been reopened and its contents refused to be stuffed back inside. I prayed God would take the memories away, but I felt alone as I fought against them.

One night, my friends joined me for prayer, and afterward, I realized I’d been trying to hide my past from God. Sure, I’d confessed my sins after giving my heart to Christ, but I hadn’t specifically confessed this relationship. And I hadn’t confessed how much I still wanted to be adored by this person.

That night as I lay in bed, in my mind’s eye, I took Jesus’ hand and walked through those memories. With God’s help, I saw myself as a young, vulnerable teen who wanted to feel beautiful and loved. I wept as I realized Jesus had been right there waiting for me to turn to Him.

With each memory, I asked Jesus to give me an undivided heart for Him and my husband.

Guarding my Heart

Because we live in a world where we can Google anyone at any time, I now take steps to guard my heart. I tell John about contacts with people from my past, no matter how innocent. I also avoid building close friendships with anyone of the opposite sex.

I’ve continued to ask Jesus to filter my heart, praying Psalm 139:23-24,

“Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.”

Yes, I was forgiven for the things I’d done, but Jesus didn’t want me to ignore the past. He wanted to redeem those experiences, to heal me.

Nearly 25 years have passed since that day when I got the email. While the struggle was hard, today my prayer is the same that David prayed in Psalm 30:2, “O LORD my God, I called to you for help and you healed me.”

Steps You Can Take in Dealing With the Flicker of an Old Flame

Pray for strength.
Let your spouse know the whole story.
Ask your friends to pray for you and to encourage you.
Guard your heart and avoid building close relationships with those of the opposite sex.

Daily Prayer

Dear Heavenly Father,

Thank you for my marriage and for my spouse. Help me to continue to guard my heart and to keep it for you, for my husband, and for my family. Thank you for your gift of forgiveness and love.

In Jesus’ Name,

Amen

Additional Resources

How to Give Your Marriage a Regular Check Up
Don’t Give Up Too Soon on Your Marriage
Kim Kardashian’s 72-Day Marriage
Generation Next: Marriage | Tricia Goyer

July 31, 2014 by Tricia Goyer 1 Comment

Generations May Influence Us, But God’s Influence is Greater

My teen years are a product of the 80’s.

Madonna sang Like a Virgin and no one I knew felt virginity was something to protect. While growing up, I sometimes felt closer to television families, like the Cosby’s, than my own. I escaped into books and always tried to gain the approval of my friends. In high school, I got together with guys and then broke up again, each time guarding myself a little more. At times I wondered if my heart would survive.

Go figure that when I first got married I had intimacy struggles. Maybe you can relate. As a generation we learned to exist on the surface, but not go too deep.

How did the generation you were raised in impact you? Maybe it’s more than you think.

While some factors are more significant than others, perhaps the most significant element in value development is age. Many psychologists and sociologists would agree that the most influential period of our value-development process is around age 10. What happened to you and what was going on in society when you were 10 years old has shaped your values probably more than you realize. . . . What we experienced in our families, at school, with our friends, through the media, and in every aspect of our lives at age 10 had a greater influence on us than those same factors had at any other time in our lives.

– Dr. Rick and Kathy Hicks in ‘Boomers, X-ers, and Other Strangers: Understanding the Generational Differences That Divide Us’

This makes a lot of sense to me. At age 10, my parents struggled in their marriage and some of my friend’s parents were already divorced. Financial strain in our family was overwhelming. Communication between me and my family focused on simple conversation like school or chores. I attended church but I didn’t really know God. I was an obedient kid who went through the motions of life.

The good news is that God healed all those broken parts of my heart. It’s taken time, but I’ve learned to open myself up to my husband. I’ve learned to connect. I’ve learned to trust. I’ve learned to be intimate.

How we were raised—and the era we grew up in—does influence us, but God’s influence is even greater.

They closer I grew to God, the more I opened my heart up to Him. And the more I opened my heart up to Him, the more I was able to open it to others too.

Do you have a hard time connecting with your spouse?

Ask God to come to you. Ask God to awaken your heart. Pray for true intimacy. Pray for the winds of change to come.

Awake, north wind!
Rise up, south wind!
Blow on my garden
and spread its fragrance all around.
Come into your garden, my love;
taste its finest fruits. Song of Songs 4:16 NLT

Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you… and He will also heal you so you can draw near to others. Intimacy can come.

Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you. @TriciaGoyer

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If you benefitted from this post, you might like these books of mine:

Lead Your Family Like Jesus by Tricia Goyer
Praying For Your Husband: Preparing Your Heart for His by Robin Jones Gunn and Tricia Goyer
Generation NeXt Marriage: The Couple’s Guide to Keeping It Together by Tricia Goyer

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May 10, 2014 by Tricia Goyer Leave a Comment

A Devoted Fan

It has been said, “The goal of marriage is two-fold: to reveal the glory of God and to enhance the glory of one’s spouse”.

How come this second half is so hard? Why do we find it so difficult to be our spouse’s biggest fan, cheering him or her on, and offering the gift of affirming words?

Of course, words are only the beginning. What our moms also told us is true, “Actions speak louder than words.” Our love can open wonderful possibilities, and cheering on our spouse can bring amazing growth to many levels of our relationship.

“One miracle of marriage is that we discover in ourselves and in our partner a true desire to help the other person become his or her best self. I think it is the part of us that is most noble, even the most godly, because it is about creating—not in our own image, but in the image of God we see in one another. It is love that draws this from us: an intimation of the divine pushing us to realize our potential and to help our partner to do the same.”

Are you your spouse’s biggest fan? #marriage @TriciaGoyer

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As I think about helping John become his best self, the weeks are counting down toward the Super Bowl. It makes me think what a great time it will be to snuggle next to John’s side and observe—not the game, but the devoted fans who flock to the stadium.

Here are a few traits of a devoted fan:

1. A devoted fan sits as close as possible, mesmerized. Am I that focused on my spouse?
2. A devoted fan shouts words of encouragement. The player has fumbled and is feeling discouraged. The fan reacts by cheering, “You’ll do better next time.” What praise do I give when John feels he’s messed up?
3. A devoted fan will boo the opponent. Life’s offender, Satan, is trying constantly to ruin my spouse’s game plan. I can put this enemy in his place through prayer.
4. A devoted fan will issue affirmation. “In marriage, each partner is to be an encourager rather than a critic, a forgiver rather than a collector of hurts, an enabler rather than a reformer,” say authors H. Norman Wright and Gary J. Oliver, How To Change Your Spouse (Without Ruining Your Marriage).
“Keep going! You can do it!” a fan calls. How often do I offer intense words of dedication?
5. A devoted fan celebrates. This reminds me to applaud every victory John has, even the small ones, as if it were the Super Bowl.

How can you be a devoted fan?

Steps You Can Take

Focus on your spouse.
Encourage your spouse through your words.
Help your spouse recognize the enemy.
Affirm your spouse.
Celebrate with your spouse.

Daily Prayer

Dear Heavenly Father,

Thank you for my spouse and for our marriage. Help me to be my marriage’s and my spouse’s biggest, most-devoted fan. Remind me to encourage, affirm, and celebrate with my spouse.

In Jesus’ name, amen.

Resources You Might Like:

Generation NeXt Marriage
The 10 Commandments of Marriage
How To Change Your Spouse (Without Ruining Your Marriage)

I have a few books on sale right now! Generation NeXt Marriage is $2.99. You can also get my four World War II novels in the Liberators Series for $13.99.

Are you new here? You might want to subscribe to my email updates, or follow me on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Google+, or Instagram.

May 6, 2014 by Tricia Goyer 8 Comments

How to Serve Your Spouse

Marriage isn’t all about romance or heart connections. (Don’t we wish!) The everyday stuff of life includes housework, yard work, and more. Much more.

I’ll never forget the look on my new husband’s face as he took a bite of the stew I’d had simmering in the crockpot all day. We’d only been married a few weeks, and I’d decided to embrace the role of domestic goddess. I knew I was no June Cleaver, or even Alice from the Brady Bunch. Still, wanting to do this marriage thing right, I’d purchased a cookbook and set to work.

John took a big bite of beef stew, chewed slowly, then swallowed. “Uh honey, was that a grape?”

“A grape?” I scooted my spoon around in the bowl, my smile fading. Sure enough, the raisins (which the recipe had called for, by the way) had swelled into large, fat grapes. Not only that, the grapes had given the whole pot a “fruity” flavor. Even after we picked them out we deemed the meal inedible.

