Teen Mom

June 11, 2015 by Tricia Goyer Leave a Comment

Talking to Your Daughter About Sex (Plus a Free Printable)

Talking to Your Daughter About Sex might seem difficult. But if you have a pre-teen or teen daughter, you know how much pressure there is for young women to have sex. As a parent, it’s hard to find the balance between lecturing and ignoring the topic. Some days we may lean one way, other days the other. However, it is so important that we are the ones to give our daughters the right information about what God’s Word really says about sex. That’s why I’m here to offer you some Godly wisdom for having “the talk” with your daughter today.

Talking to Your Daughter About Sex

Mom, believe it or not, your daughter will listen to you best when she understands YOUR heart. Sharing our experiences concerning sex during our teen years may be the hardest to do, but it will be the most impacting for your daughter. Intimacy is opening ourselves up to let someone else peer inside, and when you’re willing to share your failures and successes concerning your sexual choices, your words will go straight to your daughter’s heart.

Here is an excerpt from my book Teen Mom: You are Stronger Than You Think. In it, I encourage young women to examine their thoughts about sex and intimacy, but you can use these same facts and questions to open up an impacting conversation with your teen daughter.

One main reason young people choose to have sex is their desperate search for intimacy, but true intimacy is usually the last thing they find. Sexually active girls seek a lasting commitment but end up with heartbreak.

Another side effect of the search for intimacy through sex is that these teens have a hard time learning other ways to relate. They miss the joy of heart bonds because society has fed them a lie that physical bonding is the only way to truly connect.

Think about it: in today’s movies, how do you know if two people are “in love”? They have sex with each other. While this may be an easy way to show attraction on the big screen, this isn’t the real world. True intimacy is made possible by the use of relationship skills and not as a result of sex drives.

I know I had the wrong ideas about intimacy when I was young. I thought that “going all the way” was the only way to show a guy that I truly loved him.

2% of teens have had sex by the time they reach their 12th birthday.
16% of teens have sex by age 15.
33% of teens have sex by age 16.
48% of teens have sex by age 17.
61% of teens have sex by age 18.
71% of teens have sex by age 19.

Think back:

What type of messages about attracting guys, getting guys, and having sex did you receive?
How did these messages affect you?
Did you feel you weren’t complete without a boyfriend?
What do you wish you would have known about guys and sex when you were younger?

(excerpt from Teen Mom, p. 88-89)

How to have “the talk.”

Take time to go over these statics with your daughter. Ask her what she sees at school and in the media.

Ask your daughter about her own search for intimacy. Ask, “Where are the holes in your heart?”

Talk about bonding with another person: “True intimacy is made possible by the use of relationship skills and not as a result of sex drives.” Ask, “what are other ways to connect other than sex.”

Ask your daughter about the pressures she feels. Talk about an “escape plan” when she feels these pressures.

Finally, take time to share your own experiences:

What type of messages about attracting guys, getting guys, and having sex did you receive?

How did these messages affect you?

Did you feel you weren’t complete without a boyfriend?

What do you wish you would have known about guys and sex when you were younger?

Don’t make this a one-time conversation. Let your daughter know she can come to you any time. Become a safe place for your daughter to talk about what she hears, what she sees, and how she feels.

Let her know it’s uncomfortable for you too, but you can work through all her questions together. And know that sharing your heart will have a positive impact on your daughter will carry with her through all life’s challenges.

Resources for continuing the conversation about guys, sex, intimacy, and relationships:

Praying for Your Future Husband by Robin Jones Gunn and Tricia Goyer

My Life, Unscripted by Tricia Goyer

Passport2Purity by Dennis and Barbara Rainey

Other books for moms:

Five Conversations You Must Have with Your Daughter by Vicki Courtney

Raising a Daughter After God’s Own Heart by Elizabeth George

The dreaded, but unavailable “talk” with your daughter. Find out what to say from @TriciaGoyer

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Download the printable below!

Talking to Your Daughter About Sex

This post originally appeared on thebettermom.com

May 14, 2015 by Tricia Goyer 11 Comments

When Your Church-Raised Daughter Is Pregnant

Every week I get emails and notes from parents who discover their daughters are pregnant. It’s a shock to say the least, especially for parents who raised their children in Christian homes and taught them God’s good plans for marriage and children.

The parents who are most distraught are those whose daughters seemed to know better, but then strayed. After choosing to have sex outside of marriage, the daughter then claims that there is no problem with the choices she made. It’s enough to break a parent’s heart!

Maybe you’re the parent, and maybe your daughter thinks her choices are her choices, and now she wants you to celebrate this new life. Take a deep breath, Mom and Dad, and remember that even more important than winning this battle is staying connected with your daughter’s heart. Here are two ways to do just that:

Offer Lots of Love & Grace

Realize that your daughter does know that what she did (having sex outside of marriage) is a sin. She knows that it’s not God’s perfect way–even when she says otherwise. I guarantee that she has her defenses up. Even if she’s trying to push your buttons, her heart knows the truth. I know. I was that young woman.

The women from my mom’s church reached out to me when I was a pregnant teen, and I was VERY defensive. They tried to talk to me, and I turned my back on them. Instead of getting caught up in the issue of whether or not having sex outside of marriage was a sin (because deep down they know), offer a lot of love and a lot of grace. Your daughter needs that most.

Some things you can say:

All of us make mistakes, but God loves us.
We are thankful that you are choosing life–a child is a gift.
And if you have younger children, here are wise words, too: We want to support you and our grandchild, but we also want our other children to understand that the best decision is to choose a godly spouse and wait to have children after marriage. (If she tries to argue, simply say, “When you show me in the Bible that God’s best way is to have sex–and children–outside of marriage, then we can talk.)
Also, if you have younger children, sit down with all them and be very open and upfront about the choices your daughter made. Talk about what God’s Word says and why His way is a better way. Also, pray together for their sister and this baby.

