Spouse

September 13, 2016 by Tricia Goyer 27 Comments

When You’re a Child of Divorce

I remember the first time I heard that a friend’s parents were divorcing. I must have been 7 at the time, and I didn’t understand. Was that possible? People were allowed to do that?

It didn’t seem right. More than that, it seemed wrong.

Growing up, I didn’t know my biological dad, and my mom married my stepdad when I was 4 so I remember little before him. They had a fine marriage, but there were always issues. Even as a kid I was aware of that. Money, church, friends, attitudes, other attractions, the chore of children … these things weighed on my parents. There were times I thought their marriage was over, but then they’d come back together again—until the time they didn’t.

I remember the moment my stepdad told me that he had filed divorce papers. My parent’s divorce wasn’t unexpected, but my heart ached all the same.

Being a child of #divorce hurts. Read about @TriciaGoyer’s experience:

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He’d been waiting to tell me because I was planning my own wedding. But the day he chose to tell me was my wedding day. Yes, my wedding day. He didn’t want me to be surprised, when I returned from my honeymoon, that he was living someplace else.

I can picture your dropped jaw . . . and I felt the same shock and disbelief as I drove away later that day with my new husband. I was 18 years old and newly married, but something still felt wrong about my parents getting a divorce. I felt like a hurt kid inside.

For a child, things never seem “right” again after your parents divorce. It was weird to see my mom without my dad there. It seemed weird to have to go to two Christmas gatherings, two Thanksgivings. It’s the most unnatural thing in the world.

Another thing you can’t shake as a child of divorce is the feeling that it’s partly your fault. I went through some very rocky years as a teenager, and I caused a lot of stress for my parents. During my junior year of high school, when my mom wondered if she should leave my stepdad and get her own apartment, I told her I thought she should. Even though my input had very little effect on their decision, I still feel guilt. It’ll always be there. There’s always a feeling that if I’d been a better kid it would have been easier for my parents to work it out.

The truth about being a child of divorce is that it hurts no matter how old you are. This is not how God created things. A commitment is a commitment, especially one made before God.

Being a child of divorce hurts no matter how old you are. @TriciaGoyer

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I’ve been thinking about this lately because if my generation has anything in common, it is our universal exposure to divorce—not only with our parents, but in our marriages. If you’re alive today, divorce has had a profound effect on you—financially, emotionally, morally, spiritually. Our lives are different because of what has happened in our country’s marriages.

And where does that leave us? As people who understand the pain and struggle, it’s our job to help strengthen marriages—those around us and our own. Sure, you might think your friend has a good excuse for divorce, but don’t encourage it. Encourage forgiveness, grace, and reconciliation. Pray. Pray hard.

Pray for the couples out there, and pray for their children. We’ve seen enough hurting kids grow into hurting adults.

And if you’re considering a divorce yourself . . . I beg you to reconsider. The grass is not greener. Happiness is not found in someone else. Love can be rekindled.

The best thing you can do for yourself and for your children is to give your marriage a second chance. Don’t think that walking away from your commitment will come without consequences. Don’t think you’re not going to break your children’s hearts.

If you don’t want to try again, take your hurt and pain to God. Tell Him that the love is gone and seek His help. Love can sprout where you think there is only dead, dry ground. God can do miracles, and He wants to start in your heart.

I promise.

God promises.

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. John 10:10

Steps You can Take

Strengthen the marriages around you.
Encourage forgiveness.
Pray for couples and their kids.
Reconsider your own divorce.

Daily Prayer

Dear Heavenly Father,

Thank you for families and for marriage. Being married is a calling, and it’s hard work. Help my spouse and me to work through our differences and to show each other love and forgiveness. May our marriage encourage those around us who might be considering divorce.

In Jesus’ name, amen.

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July 31, 2014 by Tricia Goyer 1 Comment

Generations May Influence Us, But God’s Influence is Greater

My teen years are a product of the 80’s.

Madonna sang Like a Virgin and no one I knew felt virginity was something to protect. While growing up, I sometimes felt closer to television families, like the Cosby’s, than my own. I escaped into books and always tried to gain the approval of my friends. In high school, I got together with guys and then broke up again, each time guarding myself a little more. At times I wondered if my heart would survive.