My new husband was kind as I blubbered on about having never made stew before. In fact, as he soon found out, I’d never made much of anything. Growing up in the recession of the 80s, both my parents worked. Dinner often consisted of TV dinners or Banquet fried chicken from a box. When my mom did cook from scratch, I was usually at cheerleading practice or studying for a test. Besides, it was easier for Mom to just do it herself than to show me how.

After that “raisin stew” dinner (and a dozen similar ones to follow) my enthusiasm waned. How in the world could I get the hang of this domestic thing? Where was Caroline Ingalls when I need her? Ma, help!

A hundred years ago women lived among a community where young girls were trained on the finer ways of caring for a home. For the most part, when a new bride stepped into her role as wife she was prepared for her domestic roles—namely sewing, cleaning and, yes, cooking.

I entered my marriage with good intentions and very little skill. Still, my efforts weren’t hindered. I was a smart girl. I was on the Dean’s List in college for heaven’s sake. How hard could it be?

Did you enter into #marriage with false expectations? Don’t worry; so did @TriciaGoyer!

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I soon learned to cook and clean. But . . . that didn’t mean I liked it. Remember those expectations I talked about in the first chapter? I wanted John to do MORE around the house . . . anything would help.

I tried complaining. I tried nagging. I was a wonderful martyr.

Then I decided to pray about it.

Amazingly, instead of zapping my husband, God took me back to my unfulfilled expectations. In His gentle way, God asked me to look at my heart. He also reminded me of John 13:3-5 and 14-16 where Jesus wrapped a towel around his waist and washed His disciple’s feet.

Jesus knew that the Father had put all things under his power, and that he had come from God and was returning to God; so he got up from the meal, took off his outer clothing, and wrapped a towel around his waist. After that, he poured water into a basin and began to wash his disciples’ feet, drying them with the towel that was wrapped around him . . .

“Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one another’s feet. I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you. I tell you the truth, no servant is greater than his master, nor is a messenger greater than the one who sent him. Now that you know these things, you will be blessed if you do them.”(NIV)

Jesus didn’t serve because he was inferior. He served out of power. Out of love.

“We can all see God in exceptional things, but it requires the growth of spiritual discipline to see God in every detail,” says Oswald Chambers. “Never believe that the so-called random events of life are anything less than God’s appointed order. Be ready to discover his divine designs anywhere and everywhere.”

Really? Could God’s divine designs be found in the ordinary stuff of life too?

There are two ways we can approach the dirty laundry—with resentment and competition (I do more than he/she does . . .) or with a heart of service and love, as Jesus showed us. The latter is the better choice, of course.

What area is it difficult for you to serve your spouse?

What area is it difficult for you to serve your spouse? Share with @TriciaGoyer:

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Steps You Can Take

Instead of complaining, take a little time to pray.
Read through John 13:3-5 and 14-16.
Make a list of ways YOU can serve your spouse.

Daily Prayer

Dear Heavenly Father,

Thank you for my spouse and for our marriage. I know I take things for granted and have wrong expectations; help those to change and help me to take on a servant’s heart.

In Jesus’ name, amen.

Resources You Might Like:

Generation NeXt Marriage
The 10 Commandments of Marriage
Desperate Marriages: Moving Toward Hope and Healing in Your Relationship

I have a few books on sale right now! Generation NeXt Marriage is $2.99. You can also get my four World War II novels in the Liberators Series for $13.99.

Are you new here? You might want to subscribe to my email updates, or follow me on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Google+, or Instagram.

May 1, 2014 by Tricia Goyer 4 Comments

When the Past Affects Your Marriage

I looked like the perfect bride when, at age eighteen, I walked down the aisle to where John waited. Although outwardly I was adorned in a beautiful gown, inside I wore scars of past hurts. In my hands I carried a fragrant bouquet of roses. In my mind memories of embraces with past lovers—secret intimacies that had fulfilled me for a season.

A smile curled my lips as ruffles trailed behind me, but I didn’t truly understand the impact of those past relationships until years later.

It took years for the layers of pain, doubt, longing, and loss to reveal them from where they’d lain buried. Even though I had a good marriage, memories of past boyfriends surfaced at the oddest times. Sometimes in my dreams. Sometimes due to a song on the radio. And other times they appeared out of nowhere, like scenes from a movie replaying in my mind.

Shame was my first response. Then guilt. How could I let my mind go there? Followed by an honest longing to leave the past . . . in the past.