The pregnancy and your daughter’s initial defenses will be the hardest part! Things tend to smooth out after a sweet baby joins your family. Just do what you can to offer love and grace until then.

Read Through Books Together

I also recommend two books for you to share with your pregnant daughter. Both are available on Amazon.com. As a parent, you could benefit from reading these books, too … they might help you understand your daughter’s thoughts and feelings and know how to answer her better.

Teen Mom: You’re Stronger Than You Think

Everything changes the day you discover you’re going to be a mom. It’s not just yourself that you think about―you have a child to care for, too. While you wouldn’t trade your child for the world, some days are just hard. Baby-daddy drama, dealing with your parents, and worries about school, work, and your future slam you. Your friends can’t relate to your little family, and you wonder if God has turned His back on you, too.

Tricia Goyer understands. A mom at age 17, Tricia remembers what it felt like to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders. She’s also been the coordinator of a teen mom support group for over twelve years, and she’s cheered on many young moms―from all walks of life―through their journey.

In Teen Mom, Tricia pours out her heart and shares advice for the hard things you face. She also longs to provide encouragement, reminding you that you can be the mom your child deserves―not in your own strength, but in the strength God provides.

Praying for Your Future Husband

Have you ever thought about praying for your future husband?

Will it make a difference?

There’s only one way to find out…

From when we were small girls, most of us dream of “The One,” our future husband. We think about what it would be like to be a bride. We wonder who that special guy is and when we’ll find him. The great news is that what you do now can make a difference in your life and the life of your future husband!

Authors and good friends Robin Jones Gunn (Christy Miller series) and Tricia Goyer (author and former teen mom) believe God answers women’s prayers for husbands—even husbands they may not meet for years. They invite young women to pray boldly for their future mate … while also asking God to prepare their own hearts.

In Praying for Your Future Husband, Robin and Tricia share their two vastly different experiences, including the things they did right and the mistakes they made on the path to meeting and marrying their husbands. Each chapter includes helpful Bible verses, prayers, and practical application, along with true stories of women who prayed for a husband and how God answered in remarkable ways.

God has a beautiful romance prepared for you. Prayer is the key to unlocking the love story … with your future husband and with God, the lover of your soul.

@TriciaGoyer shares what to do when your teen daughter tells you she’s pregnant

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May 12, 2015 by Tricia Goyer 5 Comments

Do You Dare? | Trusting God with Your Past, Present, & Future

“I have screwed up big time. If you can do anything with my life, please do.”

That was the eloquent prayer I prayed in the early months of 1989. I was 17 and pregnant. I had dropped out of regular high school. My boyfriend was out of the picture. My friends were going on with their senior year. I was depressed. I was without hope. I slept in until noon and watched soap operas, and I was pretty sure my life was over …

but then I dared to hope.

I dared to believe my Sunday School teacher who’d told me, years before, that Jesus loved me. I dared to trust that God could and would forgive me for my mistakes. I took a step of faith, praying to God to rescue me. I trusted that if I turned my life over to Jesus that he could give me a good future–even though I couldn’t see it or imagine it.

Do you dare to trust God to forgive and redeem your mistakes? @TriciaGoyer

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As I prayed those words, “If you can do anything with my life, please do,” I did not just pray them and then continue living and thinking in the destructive ways that got me where I was. Instead, I knew I needed to do my part.

I started reading my Bible. I started praying. I stopped watching television that promoted ungodly living, lust, destruction, and darkness. I stopped listening to music that turned my mind away from God. I instead listened to music that praised God and promoted right living. I surrounded myself with Christian friends. I attended church and modeled my life after those who were serving God. I prayed for my future, myself and my son. I worked to control my tongue. I sought forgiveness when I messed up. I got on my knees, and I confessed when I messed up. I shared with others what God was doing in my life. I spent time reading the Bible.

I did not change overnight. I still cussed and cursed at times. I was drawn to bad situations. I dishonored God at times. I made bad choices. I clung to pleasures of my flesh. In fact, these are all still things that I battle with.

But the more I sought God, turned to Him, read God’s Word, walked away from ungodliness, surrounded myself with people who loved God, the more I changed. It’s choosing the right way–God’s way–and turning my back on all that led me down the destructive path that made all the difference in my life.

God does not expect us to be perfect, but He does expect us to seek him for guidance, strength, wisdom, and the strength to make right choices. We do this through reading God’s Word, prayer, and following examples of those who put him first.

God doesn’t expect us to be perfect, but to seek Him in ALL things! @TriciaGoyer

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He has done amazing things with my life–more than I can imagine. And I know that he can do the same with yours.

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April 27, 2015 by Tricia Goyer Leave a Comment

Real Life Love

If you are currently in a dating relationship, ask yourself how you would view your boyfriend if you were an outsider looking in. Are you sticking around because you’re needy?

Because of fear? The people with the biggest needs or fears are usually the ones who fill their lives with the biggest Mr. Wrong.

Also, our judgment in relationships disappears when sex is thrown into the mixture. Once the powerful and pleasurable ingredient of sex is added, we tend to overlook even basic flaws— until the passion subsides, of course. But by then it can be too late. By then, your emotions are knotted tight.

Real Life “Love”

The messages in teen magazines for young girls are obvious: Winning a boyfriend is crucial, so you need to dress skimpy, approach guys boldly, and don’t think twice about going all the way!