Go figure that when I first got married I had intimacy struggles. Maybe you can relate. As a generation we learned to exist on the surface, but not go too deep.

How did the generation you were raised in impact you? Maybe it’s more than you think.

While some factors are more significant than others, perhaps the most significant element in value development is age. Many psychologists and sociologists would agree that the most influential period of our value-development process is around age 10. What happened to you and what was going on in society when you were 10 years old has shaped your values probably more than you realize. . . . What we experienced in our families, at school, with our friends, through the media, and in every aspect of our lives at age 10 had a greater influence on us than those same factors had at any other time in our lives.

– Dr. Rick and Kathy Hicks in ‘Boomers, X-ers, and Other Strangers: Understanding the Generational Differences That Divide Us’

This makes a lot of sense to me. At age 10, my parents struggled in their marriage and some of my friend’s parents were already divorced. Financial strain in our family was overwhelming. Communication between me and my family focused on simple conversation like school or chores. I attended church but I didn’t really know God. I was an obedient kid who went through the motions of life.

The good news is that God healed all those broken parts of my heart. It’s taken time, but I’ve learned to open myself up to my husband. I’ve learned to connect. I’ve learned to trust. I’ve learned to be intimate.

How we were raised—and the era we grew up in—does influence us, but God’s influence is even greater.

They closer I grew to God, the more I opened my heart up to Him. And the more I opened my heart up to Him, the more I was able to open it to others too.

Do you have a hard time connecting with your spouse?

Ask God to come to you. Ask God to awaken your heart. Pray for true intimacy. Pray for the winds of change to come.

Awake, north wind!
Rise up, south wind!
Blow on my garden
and spread its fragrance all around.
Come into your garden, my love;
taste its finest fruits. Song of Songs 4:16 NLT

Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you… and He will also heal you so you can draw near to others. Intimacy can come.

Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you. @TriciaGoyer

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If you benefitted from this post, you might like these books of mine:

Lead Your Family Like Jesus by Tricia Goyer
Praying For Your Husband: Preparing Your Heart for His by Robin Jones Gunn and Tricia Goyer
Generation NeXt Marriage: The Couple’s Guide to Keeping It Together by Tricia Goyer

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May 10, 2014 by Tricia Goyer Leave a Comment

A Devoted Fan

It has been said, “The goal of marriage is two-fold: to reveal the glory of God and to enhance the glory of one’s spouse”.

How come this second half is so hard? Why do we find it so difficult to be our spouse’s biggest fan, cheering him or her on, and offering the gift of affirming words?

Of course, words are only the beginning. What our moms also told us is true, “Actions speak louder than words.” Our love can open wonderful possibilities, and cheering on our spouse can bring amazing growth to many levels of our relationship.

“One miracle of marriage is that we discover in ourselves and in our partner a true desire to help the other person become his or her best self. I think it is the part of us that is most noble, even the most godly, because it is about creating—not in our own image, but in the image of God we see in one another. It is love that draws this from us: an intimation of the divine pushing us to realize our potential and to help our partner to do the same.”

Are you your spouse’s biggest fan? #marriage @TriciaGoyer

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As I think about helping John become his best self, the weeks are counting down toward the Super Bowl. It makes me think what a great time it will be to snuggle next to John’s side and observe—not the game, but the devoted fans who flock to the stadium.

Here are a few traits of a devoted fan:

1. A devoted fan sits as close as possible, mesmerized. Am I that focused on my spouse?
2. A devoted fan shouts words of encouragement. The player has fumbled and is feeling discouraged. The fan reacts by cheering, “You’ll do better next time.” What praise do I give when John feels he’s messed up?
3. A devoted fan will boo the opponent. Life’s offender, Satan, is trying constantly to ruin my spouse’s game plan. I can put this enemy in his place through prayer.
4. A devoted fan will issue affirmation. “In marriage, each partner is to be an encourager rather than a critic, a forgiver rather than a collector of hurts, an enabler rather than a reformer,” say authors H. Norman Wright and Gary J. Oliver, How To Change Your Spouse (Without Ruining Your Marriage).
“Keep going! You can do it!” a fan calls. How often do I offer intense words of dedication?
5. A devoted fan celebrates. This reminds me to applaud every victory John has, even the small ones, as if it were the Super Bowl.

How can you be a devoted fan?