I’d turn to God. Plead with him to wash away the thoughts and scrub away the layers of longings. But more often than not, I’d discover a toughened skin of memories and emotions beneath the surface of the one peeled away.

I sought forgiveness for many past mistakes, from both God and myself. Losing my virginity in high school. Getting pregnant twice. Having an abortion, and later a child at seventeen. I dealt with each mistake on my knees. And while John was a faithful and caring husband, I believed I could only face these struggles alone. First, because it was my heart that had been wounded. Second, I knew God alone provided the source of true healing. And third, because there were things I didn’t want to admit, even to John. He knew I’d been pregnant twice, but he knew little about those past relationships. He knew I’d been hurt and abandoned, but I knew in order to explain the impact of those circumstances, I’d have to bear my soul. No thanks.

Instead, it felt easier to keep everything hidden away and tucked inside. Easier to simply carry my tears and prayers to God who knew everything and still loved me.

Is your past affecting your #marriage? @TriciaGoyer shares her story:

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So that’s the way we lived for years. With me holding back and believing John might not love me as much if he “knew the whole truth.” And with John always feeling as if I’d never given him my whole heart.

The fact was I hadn’t.

. . . . .

Telling John wasn’t easy.

John listened. He cried, and he took me in his arms and confessed his love for me. Then he prayed over me. He prayed that God would heal me and help me do the right thing. John prayed for his own strength, too. He prayed for our wounded hearts. He prayed that God would help us face this battle together and come out stronger at the end.

And the truth be told, when I confessed everything to my husband and witnessed intense love in his gaze . . . I have never loved John more. At that moment, I also understood God’s love deeper than I ever had.

Did you start your marriage keeping something from your spouse? Have you told them yet?

Did you start your #marriage keeping something from your spouse? @Triciagoyer

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Steps You Can Take

Ask for forgiveness from God.
Forgive yourself!
Carve out a time to talk with your spouse.
Pray! Pray before the talk, and ask your spouse to pray with you after the talk.

Daily Prayer

Dear Heavenly Father,

Thank you for the gift of forgiveness. Give me strength as my spouse and I tackle my past together. Give us both patience, forgiveness, and lots of love.

In Jesus’ name, amen.

Resources You Might Like:

Generation NeXt Marriage
Sacred Marriage
The Upside Down Marriage

I have a few books on sale right now! Generation NeXt Marriage is $2.99. You can also get my four World War II novels in the Liberators Series for $13.99.

Are you new here? You might want to subscribe to my email updates, or follow me on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Google+, or Instagram.

January 20, 2014 by Tricia Goyer 10 Comments

12 Tips to Make Your Marriage Rock

Want to make your marriage rock? Here are twelve ways to get started:

Send your husband off to work with a smile on his face. Have a good attitude. Pray for him. Talk about his upcoming day. Plant a good kiss on him before he leaves. Wave goodbye from the window.
Think of five things your husband would appreciate that day. Do them and see if he notices.
Greet your husband at the end of the day with a smile (even if you’ve had a rough day). Make a point to welcome him. Kiss him good. Have some semblance of order in the first room he enters. Have the table set for dinner—even if you haven’t starting cooking yet.
Give your husband wind-down time as he first enters. Don’t start complaining about the kids just yet.
After dinner snuggle with your husband. Sit down with him. Ask about his day.
Listen to your husband’s work concerns. As the days pass, check in about these concerns.
Don’t talk bad about your hubby to friends. Praise him around others.
Meet his physical needs. (Yes, you know what this means!)
Encourage him. Tell him how sexy he is. He still thinks of himself as that high school jock. A few words of praise go a long way.
Call your husband on the phone during day. Tell him you’re thinking about him. (Email works too!)
Support his dreams. Ask about them. Encourage them.
Don’t put yourself down in front of him. Treat yourself like the princess he married. He doesn’t want to notice your flaws . . . so don’t point them out!

Does your #marriage need a boost? Try out one of @TriciaGoyer’s tips:

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What do YOU do that makes YOUR marriage rock? I’m always looking for new ideas!

Did you hear the good news? My new book Balanced is available now via Amazon and Barnes & Noble for only $2.99 (digital only)!

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December 9, 2013 by Tricia Goyer 9 Comments

Struggling with Intimacy | Guest Post by Jennifer Smith

Have you ever been in an argument with your husband that makes you feel a little crazy?