Yet what does that mean in real life? It may mean broken hearts and bad reputations. It may mean unplanned pregnancies or sexually transmitted diseases. One statistic even states that unmarried, teenage girls who are sexually active are three times more likely to be depressed than girls who are not sexually active! Also, girls who are sexually active are almost three times more likely to attempt suicide than are girls who are not sexually active.

Also, most sexually transmitted diseases cannot be cured. The symptoms can be managed, but the disease itself will be with you forever. And you will pass it on when you meet the person you want to spend your life with.

What does real life love look like? Read an excerpt from #teenmom by @TriciaGoyer to find out

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Excerpted with permission from Teen Mom by Tricia Goyer, copyright Zondervan, 2015.

About Teen Mom

Everything changes the day you discover you’re going to be a mom. It’s not just yourself that you think about—you have a child to care for, too. While you wouldn’t trade your child for the world, some days are just hard. Baby-daddy drama, dealing with your parents, and worries about school, work, and your future slam you. Your friends can’t relate to your little family, and you wonder if God has turned His back on you, too.

In Teen Mom: You’re Stronger Than You Think, Tricia pours out her heart and shares advice for the hard things you face. She also longs to provide encouragement, reminding you that you can be the mom your child deserves—not in your own strength, but in the strength God provides.

How to Become a Life-Long Learner

Richer Than Gold
You may have tangible wealth untold;
Caskets of jewels and coffers of gold.
Richer than I you can never be—
I had a mother who read to me.
— Strickland Gillian (1849 – 1954)

Every day we have a choice: to take a step to follow a dream or to stay stagnant and continue on as things are. I’ve grown and changed throughout the years because I hadn’t been afraid to learn. The wisest man who ever lived once said, “Do yourself a favor and learn all you can; then remember what you learn and you will prosper” (Prov. 19:8 GNT). He knew what he was talking about!

Here are five simple steps to becoming a lifelong learner.

Learn who God created you to be.

Think about what things you enjoy doing. Make a list of things that take your time and energy but don’t seem like work. For a season I enjoyed being creative and making teddy bears, but when I first started pursing writing, I knew I was made for this. I find joy even in the middle of the struggle. I always want to know more and do better. Work doesn’t seem like work (most of the time).

Learn your learning style.

I learn best with books and papers piled around me. I usually have to write down my thoughts to process them. When I read a book, I underline. When I attend conferences, I take pages of notes, and that’s just me. Figure out how you learn best and use your preferences to your advantage.

Listen. I’ve learned so much from listening to others.

I build relationships with people I respect and want to learn from. I read blogs written by people I respect. I pay attention to those around me in everyday life.

Don’t be afraid to try something new.

I try new recipes and visit new places. I watch how-to videos and then try it myself.

Teach. The best way to incorporate your knowledge is to teach it.

As a mom, you have a willing student in your child. Involve your child in whatever you’re learning. If you’re cooking, let your little one watch you. Your child should know the things that interest you.

Learning can take you far—you just have to be brave and start! Once you start learning and growing, your life will never be the same. Your child’s life will never be the same either as he or she learns to follow in your footsteps!

@TriciaGoyer shares 5 ways you can become a life-long learner! #teenmom

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Excerpted with permission from Teen Mom by Tricia Goyer, copyright Zondervan, 2015.

Do You Love Me? | Breaking the Cycle of Bad Relationships

I remember one specific meeting at our teen moms support group. I’d brought in three happily married couples to talk about marriage. I expected the young moms to ask questions about how to find the right person or how to deal with conflict, but that is not what they asked. Instead, the same question kept popping up over and over again, “Why in the world would you get married?”

The young women were happy for the couples—they really were—but they had no intention of getting married themselves. I was in shock. Then I began asking questions.

First of all, I asked how many of them had parents who were currently married. None of them. Not one of the young women raised her hand. Then I asked these young women how many of their parents had at one time been married to each other. Out of twenty-five young women, only two of them had parents who’d been married, but both were now divorced. I then asked how many of them had a good relationship with their father. Again, only two young women. Finally, I asked if any of them had ever seen a good marriage close up, one they’d like to model in their own lives. Out of twenty-five young moms, only one person raised her hand.

No wonder these young women had no hopes of marriage in the future. No wonder they were building relationships with the wrong types of guys. They had no idea what a happy marriage looks like. They had no idea what to hold out for.

Maybe you’re the same. You like the idea of marriage and of a happy relationship, but you haven’t had a good example in your life. You think pursuing such a thing is a waste of time, so you settle for far, far less. I’m here to tell you that it is possible. Once I started looking for—and praying for—the right type of guy, I found him. (As I mentioned before, I also changed my life to become the type of person the right type of guy would want.)

You have to start by being willing to wait for the right person, being willing to change, and being willing to open your heart when the time comes. It’s time to break the cycle of bad relationships.

True love exists… be willing to wait for the right person! @TriciaGoyer #teenmom

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Excerpted with permission from Teen Mom by Tricia Goyer, copyright Zondervan, 2015.

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April 8, 2015 by Tricia Goyer Leave a Comment

The ABCs of Supporting Young Moms

In September 2001, I was one of a dozen women waiting expectantly for the first teen mother to walk through the door. After working as a volunteer director of Hope Pregnancy Center for two years, I finally found a tangible way to meet the needs of teen mothers—through the launching of a Teen MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) weekly support group. The mentors grinned broadly when two teen mothers arrived for our first meeting. The next week we had four moms. The week after that, eight girls attended!

Now, twenty to twenty-five young moms attend every meeting, and we have over five dozen names on our roster. These young moms come to make a connection with others in the same life situation. They also learn how to be better moms and women by listening to encouraging speakers and meeting with personal mentors. During our two years as a group, we’ve seen a number of teen mothers finish high school. Some have chosen secondary virginity. The greatest result is that many have given their lives to Christ.

Because of the large number of attendees, we’re currently planning to launch a second Teen MOPS group! How did we do it? Here are the ABCs of providing an encouraging and educational support group for young moms:

From A to Z, the ways you can help a young mom today! @TriciaGoyer

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Assemble a caring team.

Many caring volunteers from our local PCC volunteered to help with the teen moms. Radio ads, community service announcements, and church bulletins helped spread the word and attracted volunteers. Former teen mothers, working moms, and even grandmothers from the community turned out. Those who believed in our mission and statement of faith soon found themselves holding babies and providing a listening ear to young moms in crisis.

Be diligent in training yourselves about the needs of young mothers.

Read books on teen parenting, talk to former teen mothers, and if possible visit other support groups to see what works. Get together with a teen mother, and you’ll be amazed to hear about her unique challenges.

Consider a young mom’s needs.

When planning our weekly meetings, we organize rides, meals, and childcare. We design fun games to introduce the young moms to each other, and we invite speakers such as alternative education teachers, job trainers, and child educators to provide informative talks. We also look for a neutral place to hold the meeting, such as a community center rather than a church.

Decide whom you want to serve.

We opened our meetings to young moms, ages thirteen through twenty-two. Yet we also allowed parents, grandparents, and boyfriends to attend if the young mom felt she needed extra support. We found these teen moms by taking flyers to alternative schools, doctor’s offices, the public health department, and other low-income service providers.

Earn their trust.

Don’t make promises you can’t keep to the young moms. If you say you’re going to call, then call. If you offer help in a certain area, provide it. Young moms have often been hurt by those claiming to care. Your follow-through will prove that you really do care.

Follow up.

Some moms come every week without fail. Other moms seem to drop off the map. Volunteer leaders are encouraged to call young moms to check up on them. We also send “missing you” notes in the mail. We’ve discovered that the times these young women don’t want accountability are the times they need it the most!

Give special attention to their babies.

Young moms are more likely to receive condemning looks rather than enthusiasm over their children. Even though the circumstances under which these babies were conceived are less than ideal, the babies themselves are precious children, created in God’s image! Rejoice over these little ones, and it will bring joy to their moms too.

Have open arms.

These young moms aren’t perfect. They often say the wrong things or strike out at those who want to help. Yet, open arms demonstrate Christ’s love.

Invite input.

Every few months we ask the teen moms what topics interest them. They’ve suggested such topics as “claiming parental rights” and “domestic violence.” Getting input insures we’re meeting real needs. It also lets us know what problems our clients are facing.

Judge not.

When our meetings started, we encountered women with pierced body parts, tattoos, and skimpy clothes. We didn’t judge them or criticize them. We just kept caring and loving—never giving up. As these young hearts softened, their appearance often did too.

Keep the community involved in your group and your group involved in the community.

Our local PCC provides all the funds for our group. Likewise, we help the center with fundraising events. The young moms have served joyfully at banquets or have spoken in support of the center. This interaction helps the young moms witness the loving support from their community. It also helps the community see the difference we’re making in young lives.

Listen to your heart.

If you notice a girl who is downcast or if you sense that something’s wrong, take her aside and offer a listening ear. Many times our hearts pick up on pain, even when it is not voiced.

Make sure you seek help from experts.

When planning our group, we received help from MOPS International. MOPS provided manuals, materials, and experts to help us create the best group possible. Check them out at www.mops.org/teen.

Never allow gossip.

Young women are good at “sharing,” and sometimes the leaders have trouble with gossip too. Stomp out gossip quickly. If prayer is needed, share the requests with those you trust and take the requests before God together.

Open the floor for discussion.

In addition to good instruction, young moms need a safe place to share their concerns. After the speaker finishes, allow the moms to share their hearts’ concerns in discussion groups. Remind them that everything shared in the group stays in the group.

Provide for their physical needs.

Teen moms need support and encouragement, but they also need practical items such as diapers, wipes, clothes, and baby furniture. We use the “Earn While You Learn” program to help these young moms earn items for their children. We also give extra “Mommy Money” for attending meetings and bringing a friend.

Question what part each leader should play.

Some leaders love getting into deep conversations with the young moms. Others enjoy cooking or working in childcare. Encourage each leader to follow her gifts. Each task is important.

Require responsibility.

Our doors are open to any young mom, but we ask her to take on responsibility for being part of the group. Young moms help set up and clean up for meetings. They also must be responsible for their words and actions. To make it a safe place, we require each young woman to behave respectfully and responsibly.

Set Boundaries.

There are some young moms who would never ask a favor. Others push the limits. Leaders are not babysitters or chauffeurs. Setting boundaries in the beginning helps keep leaders from getting overwhelmed. Rules also give leaders a way out when requests are made.

Trust they are listening.

Sometimes the young moms seem more interested in everything but the speaker, yet I’ve discovered that they often are listening even when it doesn’t seem so. Months later I sometimes hear parts of previous discussions in the conversations among the young women. It warms my heart!

Use resources they can connect with.

When I started working with teen moms, I had a hard time finding resources specifically for them. That’s why I joined up with MOPS International to write Teen Mom: You’re Strong Than You Think (Zondervan). This book focuses on the needs of our youngest mothers.

Visualize where you see these moms five years from now.

How can you help each one be a success? Share your dreams, listen to theirs, and prod them on.

Weigh your motives.