I am noticing a pattern in my marriage. When my husband and I argue over something very trivial or insignificant—the type of conflict that becomes more about a fight over words or tone rather than the initial source of tension—it is in that moment of feeling completely crazy that I am confronted and convicted about an even larger issue: intimacy!

A question pops into my head: How long has it been since we were intimate with each other?

Could lack of #intimacy be affecting your #marriage? @UnveiledWife @TriciaGoyer

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Without nurturing a close connection our bodies cry out for each other, but because of our pride and not being willing to initiate for any reason leaves us fighting against each other instead of drawing near to each other.

When I realize this in the middle of an argument, the last thing I want to do is cultivate intimacy. In fact, my motivation is usually to argue my point because I know I am right, I know I am not the crazy one.

However, if one of us does not give in to love, our proud hearts would ruin our relationship. It is not an easy process, but it is possible. After realizing that what we really need is intimacy, my husband or I will ask if we can pray about our situation. Going before God with our hurt and our reasoning is very humbling. Praying together helps both of us submit to The Lord’s will, and we almost always feel immediate peace.

If you and your husband have been struggling in a crazy cycle where you both are not understanding or agreeing with each other, I encourage you to examine your heart and see if the real need is true intimacy. Ask your husband to pray with you, and have faith that God will reconcile you to each other!

About Jennifer

My name is Jennifer Smith and Unveiled Wife is my personal blog. I am a Christian, a wife and a mother of one. These are my three most important priorities in life, in that order.

Unveiled Wife launched in March of 2011. I first began this blog to share with other wives the struggles and the healing I encountered in my first few years of marriage. By God’s grace it has grown into much more than I could ever have imagined, reaching women from all around the world joined together in our community of .

I believe that if you want a thriving marriage, you must be intentional about it.

My passion motivating every post is to encourage other women in their role as a wife, focusing on the foundational principles about marriage revealed throughout the Bible. I write on faith, marriage and motherhood… and the occasional random post that may not fit perfectly into one of those categories.

My goal is to create an atmosphere where women feel safe to share their marriage experiences, find encouragement and affirm each other. You can connect with me on Facebook and Twitter.

December 9, 2013 by Tricia Goyer 9 Comments

Struggling with Intimacy | Guest Post by Jennifer Smith

Have you ever been in an argument with your husband that makes you feel a little crazy?
I am noticing a pattern in my marriage. When my husband and I argue over something very trivial or insignificant—the type of conflict that becomes more about a fight over words or tone rather than the initial source of tension—it is in that moment of feeling completely crazy that I am confronted and convicted about an even larger issue: intimacy!
A question pops into my head: How long has it been since we were intimate with each other?

Could lack of #intimacy be affecting your #marriage? @UnveiledWife @TriciaGoyer

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The usual answer is that is has been more than a week. For some reason when we lack in this area, our relationship becomes volatile, our patience with each other is thin, and our responses are less done in love.
Without nurturing a close connection our bodies cry out for each other, but because of our pride and not being willing to initiate for any reason leaves us fighting against each other instead of drawing near to each other.
When I realize this in the middle of an argument, the last thing I want to do is cultivate intimacy. In fact, my motivation is usually to argue my point because I know I am right, I know I am not the crazy one.
However, if one of us does not give in to love, our proud hearts would ruin our relationship. It is not an easy process, but it is possible. After realizing that what we really need is intimacy, my husband or I will ask if we can pray about our situation. Going before God with our hurt and our reasoning is very humbling. Praying together helps both of us submit to The Lord’s will, and we almost always feel immediate peace.
If you and your husband have been struggling in a crazy cycle where you both are not understanding or agreeing with each other, I encourage you to examine your heart and see if the real need is true intimacy. Ask your husband to pray with you, and have faith that God will reconcile you to each other!

About Jennifer

My name is Jennifer Smith and Unveiled Wife is my personal blog. I am a Christian, a wife and a mother of one. These are my three most important priorities in life, in that order.
Unveiled Wife launched in March of 2011. I first began this blog to share with other wives the struggles and the healing I encountered in my first few years of marriage. By God’s grace it has grown into much more than I could ever have imagined, reaching women from all around the world joined together in our community of .
I believe that if you want a thriving marriage, you must be intentional about it.
My passion motivating every post is to encourage other women in their role as a wife, focusing on the foundational principles about marriage revealed throughout the Bible. I write on faith, marriage and motherhood… and the occasional random post that may not fit perfectly into one of those categories.
My goal is to create an atmosphere where women feel safe to share their marriage experiences, find encouragement and affirm each other. You can connect with me on Facebook and Twitter.