Sometimes it’s easy to get discouraged when we don’t see immediate changes. It’s good to ask: “Am I focusing on where God is working or on what I want to see?” Often we’ll never see the impact we make, but God is faithful!

Xpect challenges.

Any time you share the love of Jesus, you will come across opposition. Deal with the opposition through prayer. Pray for the babies, for the other leaders, and especially for the young moms.

Yield to “good enough.”

As leaders we will never run a perfect meeting or say all the right things at the right time. Know that the love you show is good enough to make a difference. Also know that in your weakness God’s strength will shine!

Zero in on the young mom’s heart.

It can be discouraging when a young mom drops out of school or maybe even becomes pregnant again, but it helps to zero in on her heart. Every young mom can be changed through the love of leaders and the love of Christ. We may not be able to see the changes for years, but know that each effort to show God’s love will make a difference!

*Originally published at atcmag.com.

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Help a Teen Mom- 5 Ways to Come Alongside Them

Do you know a teen mom? What would happen if instead of shaming them we actually came alongside and supported them? Tricia Goyer shares 5 Ways to Help a Teen Mom.

I had my first baby when I was seventeen. It was hard, but I can’t imagine how a young mom who’s living in New York City feels these days. Have you seen the posters plastered all over the subways in the media? One shows a crying baby and reads, “I’m twice as likely not to graduate from high school because you had me as a teen.”

While it’s true that having a baby as a teen is hard, choosing to have the baby IS a good decision. It’s a selfless, caring decision that will give the child a future, planned or not.

Instead of trying to shame a teen mom, what if we supported her? #teenmom @TriciaGoyer

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Instead of trying to shame a teen mom, what if you, me, we . . . supported her? Would her child still be a sad statistic if there was a group of men and women who educated her, inspired her, and offered her hope?

That’s what happened to me. A group of older women came alongside me. They taught me about being a mom. They made me feel as if I had value. They saw my child as a gift. They painted a bright future. Because of them, my confidence as a mom grew. My confidence as a woman grew. I married, and I birthed two more children. Where are those kids now? My oldest son is a college graduate with a great job, a wife, and a child. My daughter spent time in Europe teaching English and is getting married this year! My younger son is in college and getting straight A’s. Not only that, but my husband and I have also adopted three little ones and are in the process of adopting four sisters! I also mentor teen mothers, just as those women mentored me.

I could have been a statistic if someone hadn’t had the heart to help a teen mom. But instead, a group of women offered to impart hope into my heart. Now I impart hope into others, not only through mentoring but through books. I’m forty-nine, and I have 80+ published books from publishers such as Harper Collins and Random House. I impart hope through parenting books and even through my novels. Teen Mom: You’re Strong Than You Think, challenges young moms to discover herself, the reason for her life, and be more than just a statistic.

Maybe today . . . or tomorrow . . . you might have a young woman come to you for advice after she discovers she’s pregnant. Don’t point her to a NYC subway sign. Instead, here’s a few ways you can help:

5 Ways to Help a Teen Mom

Remain calm and loving. Your young friend most likely feels alone, frightened, and extremely sensitive about her pregnancy. The most important thing you can offer is your continued friendship.

Show God’s love and forgiveness. Your young friend was looking for love by giving herself intimately to a guy. Now she might feel ashamed and unworthy of love at all. Point her to God, who loves her unconditionally.

Celebrate life. She may consider this baby a “mistake”—a barrier between her and “normal” life. Lovingly remind her that no matter how the baby was conceived, he or she is a gift from God.

Be available to share . . . and to listen. Your young friend has many big decisions to make, and although you can’t make those decisions for her, you can be available to help her consider her options. Share the information you’ve discovered on fetal development and on the physical and emotional trauma of abortion. Most of all, be willing to listen to her deepest concerns.

Find help. Your young friend is most likely in need of more answers than you can give. Visit a local crisis pregnancy center with your friend, or call CareNet for help at 1-800-395-HELP. Encourage her to tell her parents and to seek the counsel of a pastor or youth pastor.

Yes, the young woman and her baby in your life will face a hard road ahead. But with your help, encouragement, and gift of hope, you can help her to also blow the teen pregnancy statistics out of the water.

Download this free resource as a reminder of how you can make a difference to a teen mom!

I hope this encourages you to help a teen mom in your city, church, or family. They need us!

Warmly, Tricia

You Are Not Alone | An Interview about ‘Teen Mom’

Teen Moms, I want you to know you are not alone! Read my interview with Christian Book Previews about Teen Mom: You’re Strong Than You Think to learn more.

CBP: Teen Mom is a book for teen moms, written by a former teen mom. You also interviewed young moms all over the country. Why was capturing the heart of young mothers important for you? Why did you want to write a book just for them?

As a former teen mom, I remember what it was like not to “fit in.” At seventeen I still felt like a kid, but I had a child to raise. It seems that no matter where I went, I always felt like the odd man out. At Lamaze class, everyone was with a spouse, and I was with my mom. Parenting books had ideas like, “Have your husband watch the baby while you take a long bath.” That wasn’t an option for me, and it’s also not an option for the young moms I work now with. I wanted to write a book just for them. I wanted to give them a voice concerning their unique struggles, such as dealing with creepy boyfriends and trying to juggle work and school. I also wanted to show them that they’re important and they matter—even if they don’t fit the mold of what society expects a “new mom” to be.

CBP: In this book, you share your experience as a teen mother, what were some of the hardest things you faced as a young mother?

I’d say the hardest thing to deal with were my feelings of shame. There are many sins out there, but pregnancy out of wedlock is one that sticks out in front of you, literally. You can’t hide it. I remember the looks of other students in school. The looks of people in the grocery store. It made me want to escape into my bedroom and remain there for nine months!

Another difficult thing was the lack of confidence in society. I’d get rude comments from old ladies in the grocery store saying that I wasn’t doing something right. One lady made a rude comment about my son having a pacifier! Also, I felt I wasn’t “heard” by professionals such as my son’s doctor. I took Cory in because he wasn’t feeling well, and the doctor dismissed it as colic. They didn’t trust my word that something wasn’t right. It turned out that my son had spinal meningitis, and it was only because of my insistence for them to take a closer look that he didn’t die.

It’s hard enough being a good mom, but I always felt on display—like I had to prove myself.

CBP: When did you get involved in working with young moms in your community?

In 1999, I helped launch a Crisis Pregnancy Center in my hometown of Kalispell, Montana. Right away we realized that we needed to do more than just provide free pregnancy tests and counseling—choosing to carry one’s child is just the beginning. I wanted to help moms be the best they could be. So I helped launch a Teen MOPS program. Teen MOPS is part of the bigger organization MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) International. In our first meeting, we started with two pregnant moms. The next week we had four.

After that, there were eight. Then the program really exploded. It’s great because most of those from the first meetings are still attending . . . and now they have toddlers. It’s great to see the growing and learning taking place, not only with the kids but also with the moms.

CBP: What changes have you seen in the young moms you work with?

The first thing we often see is a softening of their attitudes. Some girls are scared when they first come in. They’ve been hurt and they have a wall around their heart a mile high. They hardly talk and don’t want to participate . . . yet they come, and this tells me that we have something they’re looking for.

Once the attitudes change, it seems the heart isn’t far behind. Each meeting one of the leaders shares part of her personal testimony, but the main “evangelism” we do is just loving them like Jesus would, and showing how our lifestyle is different because of Him. We’ve seen girls start attending church and Bible Studies with the leaders. Some have given their hearts to Christ. It’s amazing what short personal stories and a little love can do.

Of course, there is also the personal growth of the moms. We’ve seen them finish high school, get jobs, find their own apartments, and interact with their kids on a better level. It’s like being an eyewitness to the world opening up before them.

CBP: Your book is endorsed by MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) International. How else are you working with MOPS to reach young mothers?

In addition to coordinating a Teen MOPS group in our town, I also help encourage the growth of other groups in my area and around the nation. I’m always available to talk to those who are interested in starting a new group. Also, I often speak at MOPS’ International Convention. Then there is Teen Mom, of course. I want to do everything I can to get this book into the hands of girls who need it—whether they’re part of a support group or not. It’s not that it’s “my book.” What I really want is for young moms to find hope for their future.

CBP: Teen Mom is all about the unique needs of a young mother, can you share some of their greatest needs?

Some of these needs include importance, growth, perspective, intimacy, and hope. Importance to know that no matter what society says, they can be great moms and a wonderful influence on their child.

Growth is needed so that a mom doesn’t feel like she’s “stuck” because of this child. She needs to know that she can grow into the woman she’s always longed to be.

Also perspective is important because too often a teen mom only sees obstacles ahead. She needs to see that the future can be bright.

True intimacy is a big need because most girls get pregnant because they’re seeking this closeness with another person. They need to know that true intimacy is sharing your heart with another, including friends and family members.

And finally, what young moms need most is hope. Hope that is found in Jesus Christ. I could come up with 1,001 ways for these young women to become good moms, but the best thing I can do is point them to faith in Jesus.

CBP: There is a lot of talk about the problem of teenage motherhood in our country; just how many young mothers are there?

According to teenpregnancy.org, there are 800,000 new teen mothers every year. That’s a lot of young women who need to know that they matter, that they can be good moms!

CBP: If you could choose one truth that the young moms come away with after reading this book, what would it be?

It would be the truth that Jesus is the answer. He is the Prince Charming they’ve been longing for. He is the peace that they’ve been struggling to find. He is the support and the strength for all the days they don’t feel like they can do this “mommy” thing. He is what they’ve been wanting, what their heart is longing for most. That’s what I want them to know more than anything.

Previously published at CBP.com

Do you know a teen mom? Download and send this postcard to her!

About Teen Mom

In Teen Mom: You’re Stronger Than You Think, Tricia pours out her heart and shares advice for the hard things you face. She also longs to provide encouragement, reminding you that you can be the mom your child deserves—not in your own strength, but in the strength God provides.

Gaining Wisdom by Working with Teen Moms

Gaining Wisdom By Working with Teen Moms

Every Thursday night our family would load up in the car and head to inner-city Little Rock. This included me, my husband, our homeschooled 17-year-old son, our toddler, and sometimes my college-age daughter. We set out on a special mission, to serve teen moms in the area through a program called Teen MOPS. We have continued this mission for many years now.

Teen MOPS is part of MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) International. I first heard about Teen MOPS when I was part of a regular MOPS group at our church. As a former teen mom, I loved the idea of helping those who are where I used to be. I know how hard it is to find advice on everything from dealing with a boyfriend to finishing school, to parenting while also living with parents.

When I first started mentoring teen moms many, many years go I was worried that I wouldn’t have all the answers. Now I know I never will, but the contribution I make is pointing them in the right direction. I am gaining wisdom by working with teen moms. And I can help them learn how to make wise choices…which helps all areas of their lives!

According to dictionary.com, wisdom is: “the ability to discern or judge what is true, right, or lasting; insight.”

Mentors in our program remind young moms that they don’t have to stay where they are. They teach young women that they don’t have to live on the edge, balancing between right and wrong. Instead, they can move into a spacious place in a solid relationship with Jesus.