November 4, 2013 by Tricia Goyer Leave a Comment

Praying for Your Child's Future Spouse

Cory was just a small toddler when I started praying for his future spouse. It wasn’t something I prayed for every day . . . or even every week. But I prayed when God stirred my heart. I prayed when I struggled in my own marriage. I prayed when my marriage grew stronger and full of joy. And I honestly believe my prayers made a difference. Prayer always does.
I adore my daughter-in-law, Katie. She and Cory have been married more than three years and have two beautiful babies. She’s thoughtful, caring, fun, and godly. Most of all she adores my son. (What more can a mother desire?!)

Give ear, our God, and hear; open your eyes . . . we do not make requests of you because we are righteous, but because of your great mercy. Daniel 9:18 NIV

So what things do you pray for? These are things we encourage young women to pray for in our book Praying for Your Future Husband . . . and you can pray these very things for your child’s future spouse!

Want to pray for your child’s future spouse? @TriciaGoyer shares some starting points:

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What to Pray For

Pray for his/her heart
Pray he/she will be a God lover
Pray for patience
Pray for understanding
Pray for trust
Pray for loyalty and faithfulness
Pray for strength
Pray for protection
Pray for intimacy
Pray for “the list” (God’s list for your child!)
Pray for contentment
Pray for commitment

You can pray for all of these things for your children’s future spouses, and don’t forget to pray the same things for your children, too. I have one child who is married, and I’m continuing to pray all these things for the five other children still unmarried. And since my youngest just turned three years old, I’ll be praying for quite a while!

#Prayer makes a difference. Just ask @TriciaGoyer:

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Prayer makes a difference. And make sure you let your child know that you’re praying, too. Help them to form their own prayers, even at a young age. It’ll help them to prepare their heart for the person to come.

What things do you pray for concerning your children’s future spouse?

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Did this post speak to you? Here are some similar ones you might want to read:

October 5, 2013 by Tricia Goyer 1 Comment

Non-fiction Books for Parents: 7 Tips for Getting the Most out of Them

Non-fiction books have changed my life as a Christian, a wife, and a homeschooling mom.

I can look back at my life at times when I’ve made big decisions and big changes, and the cool thing is that I often can connect a self-help book to those transformations. I’ve learned about being a praying wife, a godly servant, a better teacher, and a bold witness to the gospel . . . through the pages of books.

Need some non-fiction book recommendations? @TriciaGoyer shares her favorites:

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Finding the Helpful in Non-fiction

Not all self-help books are helpful, but if you find one that speaks truth to your heart here is how to get the most out of that book:
Begin in prayer. Ask God to guide you to the truth.
Skim the book. Do a quick flip through and note the diagrams and chapter titles. This will help you get an overview (and an excitement!) for the journey ahead.
Read each chapter and underline key thoughts. Yes, it’s OK to write in your books, I promise. Underline the things that jump off the page. “Aha!”
Take time to pause and reflect. Consider how this applies to YOU (not your spouse, your child, or your friend).
Write your “Aha!” ideas and reflections in a separate notebook. Jot down action steps or ideas that will help your day-to-day life.
Chat with a friend about what you’ve learned. Ask your spouse’s thoughts and share yours. Talk about your “Aha!” ideas with friends. Blog about them if you like! The more you communicate and teach others, the better you’ll learn yourself.

Non-fiction can make a big impact on you. @TriciaGoyer shares tips for getting the most out of them:

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Read the rest of my tips and get some non-fiction recommendations HERE!

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A Christmas Gift for Rose just released! Rose turned her back on the man she loves after he assisted the Englisch during World War II—only to discover she’s an Englischer herself. Born in the midst of the hardships of The Great Depression, Rose grew up in Berlin, Ohio, in the arms of a loving Amish family. But she is overwhelmed by self-doubt when she learns that she was born Englisch and abandoned when her family moved West in search of work. Was she meant to be Amish or would she have been better off growing up with her own kind—Englischers? When the man she loves leaves her behind, Rose is certain he left for good. Yet Rose discovers sometimes our greatest gifts are the ones we fear.