Not only are we helping the teens, but there is much we can learn. We can be gaining wisdom by working with teen moms.

Do not think you have to have all the answers or know every little detail before you begin reaching out and helping. You too can be gaining wisdom by helping a teen mom!

Do you know a teen mom? Download and send this postcard to her!

You may also like Teen Mom, You are Not Alone. There is hope, there is help, there is joy. I am here for you.

About Teen Mom

A Letter to Teen Moms | You Are Important

Today I am writing a letter to teen moms. I want to tell you that you are important. Today I want to share my heart with you. I’ve been where you are. So let’s talk.

Yes, you are important. Importance means having meaning. There are many things that people feel are important for young people: school, good grades, sports, and accomplishments.

Ask yourself, What things were important to you one or two years ago? What things are important now?

Your child, no doubt, is most important. And your child thinks you are most important. Without your succeeding as a mom, his life is going to be hard.

The good news is that you’re up to the task. This mothering role will teach you more about yourself than you ever expected. You’ll work harder than you ever have. You’ll prove you’re strong and capable. Your care for your child will not only benefit him, but it’ll also show you (and the world!) what you’re made of.

This mothering role will teach you more about yourself than you ever expected #teenmom @TriciaGoyer

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Parenting comes with big obstacles at times. Yet as you’ll see in the following often-told story, sometimes human beings can do the impossible when it comes to their children.

Moving Mountains

I want to share a mountain climbing story. What does that have to do with this letter to teen moms?

“There were two warring tribes in the Andes, one that lived in the lowlands and the other high in the mountains. The mountain people invaded the lowlanders one day, and as part of their plundering of the people, they kidnapped a baby from one of the lowlander families and took the infant back with them up into the mountains.

“The lowlanders didn’t know how to climb a mountain. They didn’t know any of the trails the mountain people used, and they didn’t know where to find the mountain people or how to track them on the steep terrain.

“Even so, they sent out their best party of fighting men to climb the mountain and bring the baby home.

“The men tried first one method of climbing and then another. They tried one trail and then another. After several days of effort, however, they had climbed only a couple of hundred feet.

“Feeling hopeless and helpless, the lowlander men decided that the case was lost, and they prepared to return to their village below.

“As they were packing their gear for the descent, they saw the baby’s mother walking toward them. They realized that she was coming down the mountain that they hadn’t figured out how to climb.

“And then they saw that she had the baby strapped to her back. How could that be?

“One man greeted her and said, ‘We couldn’t climb this mountain. How did you do this when we, the strongest and most able men in the village, couldn’t do it?’

“She shrugged her shoulders and said, ‘It wasn’t your baby.’ ”

Are you beginning to see why I included this story in this letter to teen moms today?

You’re a mom now, and the obstacles you face may seem as big and insurmountable as that mountain.

But there’s one thing that’s even more powerful than your challenges. That’s your love.

Love is the most important ingredient when it comes to parenting. Love, as you will discover, can help you to achieve the impossible.

Love is the most important ingredient in parenting #teenmom @TriciaGoyer

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Before getting pregnant, I hadn’t thought much about what I wanted to do with my life, except that I’d considered being a teacher and hoped to be married with three or four kids someday. After getting pregnant, I thought it really was no use to think about those things anymore because I had messed up. I was going to have a baby, and so I’d just have to take whatever the world offered me from there.

Do you feel that way? Do you think that because you’re a mom at a young age that all the plans you once had aren’t possible? Maybe you never really considered what your future looked like. Maybe you never allowed yourself to dream. That’s precisely why I am writing this letter to teen moms…

I want to encourage you to get over the idea that because you’re having a baby at a young age, you can’t do much with your life. Instead, you now have an even better reason to dream and plan for a good future. After all, you have not only yourself to think about but also your child.

I would have loved to have read a letter to teen moms like this at the time. It would have been easy for me to just give up and not try. I’d seen that time and time again in the people around me. I have many family members who’ve worked minimum wage jobs their whole lives, who have never owned a home, and who never got their high school diploma. In fact, when I found out I was pregnant, I dropped out of high school too.

I’m thankful that I dared to work hard to achieve my goals. I finished my high school classes at home and got my diploma. Here are a few other things I’ve done.

I’ve attended college.
I’ve gotten married.
I’ve attended numerous writers’ conferences.
I’ve written hundreds of articles for national magazines.
I’ve won awards for my writing.
I’ve written more than eighty books.
I’ve homeschooled three children all the way from kindergarten through high school.
I’ve traveled to more than forty states.
I’ve traveled to twelve countries.
I’ve been interviewed on television.
I’ve hosted my own radio show.
I’ve been married for thirty years.
I’ve adopted seven kids.
My husband and I have bought three houses. (One at a time!)
I’ve helped start a crisis pregnancy center.
I’ve led a teen moms’ support group for twelve years.
I’ve shared my story of being a teenage mom on stage in front of five thousand women.
I’ve taken my kids to Disneyland and Disney World many times, and my whole family has gone on a cruise.

I’m forty-seven years old, which may seem ancient to you, but I’ve had a good life. And I didn’t do all those things right away, but as the years have gone by, I’ve been amazed to see how my life has turned out.

When I first had my son, I wondered whether my life would amount to anything, and then I decided it could if I put in some effort. My goals were small at first. I got my high school diploma, and then I signed up for college classes. I went on a date with a really good guy who treated me well, and we eventually got married.

I dreamed of becoming a writer, and so I babysat for a year to save up enough money to attend my first writers’ conference. At that writers’ conference, I met other women who encouraged me, and I kept in touch with them. I wrote little things while my kids napped. (I had three kids by this time.) And I sent things out to magazines. I got more than a hundred rejections, but I didn’t give up. I saved up my money again and went back to the conference. Soon I started getting magazine articles published, and later, books.

Success has a way of building on itself. Hard work pays off eventually.

If you could be successful at anything, what would it be? Consider one step that you could take toward that dream. Every success starts with a first step. Think you can’t do it? Think that you’ll be stuck where you are forever? It’s up to you. You get to decide!

The years are going to go by anyway, and you might as well spend them pursuing something great. You can either spend your teens and twenties working at McDonald’s with no plan to change, or you can work hard at your McDonald’s job, finish your GED, sign up for college, and get an internship at a job you really love. No, there’s nothing wrong with working at McDonald’s, but is that how you want to spend your life? I thought about this when I returned to northern California for a high school reunion. I took my kids to McDonald’s to show them where I once worked. Twenty years had passed and the building looked tired and old, but I was most surprised when I saw that some of the people I had worked with in high school were still there. They were still complaining about their jobs and about how they still weren’t able to make ends meet, but they hadn’t done anything about it.

It’s wonderful to work wherever you can get a job, but don’t limit yourself. I saw my McDonald’s job as a stepping-stone to get the money I needed to do more. Who knows, maybe you’ll even stay with McDonald’s, work your way through management, and buy a franchise! Just remember that you’re stronger than you think. Don’t give up too easily. Don’t settle when, deep down, you know you can do more, give more.

My Life

I get so tired of people asking, “How old are you?” We even had to change pediatricians once because the doctor wouldn’t speak to me as an adult. I wanted to yell, “Hey, I am her mother. I’m responsible for her welfare!” I used to cry at night, not because I didn’t want this but because I had no idea how much my life would change. — Marjie, Montana

When I went into the hospital for my non-stress test, the nurse told me that she wanted my baby and that she would prepare the adoption papers if it was a boy. — Amanda, Ontario, Canada

Waking up to my son’s smile and my daughter’s snoring makes me realize that the little things these little people do will forever be engraved in my heart! — Elizabeth, Arkansas

Mom, you’re the one who will determine your future. Don’t let anyone tell you that you can’t amount to anything. That’s not true. You can work hard to achieve anything you set your mind on. Surround yourself with people who believe in you. Find other people who can support you, help you, and offer help in return.

Also, know that you were created for a reason. God made you, formed you. He made and formed your child. He has a good plan for your life. You are important to God, and that makes you important.

And even if you don’t “accomplish” anything that makes the news, you are still important to God. You are also still important to your child. If there is anything that you take away from this letter to teen moms, please remember that.

But sometimes understanding that you are important helps you to go on to do great things. Think of it this way, if you tell your child day after day that he is going to do great things and help and influence people, he will most likely grow up to do great things and help and influence people.

And if you say the same thing about yourself, well, that’s exactly what you will do too.

A Letter to Teen Moms is Excerpted with permission from Teen Mom by Tricia Goyer, copyright Zondervan, 2015.

Teen Mom

Talking to Your Daughter About Sex

One main reason young people choose to have sex is their desperate search for intimacy, but true intimacy is usually the last thing they find. Sexually active girls seek a lasting commitment but end up with heartbreak.

I know I had the wrong ideas about intimacy when I was young. I thought that “going all the way” was the only way to show a guy that I truly loved him.

Think back:

How to have “the talk.”

Finally, take time to share your own experiences:

Resources for continuing the conversation about guys, sex, intimacy, and relationships:

Other books for moms:

Download the printable below!

Talking to Your Daughter About Sex

This post originally appeared on thebettermom.com

Offer Lots of Love & Grace

Read Through Books Together

Real Life “Love”

About Teen Mom

Other Blog Posts I’ve Written About Teen Moms

Learn who God created you to be.

Learn your learning style.

Listen. I’ve learned so much from listening to others.

Don’t be afraid to try something new.

Teach. The best way to incorporate your knowledge is to teach it.

Other Blog Posts I’ve Written About Teen Moms

Other Blog Posts I’ve Written About Teen Moms

Assemble a caring team.

Be diligent in training yourselves about the needs of young mothers.

Consider a young mom’s needs.

Decide whom you want to serve.

Earn their trust.

Follow up.

Give special attention to their babies.

Have open arms.

Invite input.

Judge not.

Keep the community involved in your group and your group involved in the community.

Listen to your heart.

Make sure you seek help from experts.

Never allow gossip.

Open the floor for discussion.

Provide for their physical needs.

Question what part each leader should play.

Require responsibility.

Set Boundaries.

Trust they are listening.

Use resources they can connect with.

Visualize where you see these moms five years from now.

Weigh your motives.

Xpect challenges.

Yield to “good enough.”

Zero in on the young mom’s heart.

Other Blog Posts I’ve Written About Teen Moms

5 Ways to Help a Teen Mom

Other Blog Posts I’ve Written About Teen Moms

Teen Moms, I want you to know you are not alone! Read my interview with Christian Book Previews about Teen Mom: You’re Strong Than You Think to learn more.

About Teen Mom

Other Blog Posts I’ve Written About Teen Moms

Gaining Wisdom By Working with Teen Moms

About Teen Mom

Other Blog Posts I’ve Written About Teen Moms

Moving Mountains

Love is the most important ingredient when it comes to parenting. Love, as you will discover, can help you to achieve the impossible.

Success has a way of building on itself. Hard work pays off eventually.

My Life

About Teen Mom {NOW AVAILABLE}

Other Blog Posts I’ve Written About Teen Moms